Today is Christmas Day, It is suppose to be filled with joy and happiness and yet I barely found the strength to smile. I went to my Grandma's for breakfast and presents and spent the rest of the day at home. Today just felt so empty. I even took Grumpy with me to my Grandparent's house when we went. I put on the strong face for my Grandma, I know she wants me to be happy and she is one of the few that understands my pain. The closer to midnight we get the harder it is to stop the tears. It was about 630pm last Christmas Day that I saw my little girl, Janice alive. I don't know the exact time of death at that point I was in shock and all that I cared to know was that my daughter was gone, but it was around 2pm December 26th.
I can't sleep. I filled about 5 pages in my diary/journal already today. I don't know what to do. I miss her so much. I want my little girl back. She would be 4 as of September 15th and I know she would have been excited and happy opening her Christmas gifts and preparing for her siblings arrival and wanting to "help" and all that keeps running through my head is "Janice should be here" and "Janice should be..."
I feel so alone and jealous. Alone in my worst nightmare and jealous of all the happy and complete families that get to have true Christmas'.
I remember as I waited for her father and her to pick me up before going to the hospital a year ago that the thought that she might die crossed my mind for a few seconds before I rushed to push it out, reaffirming that she would be fine. That after a week in the hospital Janice would be home again. But that was not to be. I wasn't there when she passed. I didn't get to say good-bye. I feel like I failed her. I feel so sad that I didn't get to hear her last words. I know I couldn't have done anything to save her but I should have been there.
I remember getting the call around 230pm and running back to the front door of my employer to find someone anyone to give me a ride to the hospital, I was in hysterics they couldn't understand me. I remember apologizing the whole way to the hospital. Then as I entered the ER a male nurse came up to me and told me that Janice was gone, they had tried for half an hour and that her father was in the room holding her. I walked in the room and my heart broke as he looked up at me and said "Our little girl is gone" His tears said more though. He handed her to me and I climbed on the bed and still processing what I had been told I started calling people, starting with work. No one believed me. Hell I didn't want to believe me. Slowly our families showed up and the staff moved us to a more private room. We stayed there taking turns holding Janice till about 9pm. Even as we left I didn't want to I kept thinking "What if she wakes up and she is all alone?" I felt like I was abandoning her leaving Janice all alone on the cot in the ER.
I through myself into telling everyone to avoid awkward conversations and planning her service. This year I have nothing to channel my grief and pain into and all I can do is cry. I miss my little girl. I miss Janice and I want her back so badly. I keep asking Why? Why? Why? If I had known that I would only get those 3 precious years I would have let her sleep in our bed every night and steal my pillow all the time. I would have taken more pictures and done more things with her I would have quit my job to spend those years with her if I had known.
I am not stupid. With her medical conditions I knew she wouldn't live to be 80 but I didn't expect to loose her so suddenly and at such a young age. I don't know how I will get through tomorrow all I know is that somehow it will come and go and I will still be here and that Janice is in Heaven trying to make me smile like she used to. Janice's smile was so infectious and beautiful. I love you Janice I hope and pray you know that.
Wednesday 25 December 2013
Friday 20 December 2013
Quietly in the Silence
Quietly in the silent of the night,
I feel the loneliness.
Quietly in the stillness of the night,
I miss those that left too soon.
Quietly in the darkness,
I let the tears fall at night.
Quietly when I am alone,
I let my mind wander.
Quietly when no one is around,
I let my feelings show.
Quietly when no one can hear me,
I talk to my little girl in heaven.
Quietly the spring,
I think of how big she would be.
Quietly in the summer,
I think of how she loved the water and being outside.
Quietly in the fall,
Her birthday looms and I think of what she would want.
Quietly in the winter,
I am thrown back to that horrible night,
The last time I saw my little heavenly angel.
Quietly on New Years,
I wish she was still here.
Quietly on her dad's birthday,
I wish she was playing with him.
Quietly on her birthday,
I wish she was opening presents.
Quietly on my birthday,
I wish she was waking me up.
Quietly on Halloween,
I wish she was in costume,
Out Trick or Treating with her friends.
Quietly on Remembrance Day,
I remember how she used to light the day.
Quietly on Christmas,
I remember that last trip and how much fun she had.
Quietly on Boxing Day,
Behind closed doors,
I cry away the pain.
