So much has happened in the last 3 years. I forgot about the blog for awhile and then I was unable to login but now that I am back in I guess it is time to catch up.

Abbygail ish now 4 and a half. She is a little trouble maker, even more so when her buddy Kingston is around. Abbygail has been doing gymnastics for over a year and appears to thoroughly enjoy it. She has bee attending the Child Development Center, same as Janice for the past 3 years.

Last year Popo started having medical and bowel problems. After getting a colostomy bag last spring, she ended up with a bowel obstruction. They attempted to clear it by normal means but eventually realized the need for surgery. During the attempted surgery Popo aspirated and went into cardiac arrest and fell into a coma... after 3 days the family decided to pull the plug. Popo died November first 2017.

Not completely a surprise as after Kevin's Grand-dad past, my period at the end of August needed encouraging to come but came.  Which made me conclude that I needed to reboot my hormones needed to be reset, I took off my patch. Thru September I had a urinary tract infection and my next cycle only lasted 3 days and then following Popo's death I asked Dr. Stephanyuk for something to help me deal with the loss, it was then I realized I was late. A pregnancy test confirmed that I was indeed with child.

The pregnancy was emotionally stressful and took alot of strength to get thru. Christmas was held at Goong Goong's with the knowledge that it would be the last. There were some issues at work due to my appearance at work but the management was understanding. 

Goong Goong's health started to slide. His memory and mobility faltering which came to a head in March when he had a minor stroke. He subsequently spent 4 months in hospital before a bed came open at the Hamlet's. Goong Goong has since been moved a final move to Pine Grove.

I made it to March before being pulled off work. June arrived and my insulin needs plummeted which precipitated a trip to the hospital. Tuesday they found everything was fine but advised baby would be coming sooner than later. Wednesday Dr.Adam's office called to have me go to the hospital Thursday morning by 2pm Madeline Gloria Yoshie Story was born via emergency c-section. 
I will be talking more about these events in subsequent blogs in more depth.

my visit to the ICU

It all started on Abbygail's birthday, she got her first cold. A few days later I had the cough and runny nose. Abbygail seemed to be having a better time with the cold than I was. I found trouble eating and was sleeping a bit more than normal.

Thursday at Abbygail's doctor appointment I mentioned the issue I was having eating and he gave me 2 prescriptions to help. That evening despite not feeling good I went in for a 3 hour shift.
I slept most of Friday but was happy that I had actually eaten a can of soup. Thursday and Friday nights I woke multiple times with dry mouth. Saturday at about 5am I woke up feeling very ill. I called Auntie Carol to take me to the ER. Mom had worked till 11pm the previous night.
Auntie Carol came and drove me to the hospital at which point I was not understandable; luckily she remembered to mention I was diabetic. I remember getting to the hospital talking to the triage nurse being rushed over to get a bracelet and being wisked into the ER. I don't have any real memories of Saturday. Mom said Auntie called her shortly after getting me to the hospital as they had left her in the waiting room and weren't giving her any information. I am told I went into a state of delusion and delirious nes. I was flailing and swearing to the point where they had to restrain me.
I remember my mom asking me my phone password but despite thinking I was making sense I wasn't.
I remembered telling 2 nurses that i had to go the bathroom and them trying to tell me I had a catheter.
I have a flash of seeing dad in the ER
I woke up when they were rolling me down for a CT scan. I had apparently been complaining of a headache and they were checking for clots.
When I woke Sunday morning I still had one wrist restrained and 8 bags hanging on an IV tree. I had a wrist IV, 1 in the elbow and a femoral IV. Mom, Kevin and Dad arrived shrtly after I woke up. I spent another 36 hours in the ICU and another 24 on 3 West.
My ph levels and electrolytes were all severly out of wack. I had my first diabetic complication. .. ketonacidosis.
Mom said I had been given a ph kit which they rarely use.
My arms are still pretty bruised even now. Saturday Kevin went to Future Shop to tell Blair and subsequently was given the week off. I return to work on Monday.

I may post again on this topic

Posting update timeline

Anyone that follows my blog must wonder why sometimes posts arenmonths apart. The answer is I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and when I blog it is mostly when I am in a state of extreme emotion. There are also times when I just do not want the world to know something. I filled another diary last night. That is where I do alot of my writing as I can limit access to it and don't have to censor as much, also writing on paper with a pen is thereputc . This blog is still active but there are gaps because it is not a diary and depending on life which is more convenient.
There will most likely be an emotional and sad post in the next few days.

Intervention??

