I used to dread days that I was off and Kevin worked and Janice was at Daycare. I just hated being home alone. Now even with the tv on and Kevin here it seems even more deafening. The silence. To look around and know that Janice isn't coming home. That she won't finish unwrapping her Christmas gifts. Won't ask for "bears" anymore or play with her toys. The hardest part is not hearing her board as she rolls out of her room calling "mom" or "da". Not hearing her voice anymore. That beautiful joyous laughter that contagious smile that melodious voice.
I keep asking why God took my angel away. What I did to deserve loosing my baby so young. Everyone tells me there is a reason or God bless or something else to try to comfort me in my darkest moments but if God were to bless me he wouldn't have taken my baby away from me.
She was everything that made this world worth living. Every ray of sunshine in my life and now I have to stumble in the darkness not knowing what is coming next.
There are no answers to for things that happen to good people or innocent children. There is no sense to be made of senseless actions or times. As much as I don't understand him or his actions I hope God is keeping my baby safe in the arms of the angels and that he keeps her happy until I can hold her again and tell her how much I love her and miss her.
Life isn't fair but as long as I can believe my baby girl, my angel, my monkey is happy I just might be able to find away through this darkness and into the light again.
Saturday, 5 January 2013
Friday, 4 January 2013
Night and Guilt
It seems like there is nothing to do, no reason to go on. I know I have chores and eventually I have to go back to work. I know that Janice would want me to go on, but it is so hard when for 3years it was all for her, everythihng I did revolved around that little angel.
My heart feels like it is broken and hollow, I feel so empty. Life is empty without her. All the pictures show a happy, determined little girl. She had so much to live for. There are so many things she will never do, things that Janice should have had the joy of experiencing. Someone told me it wasn't healthy to keep asking questions but I can't help asking. Why? and how? and what? Why her? Why us? Why now? how did this happen? how did I miss the warnings? Were there any warnings? What happened? What could have taken her so fast?
Some people say I should go back to work. Go back to the place that I was standing when my little girl left to be with the angels? I stood on the corner waiting for them while Kevin drove as fast as he could to get her to the hospital. He was with Janice, not me. I feel guilty I should have been there. Mommy should have been holding her telling her she was going to be ok. That we loved her. Maybe someday, but not today.
Nights are the worst. Every night I would check on her. Every night when she called out it was for me, whether it was for "juice" or "bears" she called "mom". I know she loved me and that I loved her. Sometimes I wonder if she knew how much mommy loved her. What I would give just to have her in my arms again? one more hug? anything just to have her back. But nights the guilt and the memories. Knowing I can walk into the hall turn on the light but find a closed door to a room filled with her bears and toys her bed and everything her, but knowing that my little girl, my baby Janice isn't there and never will be again. How do I get through this? How does one barrie a child and move on?
Janice, Mommy is lost without you. Mommy needs you.
My heart feels like it is broken and hollow, I feel so empty. Life is empty without her. All the pictures show a happy, determined little girl. She had so much to live for. There are so many things she will never do, things that Janice should have had the joy of experiencing. Someone told me it wasn't healthy to keep asking questions but I can't help asking. Why? and how? and what? Why her? Why us? Why now? how did this happen? how did I miss the warnings? Were there any warnings? What happened? What could have taken her so fast?
Some people say I should go back to work. Go back to the place that I was standing when my little girl left to be with the angels? I stood on the corner waiting for them while Kevin drove as fast as he could to get her to the hospital. He was with Janice, not me. I feel guilty I should have been there. Mommy should have been holding her telling her she was going to be ok. That we loved her. Maybe someday, but not today.
Nights are the worst. Every night I would check on her. Every night when she called out it was for me, whether it was for "juice" or "bears" she called "mom". I know she loved me and that I loved her. Sometimes I wonder if she knew how much mommy loved her. What I would give just to have her in my arms again? one more hug? anything just to have her back. But nights the guilt and the memories. Knowing I can walk into the hall turn on the light but find a closed door to a room filled with her bears and toys her bed and everything her, but knowing that my little girl, my baby Janice isn't there and never will be again. How do I get through this? How does one barrie a child and move on?
Janice, Mommy is lost without you. Mommy needs you.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Holding Angels
Angels come in all shapes and sizes,
Sometimes we are lucky enough to meet one,
Holding one is a blessing,
Seeing that smiling face that could light the world.
How do you say good-bye?
How do you stop the tears?
They make the world go round.
They make the sun rise.
My "Borrowed Angel" had a name so dear,
My baby Janice had wings of gold,
Eyes to match the sky,
Hair of light to make her smile bright.
When they leave you just wish time would stop,
You wonder how the world keeps spinning without them.
How the sun continues to rise?