Quietly in sunrise,
I know I'll see her again.
Quietly in the moonlight,
I can feel her say "nigh nigh."
Quietly in the springtime,
I can see her spirit wild and free.
Quietly in my dreams,
I know she is happy and would want the same for me.
Quietly I pray,
That some day I will understand.
Quietly among the tears,
I know there's a reason.
Quietly in the sunshine,
I feel her smile on my face.
Quietly,
I will be okay.
I feel the loneliness.
Quietly in the stillness of the night,
I miss those that left too soon.
Quietly in the darkness,
I let the tears fall at night.
Quietly when I am alone,
I let my mind wander.
Quietly when no one is around,
I let my feelings show.
Quietly when no one can hear me,
I talk to my little girl in heaven.
Quietly the spring,
I think of how big she would be.
Quietly in the summer,
I think of how she loved the water and being outside.
Quietly in the fall,
Her birthday looms and I think of what she would want.
Quietly in the winter,
I am thrown back to that horrible night,
The last time I saw my little heavenly angel.
Quietly on New Years,
I wish she was still here.
Quietly on her dad's birthday,
I wish she was playing with him.
Quietly on her birthday,
I wish she was opening presents.
Quietly on my birthday,
I wish she was waking me up.
Quietly on Halloween,
I wish she was in costume,
Out Trick or Treating with her friends.
Quietly on Remembrance Day,
I remember how she used to light the day.
Quietly on Christmas,
I remember that last trip and how much fun she had.
Quietly on Boxing Day,
Behind closed doors,
I cry away the pain.
Quietly in sunrise,
I know I'll see her again.
Quietly in the moonlight,
I can feel her say "nigh nigh."
Quietly in the springtime,
I can see her spirit wild and free.
Quietly in my dreams,
I know she is happy and would want the same for me.
Quietly I pray,
That some day I will understand.
Quietly among the tears,
I know there's a reason.
Quietly in the sunshine,
I feel her smile on my face.
Quietly,
I will be okay.
Tuesday 17 December 2013
The meaning of grief
Someone posted this on a forum I frequent and I saw the truth in it.
A psychiatrist in the town who has become a de facto expert in grief since the Sandy Hook massacre. He said something that has been ringing true for me, and I have found comforting.
He said that he has learned over this last year that grief is actually love. It is not depression, or sadness. It is love when you cannot be with the one that you love. So there is no "getting over it", because how or why would you get over love? He said instead of expecting people to get over it, he now tries to help people find new outlets for that love, like Newtown's Acts of Kindness campaign, or philanthropies, etc. that you cannot get over it, but you can find new expressions of it.
A psychiatrist in the town who has become a de facto expert in grief since the Sandy Hook massacre. He said something that has been ringing true for me, and I have found comforting.
He said that he has learned over this last year that grief is actually love. It is not depression, or sadness. It is love when you cannot be with the one that you love. So there is no "getting over it", because how or why would you get over love? He said instead of expecting people to get over it, he now tries to help people find new outlets for that love, like Newtown's Acts of Kindness campaign, or philanthropies, etc. that you cannot get over it, but you can find new expressions of it.
Saturday 14 December 2013
Going through things left behind
Tonight I did the hardest thing, the thing I have be putting off; but time is running out. I went through Janice's toys and started getting the baby's room ready. I found myself getting mad and sad at the same time and for the same reason, Janice is not here. She should be here getting excited about becoming a big sister. I am emotionally drained. I know very few of you will understand the conflict of emotion.
I know that the baby will be here in at most 2 months, but that doesn't change the fact that there should be a four year old keeping me busy and driving me crazy. Being pregnant and expecting a new baby doesn't change the fact that I lost Janice nor does it lessen the pain which I am going through. People tell me I should be happy and that I shouldn't get upset for the baby's sake, but what about me? I need to let out my emotions. I need to know that my daughter is missed. I need to let the tears fall in her memory.
Going through all those things that reminded me of different things. The toys she played with. The toys she didn't get a chance to see, let alone play with. I long to have Janice back although I know nothing and no one can bring her back. I am mad because I couldn't save her and sad because I want her back. So many things I wish I could change. So much I wish I didn't have to endure. Life isn't fair.
