Curse vs Blessing

I find the memories to be a curse as much as a blessing. A curse as those memories make me long to hold her and miss her more than anything. A blessing as those memories keep her alive in my heart.  Everywhere I go I see her or I hear her and I feel like I failed her somehow. I feel I failed so many people. No one has said as much but I feel like I failed in being able to carry her without complications; I failed in not being there for her when she needed me the most; and I can't shake the feeling that if it wasn't for me she would somehow still be here. Everyone can tell me there was nothing I can do, I still feel that it is somehow my fault. 

I don't know how to go on without that bright light. Janice was so full of life and I miss that. My heart feels empty with her absence. My insides are hollow without Janice. I don't know how to move on without her. The world was a better place with her and now without her it seems so empty. 

I never got to be the proud parent watching her first steps but the day she figured out that skateboard I couldn't have been more happy for her. She found her independence. Then when she figured out the stairs, no help from anyone, I glowed with pride. Janice was just like any other child finding her way in the world. Janice only needed to be shown things once and she knew how to do it. There are people that thought she was behind the curve but she only showed people what she wanted them to see; as one person said "she sang to her own song, but only when she wanted to". 

Janice loved the outside despite her disabilities and obstacles in the winter. Janice crawled into everyone's heart with little effort. While others babies were playing with toys, Janice was more focused on learning how to crawl and sit in her own way. Janice never ceased to surprise me in her escapades and did whatever it took to turn my frown upside down. With Janice around there was never a day I could stay sad. 

Janice's Quirks

One of the funniest things that Janice did that I unfortunately didn't have the foresight to take a picture of. It was December 4th because we had a doctor appointment that day. I was just finished getting dressed with Janice watching and she was naming the articles of clothing as I put them on. She wouldn't let me put her clothes on until she was allowed to wear a bra. It was so cute. I let her put on one of my sports bras, a red one on under her shirt. Janice was swimming in it it was so funny and cute. I was finally able to get it off her at the doctor appointment, as we had to weigh her. Although it didn't stop her protesting and wanting to put it back on after the appointment. I should have let Janice have her way. Janice always wanted to be like mommy. 

When we were getting ready to go to Vernon she came rolling into our room with Grumpy on her board with my housecoat belt around her neck like a boa or scarf. It was so cute and again I should have taken a picture but didn't. Why didn't I take more pictures? I mean I only have around 8-900 pictures. that works out to less then a picture a day about 300 pics a year. There should be more to document Janice's life.

I will never forget how my sweet little angel always had a mind of her own and knew exactly what she wanted. Janice was so inspirational and innocent. Janice could make a toy out of anything, even up till she died she found fun in the simplest of things. Christmas eve she was up till almost 1030 playing in a giant tupperware container with her dad and gramps. Some of the beautiful moments that we were lucky enough to have. 

Burdening

I feel so lost and hurt and alone. Yes Kevin is here and I have family but I feel like I am burdening them with my grief when they have their own. She was my everything. I don't know what to do or how to get through each day now. I know it is sad but I think this is the first shower in about a week. I just don't have the drive or motivation, all I want to do is curl up and cry in some hopeless hope that this has all been a bad dream and I will wake up to her stealing my pillow and asking for "bears". 

My tears are far from dry, my cheeks are far from clean. All I can do to keep me distracted and functioning. Everything I did was for her and now I don't know how to function my ears still hear her and my eyes still see her, my little girl Janice; but I can't touch her, can't brush her hair out of her eyes.

At night I keep asking why? and wounder what I missed. Did she have some underlying condition that I missed? what could have caused a healthy 3 year old to go so fast? There was nothing that I can think of that  would send red flags. Janice was fine, slept a good 18 hours then drank something like 2 liters over 15 hours, had 2 bouts of diarrhea, then her lips went blue and an hour later she was gone. So fast and no warning. I wasn't even able to be there for her in those last few hours. I was at work. Janice died without mommy. She was so full of life.

I can't bring myself to burden anyone with my grief and so I write about it in a blog and in a diary until my tears stop or are too overpowering and I can't read through the fog. I always tried to believe everything happens for a reason but I can't see any reason to take a beautiful, little angel so filled with life from this world so young.  Janice is in a better place, where is a better place than in the arms of a loving mother?  What did I do wrong that an all forgiving father felt he had to take my baby from me so young?  What I wouldn't give for just a little more time with her... any more time with her.

My baby is gone and I feel so empty and words can't even describe how I feel. Who decides when we have done on earth? There was so much I wanted to show Janice, so much I wanted to share with her and now she is gone and I feel like I failed her. I don't even know how I tried my best did everything I could to try to give her everything she could need and somehow it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough.... 