Why they couldn't have stayed just a little longer?
They never truely leave you,
If you listen hard enough you can hear the whispers.
If you look long enough you can see the shadows and footprints they left.
And you know your life was blessed and will never be the same again
"Good-bye seems forever
Farewell is like the end
but in my hearts the memory
And there you will alwys be"
(Don't remember where that is from but it felt fitting)
Janice, Mommy and Daddy miss you so much.
Sometimes we are lucky enough to meet one,
Holding one is a blessing,
Seeing that smiling face that could light the world.
How do you say good-bye?
How do you stop the tears?
They make the world go round.
They make the sun rise.
My "Borrowed Angel" had a name so dear,
My baby Janice had wings of gold,
Eyes to match the sky,
Hair of light to make her smile bright.
When they leave you just wish time would stop,
You wonder how the world keeps spinning without them.
How the sun continues to rise?
Why they couldn't have stayed just a little longer?
They never truely leave you,
If you listen hard enough you can hear the whispers.
If you look long enough you can see the shadows and footprints they left.
And you know your life was blessed and will never be the same again
"Good-bye seems forever
Farewell is like the end
but in my hearts the memory
And there you will alwys be"
(Don't remember where that is from but it felt fitting)
Janice, Mommy and Daddy miss you so much.
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
Janice Story 2009-2012
My bright little Angel flew to heaven on December 26, 2012. Janice was my light and reason for being, she could make anyone smile just by smiling at them. Although she had physical limitations from birth you wouldn't have known it from her determiniation. She was a smart and beautiful girl that had a spirit that I have yet to find an equal. Janice never let anything stop her. Janice loved her Care Bears and Cat in the Hat. Her spirit was as pure on the day she left as it was the day she entered.
Janice was my Borrowed Angel and my Blessing. I felt so proud to be her mother, to just know her. She inspired so many and her light will shine forever. I just wish I could have one more kiss, hear her voice one more time, have one more hug, hold her just one more time; I would trade anything to have her back.
I haven't dreamed much since I lost my angel but when I do it is of her. I feel so lost without her. How do people go on after such a devestating thing as loosing a child so young and full of life. For her to go from being so full of life and happiness as she was on Christmas Eve to the form I held Boxing Day afternoon seems like an impossibility. It makes no sense.
My tears come in spurts and all I want to do is hold Grumpy, her favorite bear. Her daddy gave it to her but mommy is the one that bought it. She didn't go many places without him and I guess I feel if I have Grumpy then she is close by, don't know how much sense I am making.
Miss you Monkey. Mommy and Daddy love you so much.
Janice was my Borrowed Angel and my Blessing. I felt so proud to be her mother, to just know her. She inspired so many and her light will shine forever. I just wish I could have one more kiss, hear her voice one more time, have one more hug, hold her just one more time; I would trade anything to have her back.
I haven't dreamed much since I lost my angel but when I do it is of her. I feel so lost without her. How do people go on after such a devestating thing as loosing a child so young and full of life. For her to go from being so full of life and happiness as she was on Christmas Eve to the form I held Boxing Day afternoon seems like an impossibility. It makes no sense.
My tears come in spurts and all I want to do is hold Grumpy, her favorite bear. Her daddy gave it to her but mommy is the one that bought it. She didn't go many places without him and I guess I feel if I have Grumpy then she is close by, don't know how much sense I am making.
Miss you Monkey. Mommy and Daddy love you so much.
Sometimes
Sometimes
© Colleen Ranney
Sometimes I catch a glimpse,
In softened waves of blue
My child, my heart …when I see a smile
I can’t help but think of you
Sometimes these waves fill oceans.
And feelings string on every shore
A collections of each memory
And every way I wish for more
Sometimes I watch for answers
Because each day I call to you
I ask for faith and courage
And strength …to help me through
Sometimes I ask for bravery
Like dolphins in the deep
Because time moves oh so slowly
And some times the road is steep
Sometimes I want to scream
This was not what I had planned
Why you ever suffered
A mom can’t understand
Sometimes I hear your laughter
And remember you at play
But My Child I always miss you
Not sometimes, but everyday
© Colleen Ranney
Sometimes I catch a glimpse,
In softened waves of blue
My child, my heart …when I see a smile
I can’t help but think of you
Sometimes these waves fill oceans.
And feelings string on every shore
A collections of each memory
And every way I wish for more
Sometimes I watch for answers
Because each day I call to you
I ask for faith and courage
And strength …to help me through
Sometimes I ask for bravery
Like dolphins in the deep
Because time moves oh so slowly
And some times the road is steep
Sometimes I want to scream
This was not what I had planned
Why you ever suffered
A mom can’t understand
Sometimes I hear your laughter
And remember you at play
But My Child I always miss you
Not sometimes, but everyday
Thursday, 27 December 2012
My Baby's Life
My baby girl was born on September 15 2009 and left to be in heaven December 26 2012. I had 3 wonderful, amazing years and 4 Christmas' with my angel. She was smart and happy and beautiful. I always joked Kevin would need those swords of his in a few years to keep the boys at bay. She was adventurous and just plain loved life. She was my reason to get up in the morning.