How I long to hear her voice. How I long to feel her arms around me. How I long to smell her sweet scent again. I miss the small things that everyone takes for granted. I miss my monkey angel Janice and wish she was just in her room playing or sleeping and that I could go in and see her.
I know that the baby will be here in at most 2 months, but that doesn't change the fact that there should be a four year old keeping me busy and driving me crazy. Being pregnant and expecting a new baby doesn't change the fact that I lost Janice nor does it lessen the pain which I am going through. People tell me I should be happy and that I shouldn't get upset for the baby's sake, but what about me? I need to let out my emotions. I need to know that my daughter is missed. I need to let the tears fall in her memory.
Going through all those things that reminded me of different things. The toys she played with. The toys she didn't get a chance to see, let alone play with. I long to have Janice back although I know nothing and no one can bring her back. I am mad because I couldn't save her and sad because I want her back. So many things I wish I could change. So much I wish I didn't have to endure. Life isn't fair.
How I long to hear her voice. How I long to feel her arms around me. How I long to smell her sweet scent again. I miss the small things that everyone takes for granted. I miss my monkey angel Janice and wish she was just in her room playing or sleeping and that I could go in and see her.
Friday 13 December 2013
Missing and Reliving
I miss Janice and even have dreamed about her this week which is both beautiful and painful. Beautiful because I get to be with Janice if only in my dreams; but painful because I still have to wake to the reality that she is no longer here. Even knowing this baby is on its way doesn't take away the longing and missing Janice.
My Grandma told me today that my Grandfather keeps trying to all but build a shrine for Janice. She puts some of the stuffed animals away leaving just a few out and my grandfather gets them out again. She has two pictures of Janice framed in the bedroom for him. She moved a picture of Janice to a different spot and he got on her case about taking down the picture (he is legally blind). I almost feel that he is grieving Janice worse than I am. And it hurts me to know that he is hurting so much and there is nothing I can do to help relieve the pain. I didn't directly cause it but feel responsible for the pain and grief he is going through.
I had a friend that had a stillborn a month ago and I am doing my best to support and help her as much as I can, but I am finding it difficult between the anniversary and holiday festivities and watching/listening to her go through all the pain of the first month. Seeing her go through it is almost a trigger for me as it sends me back in my memories to those first few months and how hard it is to try to go back to living life after loss. The public break downs that make you wish you could disappear. The looks people give you because they don't know what to say or do; or because they don't know what you are going through and notice you are acting different. It breaks my heart and apart from being there and messaging her and giving moral support doesn't seem enough.
I know what it is like to be without a child that you are suppose to have. I know what it is like to cry over an empty form wishing with all your being that they would wake up or that you would wake up and it all be a horrible nightmare. I know what it is like to feel your heart break inside your chest. I know the pain of real loss. I know how cruel life can be and to not have anyone understand the devastation that you go through. To have to listen to people's half a$$ attempts to comfort you when there is no way to comfort you or heal your broken heart. People mean well but without going through the traumatic and devastating loss of loosing a child they don't know and can't understand the pain and longing that is now a daily life long reality for those who have children in heaven.
I have seen a commercial recently about teen suicide and it says " life with a teen is hard but life without one is harder". But life without any child that is taken too soon is unspeakable and you wish no one had to go through. I would give almost anything to have Janice back in my arms.
My Grandma told me today that my Grandfather keeps trying to all but build a shrine for Janice. She puts some of the stuffed animals away leaving just a few out and my grandfather gets them out again. She has two pictures of Janice framed in the bedroom for him. She moved a picture of Janice to a different spot and he got on her case about taking down the picture (he is legally blind). I almost feel that he is grieving Janice worse than I am. And it hurts me to know that he is hurting so much and there is nothing I can do to help relieve the pain. I didn't directly cause it but feel responsible for the pain and grief he is going through.
I had a friend that had a stillborn a month ago and I am doing my best to support and help her as much as I can, but I am finding it difficult between the anniversary and holiday festivities and watching/listening to her go through all the pain of the first month. Seeing her go through it is almost a trigger for me as it sends me back in my memories to those first few months and how hard it is to try to go back to living life after loss. The public break downs that make you wish you could disappear. The looks people give you because they don't know what to say or do; or because they don't know what you are going through and notice you are acting different. It breaks my heart and apart from being there and messaging her and giving moral support doesn't seem enough.
