Leaving her behind that night I kept wanting to run back to the room. Part of me worried that she would wake up and see that we weren't there with her. I still cry thinking of that night and I am going on a year and a half out. It was heart-breaking walking into the ER room and seeing my husband holding her still form I literally felt my heart break when I saw them and he reaffirmed what the nurse had said which was that my little girl was gone. I was told when they got there she was unresponsive and that the doctors tried for around 30 minutes to revive her without success.
Wednesday, 21 May 2014
Remembering that horrible night
I got to spend 3 beautiful years with Janice. But I still struggle with that horrible night when we had to leave her at the hospital. She was born with many complications and many tell me we were lucky to have her for as long as we did, but all the times she was hospitalized and all the doctors appointments I always went with her. I think she may have spent 2 or 3 nights without me being on the hospital grounds.
Leaving her behind that night I kept wanting to run back to the room. Part of me worried that she would wake up and see that we weren't there with her. I still cry thinking of that night and I am going on a year and a half out. It was heart-breaking walking into the ER room and seeing my husband holding her still form I literally felt my heart break when I saw them and he reaffirmed what the nurse had said which was that my little girl was gone. I was told when they got there she was unresponsive and that the doctors tried for around 30 minutes to revive her without success.
Leaving her behind that night I kept wanting to run back to the room. Part of me worried that she would wake up and see that we weren't there with her. I still cry thinking of that night and I am going on a year and a half out. It was heart-breaking walking into the ER room and seeing my husband holding her still form I literally felt my heart break when I saw them and he reaffirmed what the nurse had said which was that my little girl was gone. I was told when they got there she was unresponsive and that the doctors tried for around 30 minutes to revive her without success.
Thursday, 15 May 2014
Mum's Pillow & Crawling
Tonight I find myself thinkjng of the nights Janice spent sharing a bed with us. She used to fit between our pillows and she would put her head on my pillow and her bum under her da's. Throughout the course of the night Janice would keep telling me to "move" and proceed to steal my pillow. Most nights I would end up on the bottom corner of the bed on the flattest pillow we have and I would wake up still sharing a piĺlow and my good pillow would be unoccupied. What I would give to wake up like that again?
Or to see her bouncing on or sleeping on my pillow as if it was a bed. Oh, to have her wake me up to steal my pillow and ask for her "bears".
Abbygail is starting to move and roll which reminds me of watching Janice make her way down the haĺl at Popo's to the bathroom for her bath. Janice loves her baths. First crawling and then on her board. I remember I was so proud that I video taoed her doing it at least twice. There was also the time that she went all the way to the bathroom and closed the door in my face and then peaked out.
Popo and Goong Goong told me how she would stay in the tub playing until Goong Goong told Janice her show was starting then she would call for Popo and you couldn't get out fast enough.
I miss Janice so very very much. Wish you were here my sweet angel Janice.
Thoughts of Janice
a friend posted to my wall today:
I wanted to tell you this... So I was on your profile on my phone a couple of days ago (to show Kailani the Hello Kitty set I am ordering from you..) and she saw Janice's picture. She asked me about her, and I said "Sorry but she's no longer here..." and Kailani said "Awe Mom, she looks like a little angel..."
ME: May 9 at 9:56pm
With Mother's Day approaching I keep thinking of you, Janice. What would the card you made look like? What would we do for Mother's Day? Maybe just us girls would go out... I wish you were here to give me some home made gift or even just one of your exaggerated hugs.
What I would like for Mother's Day.... is to hold you again
What I would like for Mother's Day.... is to hold you again
May 15
Today I ran into a friend of mine, whom I hadn't seen in a while. We got talking and she mentioned how memorable Janice was and that there were pictures of her up at the daycare. Her boys saw Janice's picture and asked who she was. My friend responded "That's Mommy's friend's daughter" her boys then said they wanted to play with her. It almost made me cry.
Thursday, 8 May 2014
Things Few Understand
It has been a while since I posted and tonight I just felt that I had to.
As much as people try to understand and make me feel better, I feel none of them understand. Especially with Mother's Day on the weekend I feel so much on the outside.
I love both my daughters but Abbygail doesn't and never will fill the void that Janice left. The memories I have of Janice flinging herself off my chest the first time I held her, two nurses poised behind her in case she did accomplish flying out of my arms. The many nights at Children's Hospital rocking Janice not sure what the future held just knowing that in that instance Janice was mine and that I loved her more than I had loved anything or anyone in my life to that point. The way Janice would light up when she saw me; the way she would fling her arms around me to hug me and say "Mum"; the way she would inch toward me as I was leaving for work and in a soft pouty voice say "mum?" as if asking permission to come with me, and it would break my heart leaving her behind even though I knew I couldn't bring her to work with me.
I miss her so much.
People made it sound like Abbygail would heal my heart and make everything better. They didn't and don't understand the heart break that never heals, the scar is always there.
Each holiday that goes by and I hear about Mother's Day teas and the things other people's children are making them and apart of me wants to scream. Janice would be starting Kindergarten this September, and be having her 5th birthday and I have to wonder what crafts and cards and other silly things she would be making at school and daycare to bring home for us. What she would be wanting for her birthday? Would she still be into Care Bears? How many friends would she be inviting to her birthday? Would Janice have been doing the Therapeutic Riding? and would she like the horses?
So many questions and no answers to go with them.
Yes, I have Abbygail; but she can't replace her sister, nor would I want her to. They are each their own and I wouldn't want it any other way. I had my tongue sucker and now I have my thumb sucker. But I will never stop longing for Janice to be in my arms. I will never forget the fact that I am the mother of TWO although I only get to watch one grow up.
Janice is FOREVER apart of our family.
As much as people try to understand and make me feel better, I feel none of them understand. Especially with Mother's Day on the weekend I feel so much on the outside.
I love both my daughters but Abbygail doesn't and never will fill the void that Janice left. The memories I have of Janice flinging herself off my chest the first time I held her, two nurses poised behind her in case she did accomplish flying out of my arms. The many nights at Children's Hospital rocking Janice not sure what the future held just knowing that in that instance Janice was mine and that I loved her more than I had loved anything or anyone in my life to that point. The way Janice would light up when she saw me; the way she would fling her arms around me to hug me and say "Mum"; the way she would inch toward me as I was leaving for work and in a soft pouty voice say "mum?" as if asking permission to come with me, and it would break my heart leaving her behind even though I knew I couldn't bring her to work with me.
I miss her so much.
People made it sound like Abbygail would heal my heart and make everything better. They didn't and don't understand the heart break that never heals, the scar is always there.
Each holiday that goes by and I hear about Mother's Day teas and the things other people's children are making them and apart of me wants to scream. Janice would be starting Kindergarten this September, and be having her 5th birthday and I have to wonder what crafts and cards and other silly things she would be making at school and daycare to bring home for us. What she would be wanting for her birthday? Would she still be into Care Bears? How many friends would she be inviting to her birthday? Would Janice have been doing the Therapeutic Riding? and would she like the horses?
So many questions and no answers to go with them.
Yes, I have Abbygail; but she can't replace her sister, nor would I want her to. They are each their own and I wouldn't want it any other way. I had my tongue sucker and now I have my thumb sucker. But I will never stop longing for Janice to be in my arms. I will never forget the fact that I am the mother of TWO although I only get to watch one grow up.
Janice is FOREVER apart of our family.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)