It was so sudden and shocking. She was fine that morning and gone by afternoon. I still keep thinking she will come rolling out of her room calling "mom" and asking for her "bears".
Everyone keeps asking what they can do for us and I don't even know how to get up in the morning let alone what I need.
Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann was my beautiful baby that left this world too soon. She had a contagious smile and made everyone smile. She touched everyone's heart she met and will always be my angel.
Mommy misses you sweetie. You were our monkey and always will live in our hearts.
It was so sudden and shocking. She was fine that morning and gone by afternoon. I still keep thinking she will come rolling out of her room calling "mom" and asking for her "bears".
Everyone keeps asking what they can do for us and I don't even know how to get up in the morning let alone what I need.
Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann was my beautiful baby that left this world too soon. She had a contagious smile and made everyone smile. She touched everyone's heart she met and will always be my angel.
Mommy misses you sweetie. You were our monkey and always will live in our hearts.
Sunday, 11 November 2012
been a while
I guess it has been a while since I posted on here, not that I think many people read but more an issue of time and things to blog about.
Since my last blog, Janice turned 3 which we spent her birthday in Vernon as we normally do for the September birthdays on Kevin's side of the family. I turned 28 which was as normal around Thanksgiving. We did the two suppers thing but this year Kevin's sister Laura was in town and it was decided that we were doing a October birthday special in Vernon which was nice.
Mostly it has been allot of work and family stuff. Janice has her wheelchair which she will be growing out of fairly quickly I think. Although Vancouver still harps about vitamin D and weight I think we have made progress, she is taking dissoluble vitamin D pills daily and Kamloops doctors seem to be happy with her weight but as normal I will keep monitoring it and hope Vancouver might actually be happy next visit.
We were down in Vancouver at the beginning of September and the only things they would say were "she needs vitamin D" and "She weighs the same as she did in June" I know they are good people but sometimes they irritate me. They wanted us down again for November 29th but after talking to her pediatrician and the nurse clinician I have staved that off as I can't afford to take the time off during the blackout period with Christmas coming nor do I want to transverse the Coquihalla highway in November/December.
Janice has a cough again. She seems to get them 2-5 times a year. At least now with the inhalors we don't end up in the hospital each time. I don't like hearing her cough but at least she is home and comfortable with her toys and "Bears". My angel loves the Care Bears that seems to be all she wants to watch these days. We have been doing good, no tube feed since June; OK that is a lie she has had 2-3 since June but it is mainly now when she is sick that she gets them and that is because she isn't eating much.
On that note I will turn off the computer for now and will hopefully post again soon with not so long of a gap. But I also have to post christmas lists and finish Christmas shopping as we have 3 more gifts to buy as my niece and nephews are coming down for the first Christmas since they were born. It should be a good holiday.
Since my last blog, Janice turned 3 which we spent her birthday in Vernon as we normally do for the September birthdays on Kevin's side of the family. I turned 28 which was as normal around Thanksgiving. We did the two suppers thing but this year Kevin's sister Laura was in town and it was decided that we were doing a October birthday special in Vernon which was nice.
Mostly it has been allot of work and family stuff. Janice has her wheelchair which she will be growing out of fairly quickly I think. Although Vancouver still harps about vitamin D and weight I think we have made progress, she is taking dissoluble vitamin D pills daily and Kamloops doctors seem to be happy with her weight but as normal I will keep monitoring it and hope Vancouver might actually be happy next visit.
We were down in Vancouver at the beginning of September and the only things they would say were "she needs vitamin D" and "She weighs the same as she did in June" I know they are good people but sometimes they irritate me. They wanted us down again for November 29th but after talking to her pediatrician and the nurse clinician I have staved that off as I can't afford to take the time off during the blackout period with Christmas coming nor do I want to transverse the Coquihalla highway in November/December.
Janice has a cough again. She seems to get them 2-5 times a year. At least now with the inhalors we don't end up in the hospital each time. I don't like hearing her cough but at least she is home and comfortable with her toys and "Bears". My angel loves the Care Bears that seems to be all she wants to watch these days. We have been doing good, no tube feed since June; OK that is a lie she has had 2-3 since June but it is mainly now when she is sick that she gets them and that is because she isn't eating much.
