Welcome

Welcome to my blog which is about my family and I and how we deal with what life throws at us, which includes my daughter and her disabilities related to her spina bifida and her death on December 26 2012.

Tuesday 24 September 2013

Baby movements

Today my doctor asked me what I have felt for baby movements and I told him it was hard to describe. Keeping in mind I wasn't able to feel Janice move. Although she made sure her dad knew she was in there.

The first movement was a bubble popping at the top of my belly at about 14 weeks. Since then I have seen my belly do waves (best way I can describe). I have felt isolated burning or bruises inside my belly smaller that my palm. I have felt what feels like baby rolling over in there. Sometimes it feels like a a finger tracing from one side to the other in the inside.

Although according to my measuring tape the same size around as with Janice but doctors are in agreement that I am measuring right on schedule and remind me that second time around you show earlier. Also as I am feeling movement I shouldn't be worried about spina bifida because there doesn't appear to be any additional liquid hiding the movement.

It is a very interesting feeling seeing and feeling movement in your body that you aren't making.

Monday 23 September 2013

September 2013

With Janice’s birthday come and gone and Christmas coming up, I find myself in a rut. Don’t get me wrong I know a baby is on the way and I can’t wait but that doesn’t change the fact that I miss Janice. I can’t help but wonder what new things she would be doing now. What she would be into? Would she still be in to her “Bears”? Would she be excited about being a big sister? How would she be now?

Janice’s birthday was one of the hardest days so far. I struggled on Mother’s Day but Janice’s birthday was worse. I can’t imagine what Christmas and Boxing Day will be like. I find myself still mentally shopping for Janice. What I would have bought her for her birthday and what would be on her Christmas list.

I can’t believe how fast this year has gone by. I still have days when it feels like just yesterday I was watching her play in that big plastic container and Grandma and Gramps. Janice was so happy and full of life Christmas Eve. I still can’t make sense of how fast that changed. Despite the over one thousand pictures and videos I have of Janice they don’t seem enough. I still find myself asking how a child so full of life and happiness could have left so soon. It might be a little pathetic but I still keep Grumpy at my bedside so that I can grab him and hold him when I miss her and can’t sleep. I still sometimes have to fight the urge to bring him to work or out wherever we are going.

It is going to be a fine line raising this little one to know their big sister Janice without them feeling like they are in her shadow or replacing her. No one can replace Janice and no one is expected to. I am told it will get easier but I think it is just more good days than bad than getting easier. You will always miss them. It is just a difference of their memories bringing tears or smiles. This week it is tears but I know my little angel, Janice is looking down smiling and in her own way trying to tell me that she is ok and happy. I just miss Janice’s voice, her laugh, the sound of her rolling around on her board, holding her and getting hugs, and seeing her beautiful smile. It is the little things you miss. The things that everyone takes for granted the things people complain about.

Sunday 15 September 2013

Janice's 4th Birthday

Today, Janice would be celebrating her 4th Birthday. It is the first birthday since her passing last Christmas, and it is hard. I can't imagine it getting easier. I miss Janice so much. I pray that Janice knows how much I loved her and likes her birthday present. I will never forget her.

Janice's smile, her determination, her inspiring personality. Janice was such an inspiration. I find myself wondering what she would be doing now; what new things she would have learned; how excited she would be about becoming a big sister. Wondering what Bear she would want to/ be willing to give her little sibling. So many things that I wish she would get to experience. I can't go shopping without seeing things I know she would have liked and/or wanted.