Janice's spirit

My little angel was so determined and independent. Janice was so proud of herself when she mastered something, example when she was able to climb the stairs or doing headstands. She was even able to take a few steps on her hands. Janice always knew what she wanted and went for it. I will never forget the first time she climbed up on her bed by herself or when she figured out she didn't need help getting on and off of mommy and daddy's bed without help. 

We can only be so lucky to have Janice's determination. My little one could have had the world if given the chance and with her beautiful soul she would have given it to the heavens. She had a smile to light the room. I  feel more tears coming on as I think of all the things that she will never do. I used to get passed these moments by thinking of the things she would still have a head of her, but now there is none of that.  

I find myself angered by the comments of the people on facebook because they seem to take for granted the things that I will never get. They complain about their children making messes while the only mess I get to clean up now is to put her stuff in boxes and sort through all of her items into keep and give away. I would trade a disaster to clean up to avoid the inevitable tasks I have ahead of myself. 

Janice loved life and the outdoors and to have her slip away so fast and without warning was heart breaking and a loss for the world. Such a spirit and pure innocence. She worked so hard for what so many of us take for granted and took pride in every accomplishment that she won. Janice never let any obstacles get in her way and I know in my heart she fought to the end to stay with us, but in the end she needed to find her own care-a-lot and fly in the clouds.

Picking up Janice's things

So today I went to the daycare today and picked up Janice's things. Her two backpacks, pictures, and last art project. Her second Dora backpack that she picked out herself, filled with her school clothes. Janice also had left her feeding backpack filled with her stuff. The art project was a footprint reindeer. 

It was hard going there because picking up that stuff means that she is never going back there again. In the mail we also received two letters one from BC Children's thanking us for donations made in Janice's name and the other was a receipt from the funeral home.

Kevin found the angel necklace I was looking for that I bought for Janice from Avon. I don't think I am anywhere close to finishing mourning. 

My eyes are sticky from tears. I still have trouble believing that my baby is gone.

Lucky?

When Janice was born it was terrifying. Not sure what was going to happen, Not knowing if she would survive because we didn't know all that was wrong with her. Then when we got her home and she slept through the night, to the point that she worried some. People from friends to relatives told us we were lucky. When Janice was the best travelling child, again we got told that we were lucky again.

Now as I sit mourning a child while those that told me I was lucky are still holding and snuggling their children. Who is the lucky one? As I am trying to figure out how to get through another night without, who is the lucky one?

Define lucky: 

Adjective Having, bringing, or resulting from good luck: "a lucky escape".

Synonyms fortunate - happy - successful - providential

How is loosing a child at the young age of 3 lucky? I would rather have spent the last 2 years up half each night or I would have enjoyed many a trips with her screaming or annoying me to death to have her back in my arms. 

The moms that complain about anything their children do I envy. I would trade almost anything for another day with Janice. 

Bringing Janice Home

Today Janice is finally home again. Her ashes have been placed next to her "bears". Kevin and I have our necklaces holding the last of our baby. My eyes burn with unshed tears. How can anyone say good-bye to a 3 year old?

I allowed myself to get dragged to Vernon last night where we ended up getting snowed in. The bed seemed so big. In Vernon Janice always slept in the same bed with us and she snuggled close to me. Last night was so lonely even though we were surrounded by people.

I called CFJC TV news to see if we could get a copy of the news clip from last February. They don't have raw footage but they said that they would make sure we got a copy of the segment.

God never gives us more than we can handle

One saying that got me through Janice's birth was that God never gives you more than you can handle.  It doesn't let you know how close to your limit he will push you. I thought finding out that Janice was special needs and I realized all the hardships that came along with it; but I got past it I found a way to smile back at that little angel. I found a way to look to her future with a smile. I thought that was all I could handle. I didn't know how I would get through those first few months.

I am now back at that spot, wondering how to get through each day. My life seems like there is no purpose anymore. My baby was taken from me with no rhyme or reason. I feel drawn to Touched By An Angel and Twice In A Lifetime, shows that god is here and loves us. It makes me wonder why he didn't save my daughter. There are so many memories, yet I find myself mourning the moments I will never experience. I missed out on so many things like first steps but I cheered Janice on as she learned to crawl on her own, when she climbed the steps for the first time. I never let her believer that there was anything she couldn't do.

It would be so easy to give in but I couldn't leave my friends and family mourn two when I have a choice. But my heart aches to be with Janice, to hold her in my arms again. I don't think I will ever understand why I live while she didn't. I keep asking myself so many questions and I have no answers for any of them.