I know what it is like to be without a child that you are suppose to have. I know what it is like to cry over an empty form wishing with all your being that they would wake up or that you would wake up and it all be a horrible nightmare. I know what it is like to feel your heart break inside your chest. I know the pain of real loss. I know how cruel life can be and to not have anyone understand the devastation that you go through. To have to listen to people's half a$$ attempts to comfort you when there is no way to comfort you or heal your broken heart. People mean well but without going through the traumatic and devastating loss of loosing a child they don't know and can't understand the pain and longing that is now a daily life long reality for those who have children in heaven.
I have seen a commercial recently about teen suicide and it says " life with a teen is hard but life without one is harder". But life without any child that is taken too soon is unspeakable and you wish no one had to go through. I would give almost anything to have Janice back in my arms.
Thursday 12 December 2013
Holding and Hugging and Dreams
I miss Janice. I miss her every day. I miss her every night. The pain never truly goes away. Sometimes it is just a matter of how much it hurts and what triggers you run into on that given day.
The hardest thing in this world is loosing a child and when that child is your only child it is that much more devastating. When you have other living children you don't miss the hugs, and the playing. I mean your family is always one short but when you need a hug your other children can help fill that void. When you loose your only child you are left with empty arms, if you are lucky you have stuffed animal or something sentimental that you can hold and hug but it isn't the same.
Even having another child taking you back to step 1 and there are so many things that you should get but never will. Like a picture of the siblings together. Seeing your children playing together or tormenting each other. Watching the younger one try to imitate the older one. All things I don't get to see with Janice. I don't get to see Janice watching over her siblings, although she can watch over them in a way not everyone can.
When I dream of Janice both of us are so happy. I find them peaceful and heavenly.I believe as many have commented that it is Janice's way of telling me she is happy and well, also her way of checking in on her family. Sometimes she is walking, it is like she is still alive. I know she isn't and that is why waking up can be so devastating. In my dreams I can hold her, hug her, kiss her, play with her, anything we want to do. In the light of day when I am awake the reality is so much different. Not many can fathom the devastation of waking up. In dreams any one your heart longs for is just a phone call or thought away. Then to be ripped away from the life you wish was still here, the life in which our loved ones are still with us; a utopia where there is no pain or loss and life is as near perfect as imperfect beings can be. I long for the dreams but I still hate waking up and leaving her behind, it almost feels like that horrible night again when we left Janice's small form behind at the hospital. It was very hard for me I think she may have only spent 3 or 4 nights in the hospital without me maybe even less and so leaving her that final night broke my heart as much as it broke when I was told she was gone. That night I honestly didn't want to leave her for fear that she would wake up alone, denial of the situation.No one wants to believe that their loved ones are gone and not going to wake up again.
Janice's sibling will show me that you life does go on but there is always going to be someone missing. There will always be things that will make me think of Janice and bring tears to my eyes. Life does go on after loss but it is never the same and anyone that tells you different is a liar or has no idea of real loss.
The hardest thing in this world is loosing a child and when that child is your only child it is that much more devastating. When you have other living children you don't miss the hugs, and the playing. I mean your family is always one short but when you need a hug your other children can help fill that void. When you loose your only child you are left with empty arms, if you are lucky you have stuffed animal or something sentimental that you can hold and hug but it isn't the same.
Even having another child taking you back to step 1 and there are so many things that you should get but never will. Like a picture of the siblings together. Seeing your children playing together or tormenting each other. Watching the younger one try to imitate the older one. All things I don't get to see with Janice. I don't get to see Janice watching over her siblings, although she can watch over them in a way not everyone can.
When I dream of Janice both of us are so happy. I find them peaceful and heavenly.I believe as many have commented that it is Janice's way of telling me she is happy and well, also her way of checking in on her family. Sometimes she is walking, it is like she is still alive. I know she isn't and that is why waking up can be so devastating. In my dreams I can hold her, hug her, kiss her, play with her, anything we want to do. In the light of day when I am awake the reality is so much different. Not many can fathom the devastation of waking up. In dreams any one your heart longs for is just a phone call or thought away. Then to be ripped away from the life you wish was still here, the life in which our loved ones are still with us; a utopia where there is no pain or loss and life is as near perfect as imperfect beings can be. I long for the dreams but I still hate waking up and leaving her behind, it almost feels like that horrible night again when we left Janice's small form behind at the hospital. It was very hard for me I think she may have only spent 3 or 4 nights in the hospital without me maybe even less and so leaving her that final night broke my heart as much as it broke when I was told she was gone. That night I honestly didn't want to leave her for fear that she would wake up alone, denial of the situation.No one wants to believe that their loved ones are gone and not going to wake up again.