Yesterday a friend sent me a message that frustrated me and to be honest pissed me off because they came to their conclusions based on what they saw over 24 hours after barely seeing me for 5 years. Keep in mind that I am 6 months out from having given birth to Abbygail. Here is part of the message:

You are not going to like what I am about to say to you, you will probable be angry, you will probably say to yourself "Great, another person lecturing me" and you will probably try to tune me out. But you need to pay attention to these words. I am worried about you. I know you have struggled with your weight almost your whole life, I have as well so I know what its like. However, Tanya you have let it get way out of hand. You are no longer a little over weight or just a bigger girl anymore. You are obese. I'm sorry if it hurts to hear me say that but it's true. And this isn't bad just because you have diabetes, it's bad to be obese no matter if you have an underlying condition or not. You NEED to lose weight. 

In the last year I lost my daughter Janice at the age of 3 and went through a second pregnancy. I am down to my pre-pregnancy weight but am still over 200lbs. Keeping in mind that I am diabetic and insulin doesn't help your weight and I could also drink less pop as aspartame also doesn't help. But I am regularly seeing my doctor and diabetes clinic. At my last visit with the clinic we went over what I eat on an average day and about working on walking between 5000 - 10000 steps, which I would have told her had she asked.
You have a commitment to be here for your daughter, Abby. Do you want to end up leaving her without a mother because you couldn't be healthy? I don't want to see you die of a heart attack at 40 and neither does anyone else. Plus, you are diabetic, that reason alone is why you should be being healthy. Most people who are diagnosed with diabetes lose weight, not gain.

My response was:
Guess what I see my doctor and diabetes clinic regularly. I am currently working on walking 5000 steps a day. I have been eating a LOT of fruit the last 6 months and most of the fast food I eat is because popo takes me there. As for the chips the other day I had been wanting them for almost a month and I was on my period so excuse me. I have weighed myself recently and am at my pre-pregnancy weight. The fact that you and my "family" are talking about me behind my back hurts. I am sorry that I have put on some weight in the last year and a bit but it has been a HARD year and NONE of you know what it is like to go through what I have. I may message you again once I have cooled down

She proceeded to argue with me that I should do more and that she had talked to my family before talking to me. It is frustrating that she berated me without any consideration on what I have been through or asking what steps I maybe taking to lose weight. Proceeding to tell ME what MY problems are and what I should do. Where are her credentials? She is not a dietitian or medical professional.

She claimed that she was basing her judgement off of years of seeing my eating habits when she has barely seen me since she moved out of town 5 years ago.

I just wish she had taken a different approach with her concerns and it would not have hurt as much as it did.

Grief and Differences - posting drom june?

I find it frustrating the people who imply and seem to think that I should be over the death of Janice. It has been a year and a half but the wound is still fresh, even with Abbygail here with us. A lot of people don't seem to understand. 

Loosing a child isn't something that after a day you are better, a week you are moving on, a month you are back to yourself. Loosing a child is a life changing thing that you will never be the same after. 
You will always think what would they be doing now? What would they think about this? You always wish that they were in your arms giving you a hug. 
Years can pass and you will still miss them and still wish that they were still with you. 
As you watch future children grow and hit those precious milestones will remind you and make you think of your precious heavenly child.

Loosing a child is different for everyone. Loosing a child who has reached adulthood is different than loosing a teenager; loosing a teenager is different that loosing a child; loosing a child is different than loosing a toddler; loosing a toddler is different than loosing a infant; loosing an infant is different that having a stillborn; having a stillborn is different than a miscarriage; And none of the above is anything like loosing a sibling, spouse, parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle or pet. Daring to compare the loss of a child to  loosing a sibling, spouse, parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle or pet is an insult and disrespectful of the grieving parent that lost their child. 

I feel jealous that almost everyone I know gets to have all their children and I had to loose one. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Don't get me wrong I don't wish it on my worst enemy.That doesn't change the fact that seeing so many people that get to have those beautiful pictures of their children together, the complete family, those pictures I don't get. 

I don't care if I have posted similar things before it is how I feel. I bottle enough things. I journal enough things to prevent what I am going through from hurting others. 

Abbygail is growing and becoming a beautiful toddler. At 5 and a half months she is doing wonderful but there isn't a day that I don't wish that her sister was here; That Abby could meet and play with her sister. Everyone looks at me like there is something wrong with me when I have a bad or off day because they somehow think that having Abbygail loosing Janice shouldn't cause me any more pain. I don't care who you are it could be 10 years, 25 years 50 years and I will still miss and wish Janice was still here with us. Janice should be playing with Abbygail, teaching her how to get into trouble, reading to Abbygail; instead I sit here watching Abbygail play on the floor alone, never to know her older sister and what the two of them are missing our on. 