On that note I will turn off the computer for now and will hopefully post again soon with not so long of a gap. But I also have to post christmas lists and finish Christmas shopping as we have 3 more gifts to buy as my niece and nephews are coming down for the first Christmas since they were born. It should be a good holiday.
Wednesday, 25 July 2012
Feeling sorry for myself
I know this is petty but I can't help myself. Why can everyone else have perfect, healthy babies when mine can't walk and has other things wrong with her? I know it has been almost three years but I still seem to get constant reminders of all the things that she will never be able to do. I end up grieving all over again for the things she will miss out on while I watch everyone else have children with no issues that can take dance and play any sport they want. I see people chasing after their little ones and I laugh but inside I miss that there isn't going to be much if any of that for me. Sure she has her board and eventually her chair but she can't go that fast with either of them. I will never be able to teach her how to skate or play baseball. I know there are alot of advances in things that people can do from chairs but that doesn't mean they can do everything a person with use of their legs can.
A lot of the people that had kids the same time as Janice was born are on seconds and I can't because I have too many other concerns with Janice and financial issues to be able to even consider giving her a sibling. People say I am strong and they don't know how I dealt with and continue to deal with Janice's medical chart as it were and there are days I don't even know.
She is my angel and just seeing her makes me smile but there is so much more I wish she could experience and do and it makes me sad. Janice has the best out look on life I could have wished for her but is that going to last her all of her life?? I wish I knew.
A lot of the people that had kids the same time as Janice was born are on seconds and I can't because I have too many other concerns with Janice and financial issues to be able to even consider giving her a sibling. People say I am strong and they don't know how I dealt with and continue to deal with Janice's medical chart as it were and there are days I don't even know.
She is my angel and just seeing her makes me smile but there is so much more I wish she could experience and do and it makes me sad. Janice has the best out look on life I could have wished for her but is that going to last her all of her life?? I wish I knew.
Tuesday, 17 July 2012
Update: new place
Well we are loving our new place and everyone seems to be impressed when they see it. Janice is happy with her room and the balcony although she has dropped 3 things off the edge. The floor is quickly dirtied but just as quickly cleaned. I love being able to do laundry on my time table and not having to worry about totting Janice up and down stairs. I can do it while she is playing or watching tv or her trying to help me lol. It is cute she keeps wanting to "help".
Slowly finding a home for everything. Still a few things that I want to pick up to make things look better and give a home to some books and other nick knacks. The landlords are great the few things that needed fixing have been looked into. The top shelf for the fridge we got on the weekend; the shower and carpets have been checked. They are very good at getting to things in a timely fashion.
Again the location is beautiful, walking distance to everything from shopping to restaurants to daycare to pool to transit to parks to family. Janice will be moving rooms in September as well as aging out of Infant Developement. We also have alot of things coming up in September and not just birthdays.
Janice seems to enjoy "helping", bubbles, play dough, finger painting, and flipping through books. I wouldn't put it past her to be reading but she hasn't given me any signs of that. She is so independent and confident, she is always surprising me. Although she still only has about 2 friends and 5 cousins that she gets to do stuff with she is still a happy and smart angel.
Lesson learned make sure Janice's board is moved away from the balcony door before entering, especially when I am caring her. I stepped on it and did the splits; Janice is perfectly fine not even a bump but mommy twisted her knee and bruised her shin.
Slowly finding a home for everything. Still a few things that I want to pick up to make things look better and give a home to some books and other nick knacks. The landlords are great the few things that needed fixing have been looked into. The top shelf for the fridge we got on the weekend; the shower and carpets have been checked. They are very good at getting to things in a timely fashion.
Again the location is beautiful, walking distance to everything from shopping to restaurants to daycare to pool to transit to parks to family. Janice will be moving rooms in September as well as aging out of Infant Developement. We also have alot of things coming up in September and not just birthdays.
Janice seems to enjoy "helping", bubbles, play dough, finger painting, and flipping through books. I wouldn't put it past her to be reading but she hasn't given me any signs of that. She is so independent and confident, she is always surprising me. Although she still only has about 2 friends and 5 cousins that she gets to do stuff with she is still a happy and smart angel.
Lesson learned make sure Janice's board is moved away from the balcony door before entering, especially when I am caring her. I stepped on it and did the splits; Janice is perfectly fine not even a bump but mommy twisted her knee and bruised her shin.
Thursday, 5 July 2012
New Home
This Sunday Kevin, Janice and I moved into our new home in library square. We were further surprised by the view we got of the Kamloops Canada Day fireworks. With the help of four friends and an aunt we got everything but the small stuff from my grandparent's basement moved in one day. We only have about four boxes left to unpack.
Unfortunately the move was followed by my loosing my voice. I saw the doctor today he said it was nothing serious just needs some time to let the swelling around the vocal cords go down.
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