Janice's sibling will show me that you life does go on but there is always going to be someone missing. There will always be things that will make me think of Janice and bring tears to my eyes. Life does go on after loss but it is never the same and anyone that tells you different is a liar or has no idea of real loss.
Wednesday 4 December 2013
Presents
I used to love Christmas. I slept under the tree till I moved out and didn't have a tree of my own. I shook the presents and made guesses as to what was in each of mine. I pilled all mine together to get to them faster. I woke up by 6 AM without an alarm clock. I believed in Santa until I became an adult.
Last year changed everything. When Janice passed away with all but 2 of her presents still wrapped, I don't know if I will be able to open presents this year without crying. Last year after Janice passed we had to sit down and open all the presents without her knowing how much she would have liked what she got. How can Christmas presents mean the same thing after a Christmas like last year.
I know next Christmas I will have to start working on getting back into the season for Janice's sibling but this year Christmas feels like throwing salt on an open wound. I want to cry just thinking about what used to be one of the happiest holidays of the year. So many good memories and on devastatingly traumatic one has cast a shadow on everything previous. How cruel the world can be.
I can still picture Janice playing under the tree last year. She was so happy and interested in the tree and ornaments. It was almost like her first Christmas when all she cared about was the lights. I think Janice would have been like me, sleeping under the tree, up before the sun, if she slept. Christmas and presents don't have the same effect on me any more. They used to bring me joy and now they bring me tears.
Last year changed everything. When Janice passed away with all but 2 of her presents still wrapped, I don't know if I will be able to open presents this year without crying. Last year after Janice passed we had to sit down and open all the presents without her knowing how much she would have liked what she got. How can Christmas presents mean the same thing after a Christmas like last year.
I know next Christmas I will have to start working on getting back into the season for Janice's sibling but this year Christmas feels like throwing salt on an open wound. I want to cry just thinking about what used to be one of the happiest holidays of the year. So many good memories and on devastatingly traumatic one has cast a shadow on everything previous. How cruel the world can be.
I can still picture Janice playing under the tree last year. She was so happy and interested in the tree and ornaments. It was almost like her first Christmas when all she cared about was the lights. I think Janice would have been like me, sleeping under the tree, up before the sun, if she slept. Christmas and presents don't have the same effect on me any more. They used to bring me joy and now they bring me tears.
Another song that will never be the same again
"All I Want For Christmas Is You"
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you, yeah.
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
And I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas Day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You, baby
Oh, I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
And I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do?
Baby, all I want for Christmas is you
You, baby
Oh, all the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa, won't you bring me the one I really need?
Won't you please bring my baby to me?
Oh, I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh, I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby, all I want for Christmas is
You, baby
All I want for Christmas is you, baby
All I want for Christmas is you, baby
All I want for Christmas is you, baby
All I want for Christmas is you, baby
My first Christmas in Heaven
I see countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow,
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas Choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart.
but I am not so far away. We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear ones. You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my father said to do,
For I can't count the blessings or love he has for each of you.
So, have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear, Remember
I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
=dont know author-
Monday 2 December 2013
Point of View
Everyone tells me I am strong,
But I feel weak.
Everyone tells me I am was a good mom,
Yet I lost my child.
Everyone tells me I shouldn't blame myself,
But who else can I blame.
I carried her.
I failed her.
I should have been able to save her.
Life is cruel.
I loved her.
I cherished her.
I did all I could for her.
It wasn't enough.
I would have changed the world for her.
I would have given my life for her,
I wasn't given the choice.
Point of view and perspective make all the difference. No one can see through your eyes and no one can understand what they haven't been through. I love Janice and always will. I love this new baby and I will be willing to do all the things I did for Janice for this baby. Does that change the fact that I lost Janice? No. Does that make the pain go away? No. Living life can be the hardest thing to do after the loss of a child. Watching friends and family have what you wanted, what you should have and knowing that you can't. Looking at family pictures and knowing that they are forever one short. Living with the heart break. Learning to carry on to live again. Learning to put on the face of the world and pretend that you are not jaded. Pretending that you haven't changed and that your view of the world hasn't changed when in reality nothing will ever be the same again.