Long Lonely Nights

My eyes fill with tears as the memories flood my mind. Missed kodac moments, missed opportunities. The things Janice used to do. One of my last memories of her is Janice rolling into our room with my pink bathrob's belt around her neck like a scarf or boa. She looked so cute as she smiled up at me with Grumpy hanging facedown on her board.

I always thought there would be more time, another opportunity to capture that image. Now I am left alone. Nights seem long and endless. Eventually sleep will come, eventually I will find peace. In the meantime I weep silently trying not to burden people with my grief.

I miss her so much. I miss her waking me at night for "juice" or the odd time for "bears" I miss her smile. I miss her running over my feet with her board and saying "ouch" I used to laugh because she said ouch when I was the one if anyone that got hurt. I miss the way she tried so hard to say things and I miss her always wanting to help.

I was rearranging her room and she wanted to help. I couldn't seem to get past her determination explaining she was too small to help me move her bed as she sat on her board and proceeded to try and push the leg of her bed to help mommy. I moved her on the bed so I could finish and she stayed up there "helping" the whole time.

Part of me doesn't want to let go. Doesn't want to admit my baby is gone. But the look on Kevin's face at the hospital that horrible day and the constant reminders are getting too much. I just want to crawl into her room and curl up in a ball . My tears are blinding as I type this in the dark. I don't know how to get through this. I don't know how to move on. I go from knowing what needs to be done to wondering what I need to do. There are still wrapped presents for her that I can't bear to touch. I can hardly look at the closed door to her room as she only once closed her bedroom door. My baby is gone and I am lost.

Janice, sweetheart, you were everything to mommy and now I don't know what to do without you. I have a continual urge to bring Grumpy everywhere with me just so I can feel close to you. As much as people would laugh at a 28 year old woman carrying a stuffed care bear. I wonder if you can still remember watching fireworks from daddy's lap on mommy and daddy's bed through the window? Do you still remember anything once you pass into heaven?

I keep wondering who you would have grown up to be. What things you would have taught us? How you would have tortured us when you hit the rebelious stage? If you would have rebelled at all? Why did you have to go? Why did you have to go so soon? What did I do? What did I miss? Were you sick and I was blind to it? What could I have done to save you?

If I was only at home with you would that have saved you? Instead I was standing, waiting at the corner at work. I let it flash only once that you wouldn't come home. I wouldn't let myself believe it. Then I got that call, the call no parent should get. When I held your little body for the last time my heart broke. Not wanting to believe what my eyes and head were saying. The doctors had to be lying or maybe I was dreaming. But a week later and I am still without you.

If only one more day, one more night, Just a few more hours to tell you how much I love you, how much I care, how much you meant to everyone you touched, ..... if only to say .... good-bye.

There are people out there that hurt children, abuse or endanger children and they still get to have their children welcome them home. I am told I was a good parent, an amazing mom, and yet I am now childless with no answers as to why. Why I lost my little monkey before she had even had a chance to live?

Everything happens for a reason; God never gives us more than we can take. I made a mantra of those two sayings that first month after you were born. Making myself believe there was a reason for the dangers you faced following your birth. And despite evertying you lived and prospered for 3 years 3 months and 11 days before suddenly and without warning leaving this world. Those sayings leave me demanding why.

I will never in this life know the answer and yet I will forever ask. Why you were given to us? Survived all the things that came at you for 3 years only to be ripped from my arms? My heart is in peices as I sit up crying myself to sleep while typing this and am no closer to answers then the day you left this world for one of clouds and beauty that matched you and your innocence.

What am I suppose to do? How do you go on after loosing God's most preacious gift? When will my heart be whole again? When do the tears stop falling? Janice I still hear you and feel you but I can never again hold you and comfort you and don't know how to get back up from this. Janice please be near and give mommy strength

Tears in the Snow

How do you stop the tears?
How to you put the pain away?
How do you move on?
The snow falls like rain,
It mirrors my tears.

Tearing up my heart
The way you went away.
You left me behind
As you flew into the air

Your wings shone like gold
Through the glistening snow
Your eyes sparkled like icicles.
You loved the snow
Even though you couldn't say the word.

The world was better for you being in it
In my dreams you still smile
That smile that warms my heart
Child of mine,
Angel of life
The glue that held my life together

In my dreams you will live forever
In my heart you will have a home
In my eyes your spark will always shine
Your playful spirit will never leave
Tears in the Snow will mark my sorrow
As I miss you till the day you greet me at the gate

 Dedicated to Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story
Love you Janice