Holding and Hugging and Dreams

I miss Janice. I miss her every day. I miss her every night. The pain never truly goes away. Sometimes it is just a matter of how much it hurts and what triggers you run into on that given day. 

The hardest thing in this world is loosing a child and when that child is your only child it is that much more devastating. When you have other living children you don't miss the hugs, and the playing. I mean your family is always one short but when you need a hug your other children can help fill that void. When you loose your only child you are left with empty arms, if you are lucky you have stuffed animal or something sentimental that you can hold and hug but it isn't the same.

Even having another child taking you back to step 1 and there are so many things that you should get but never will. Like a picture of the siblings together. Seeing your children playing together or tormenting each other. Watching the younger one try to imitate the older one. All things I don't get to see with Janice. I don't get to see Janice watching over her siblings, although she can watch over them in a way not everyone can.

When I dream of Janice both of us are so happy. I find them peaceful and heavenly.I believe as many have commented that it is Janice's way of telling me she is happy and well, also her way of checking in on her family. Sometimes she is walking, it is like she is still alive. I know she isn't and that is why waking up can be so devastating. In my dreams I can hold her, hug her, kiss her, play with her, anything we want to do. In the light of day when I am awake the reality is so much different. Not many can fathom the devastation of waking up. In dreams any one your heart longs for is just a phone call or thought away. Then to be ripped away from the life you wish was still here, the life in which our loved ones are still with us; a utopia where there is no pain or loss and life is as near perfect as imperfect beings can be. I long for the dreams but I still hate waking up and leaving her behind, it almost feels like that horrible night again when we left Janice's small form behind at the hospital. It was very hard for me I think she may have only spent 3 or 4 nights in the hospital without me maybe even less and so leaving her that final night broke my heart as much as it broke when I was told she was gone. That night I honestly didn't want to leave her for fear that she would wake up alone, denial of the situation.No one wants to believe that their loved ones are gone and not going to wake up again.

Janice's sibling will show me that you life does go on but there is always going to be someone missing. There will always be things that will make me think of Janice and bring tears to my eyes. Life does go on after loss but it is never the same and anyone that tells you different is a liar or has no idea of real loss.

Presents

I used to love Christmas. I slept under the tree till I moved out and didn't have a tree of my own. I shook the presents and made guesses as to what was in each of mine. I pilled all mine together to get to them faster. I woke up by 6 AM without an alarm clock. I believed in Santa until I became an adult. 

Last year changed everything. When Janice passed away with all but 2 of her presents still wrapped, I don't know if I will be able to open presents this year without crying. Last year after Janice passed we had to sit down and open all the presents without her knowing how much she would have liked what she got. How can Christmas presents mean the same thing after a Christmas like last year. 

I know next Christmas I will have to start working on getting back into the season for Janice's sibling but this year Christmas feels like throwing salt on an open wound. I want to cry just thinking about what used to be one of the happiest holidays of the year. So many good memories and on devastatingly traumatic one has cast a shadow on everything previous. How cruel the world can be.

I can still picture Janice playing under the tree last year. She was so happy and interested in the tree and ornaments. It was almost like her first Christmas when all she cared about was the lights. I think Janice would have been like me, sleeping under the tree, up before the sun, if she slept. Christmas and presents don't have the same effect on me any more. They used to bring me joy and now they bring me tears. 

Another song that will never be the same again

"All I Want For Christmas Is You"

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you, yeah.

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
And I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas Day

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You, baby

Oh, I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
And I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe

I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click

'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do?
Baby, all I want for Christmas is you
You, baby

Oh, all the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air

And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa, won't you bring me the one I really need?
Won't you please bring my baby to me?

Oh, I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door

Oh, I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby, all I want for Christmas is
You, baby

All I want for Christmas is you, baby
All I want for Christmas is you, baby
All I want for Christmas is you, baby
All I want for Christmas is you, baby

My first Christmas in Heaven

I see countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow,
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas Choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring, 
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart.
but I am not so far away. We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear ones. You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above, 
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my father said to do,
For I can't count the blessings or love he has for each of you.

So, have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear, Remember
I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

=dont know author-

Point of View

Everyone tells me I am strong,
But I feel weak.
Everyone tells me I am was a good mom,
Yet I lost my child.
Everyone tells me I shouldn't blame myself,
But who else can I blame.
I carried her.
I failed her.
I should have been able to save her. 

Life is cruel.
I loved her.
I cherished her.
I did all I could for her.
It wasn't enough.
I would have changed the world for her.
I would have given my life for her,
I wasn't given the choice.

Point of view and perspective make all the difference. No one can see through your eyes and no one can understand what they haven't been through. I love Janice and always will. I love this new baby and I will be willing to do all the things I did for Janice for this baby. Does that change the fact that I lost Janice? No. Does that make the pain go away? No. Living life can be the hardest thing to do after the loss of a child. Watching friends and family have what you wanted, what you should have and knowing that you can't. Looking at family pictures and knowing that they are forever one short. Living with the heart break. Learning to carry on to live again. Learning to put on the face of the world and pretend that you are not jaded. Pretending that you haven't changed and that your view of the world hasn't changed when in reality nothing will ever be the same again. 

Maybe I am strong because I am able to pick myself up and most days function like I am not overtaken with the pain of loss. Maybe I am strong in the way that I have been able to attempt at moving on in life. It is not an easy thing to do. It is not easy to take those steps and move towards the future knowing someone has been left in your past. It is hard to look to a future knowing that someone doesn't have a future anymore. 

Janice was my life. Janice was what I lived for from 2009 to 2012. Living with a special child that needs you more than other children makes loosing them that much more harder. The first month you barely function. The second month you are numb. There is always something missing in everything you do. Don't get me wrong loosing a child, special or not is still debilitating and I wouldn't dare say that it is anything less. 

Baby moving gives me hope. The baby is my future. Janice is now a part of me in a way I wish I didn't ever dream of her being. Sadly life goes on.

Janice last christmas - with cousins

Janice's last Christmas. Under the tree with her cousins

Janice Last Christmas with gifts and Grumpy under tree

Janice & her presents with Grumpy under the tree @ Grandma's in Vernon

Janice's 4th Birthday

Janice's 4th Birthday. We released balloons from 3 different locations, these were from Popo's house.

September 15 2013

Janice

Janice's resting spot. Her ashes in the middle surrounded by her "Bears".

Shopping

Today Kevin and I went shopping at Safeway for a few necessities. Kevin grabbed a cart and suddenly I was back just over a year ago and we were at Extra Foods shopping with Janice. Janice was being fussy that night and we couldn't figure out why until we were at the check out. The whole trip I had been pushing her in her stroller and Kevin was pushing the shopping cart and Janice had wanted to be up in the shopping cart where she could see everything. Janice loved being up where she could look around and see everything. What seems to be what I did way to often I told Janice "next time". 

Why did I always have to say "next time"? Why didn't we just take the time and take Janice around the store once more that night with her sitting up in the buggy where she wanted to be? I miss Janice so much. What I wouldn't give to have just a little more time with her. 

This season is horrible to think that last year I was shopping ebay with Janice and she was so excited and happy. This year we are alone. This year I don't have my little girl to remind me of what Christmas is suppose to be about.