Maybe I am strong because I am able to pick myself up and most days function like I am not overtaken with the pain of loss. Maybe I am strong in the way that I have been able to attempt at moving on in life. It is not an easy thing to do. It is not easy to take those steps and move towards the future knowing someone has been left in your past. It is hard to look to a future knowing that someone doesn't have a future anymore.
Janice was my life. Janice was what I lived for from 2009 to 2012. Living with a special child that needs you more than other children makes loosing them that much more harder. The first month you barely function. The second month you are numb. There is always something missing in everything you do. Don't get me wrong loosing a child, special or not is still debilitating and I wouldn't dare say that it is anything less.
Baby moving gives me hope. The baby is my future. Janice is now a part of me in a way I wish I didn't ever dream of her being. Sadly life goes on.
But I feel weak.
Everyone tells me I am was a good mom,
Yet I lost my child.
Everyone tells me I shouldn't blame myself,
But who else can I blame.
I carried her.
I failed her.
I should have been able to save her.
Life is cruel.
I loved her.
I cherished her.
I did all I could for her.
It wasn't enough.
I would have changed the world for her.
I would have given my life for her,
I wasn't given the choice.
Point of view and perspective make all the difference. No one can see through your eyes and no one can understand what they haven't been through. I love Janice and always will. I love this new baby and I will be willing to do all the things I did for Janice for this baby. Does that change the fact that I lost Janice? No. Does that make the pain go away? No. Living life can be the hardest thing to do after the loss of a child. Watching friends and family have what you wanted, what you should have and knowing that you can't. Looking at family pictures and knowing that they are forever one short. Living with the heart break. Learning to carry on to live again. Learning to put on the face of the world and pretend that you are not jaded. Pretending that you haven't changed and that your view of the world hasn't changed when in reality nothing will ever be the same again.
Maybe I am strong because I am able to pick myself up and most days function like I am not overtaken with the pain of loss. Maybe I am strong in the way that I have been able to attempt at moving on in life. It is not an easy thing to do. It is not easy to take those steps and move towards the future knowing someone has been left in your past. It is hard to look to a future knowing that someone doesn't have a future anymore.
Janice was my life. Janice was what I lived for from 2009 to 2012. Living with a special child that needs you more than other children makes loosing them that much more harder. The first month you barely function. The second month you are numb. There is always something missing in everything you do. Don't get me wrong loosing a child, special or not is still debilitating and I wouldn't dare say that it is anything less.
Baby moving gives me hope. The baby is my future. Janice is now a part of me in a way I wish I didn't ever dream of her being. Sadly life goes on.
Sunday 1 December 2013
Janice Last Christmas with gifts and Grumpy under tree
Janice & her presents with Grumpy under the tree @ Grandma's in Vernon
Janice's 4th Birthday
Janice's 4th Birthday. We released balloons from 3 different locations, these were from Popo's house.
September 15 2013
Shopping
Today Kevin and I went shopping at Safeway for a few necessities. Kevin grabbed a cart and suddenly I was back just over a year ago and we were at Extra Foods shopping with Janice. Janice was being fussy that night and we couldn't figure out why until we were at the check out. The whole trip I had been pushing her in her stroller and Kevin was pushing the shopping cart and Janice had wanted to be up in the shopping cart where she could see everything. Janice loved being up where she could look around and see everything. What seems to be what I did way to often I told Janice "next time".
Why did I always have to say "next time"? Why didn't we just take the time and take Janice around the store once more that night with her sitting up in the buggy where she wanted to be? I miss Janice so much. What I wouldn't give to have just a little more time with her.
This season is horrible to think that last year I was shopping ebay with Janice and she was so excited and happy. This year we are alone. This year I don't have my little girl to remind me of what Christmas is suppose to be about.
Why did I always have to say "next time"? Why didn't we just take the time and take Janice around the store once more that night with her sitting up in the buggy where she wanted to be? I miss Janice so much. What I wouldn't give to have just a little more time with her.
This season is horrible to think that last year I was shopping ebay with Janice and she was so excited and happy. This year we are alone. This year I don't have my little girl to remind me of what Christmas is suppose to be about.
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