Abbygail is eating a small jar of food for supper for the past 2 nights. She is rolling and getting close to crawling and teething and loosing that baby look that Janice and her shared. Abbygail is becoming her own. The sleepless nights grow farther apart but are always just a sunset away.

She's been on my mind

Janice is on my mind again. When I couldn't sleep I would go into her bedroom and tuck her hair back and out of her face and pull her blanket up to keep her ware even though I knew she didn't like being covered up. I would sit on her bed and talk to her and somehow that helped and I could go back to bed and sleep. 

With Abbygail when I try that it reminds me of those nights in Janice's room and makes me want to cry. I miss Janice so much. I can see all the things that she would be doing with Abby and to help with Abby. But she isn't here. Janice is gone and will never get to experience being a big sister. 

I wish we had more videos of her. I miss her little voice so much. I wish so much that the past year and a half was a horrible nightmare and I would wake up to Janice stealing my pillow. I know this blog has turned into me saying a lot of this stuff over and over again but I can't help it. My family of 3 should be a family of 4. Janice should be here and she isn't. I just want to scream "WHY?" 

People try to tell me at least she didn't/isn't suffering. Have you seen the pictures? Show me the picture that tells you my little angel was in pain or suffering. Someone tried to tell me she was spared the bullying that Janice would have endured when she got to school. I really don't think like that, Janice was so friendly and full of life I think anyone that tried would have been faced with many others of Janice's friends. I know that medically she had some issues but I wanted to think that my little angel Janice would have over come them with all that determination she showed us on a daily basis. Janice never let anything stop her. 

I sit here in front of the laptop crying as I type this, my only outlet for the grief that still eats at me. The guilt that when Janice needed me the most I wasn't able to be there for her. I should have been beside her in the car as Kevin drove her to the hospital that fateful day. It is still so vivid in my mind. The look on Kevin's face as he handed her still form to me. I wanted to scream but found no voice. How still and quiet she was; somehow part of me wanted to believe she was just sleeping. Even in the funeral home she always looked like she could wake at any moment. I feared leaving her that night thinking what if Janice wakes up and mummy isn't there? The coldness of her body in her red Christmas dress complete with hat, her pink mitts and pink Yoshi that will forever be with her. 

People try to tell me to get over it. They imply that I shouldn't cry or have bad days any more because I have Abbygail, Those are the people that have their perfect happy families that don't understand the feeling of knowing that your family is always missing one. The ones that don't know the silence left behind by a child not being there any more. Every day wondering what that missing and lost child would be and should be doing. Seeing something in a store and thinking how much that Janice would have liked it. The people that don't know the pain of having to open gifts mean for a child that will never see them, never play with them.

Janice would be turning 5 this September and starting kindergarten. Janice should have brought home mother and father's day crafts from daycare. Janice should have been having gotten used to her "chair" and using that to go our and about while still using her "board" when at home or at the water park. Janice loved the water, I wish I had more pictures and more videos of my sweet little girl that left this world too soon. .

Expectations

I lost my daughter and although 99% of my friends and family have NO idea what that is like, I still feel lile they judge me.

Janice has been gone 1 year 5 months and 10 days; yes, she now has a little sister. Why do people think that because of these 2 things I should be better? At least that is how it feels.

I wish you would all understand time doesn't fix this. Time and or having another child doesn't change the fact that I lost my daughter. Nothing can bring her back. Nothing can mend the hole in my heart that longs to hold her, to hear her voice and her laugh,  to see her grow into the beautiful and smart woman I know Janice would have become.

Yet whether it be the look in your eye or tone of voice or the words you say; the message is still "aren't you over it?"
I didn't loose a puppy. I lost my vibrant beautiful child that didn't even get a chance to really live.

Then you expect me ti be able to be happy, smile and be able to look at other children without longing and thimking of what Janice should be and would be doing.

Janice would be turning 5 this September and starting kindergarten.  She would have a wheel chair and spcialized bike by now to get around. Janice would be telling me stories and telling me what she wanted to get, what she wanted to wear, what she needed, even telling me what she wanted to do for her birthday. Janice would have a list of friends. But no one asks or talks about her. It feels like the more time passes the more people forget about her.

Last night at dinner my nieces wanted to hold and help feed Abby. That should have been Janice.

FYI the clichés don't help. Time doesn't heal all wounds, it just gives us time to adjust to the scars. She is in a better place? Seriously? What is a better place for a child then in their parent's loving arms? At least she didn't suffer, were you there? How do you know my child was or would have suffered?  And if we are going that route then why am I still here to endure the pain and suffering that came in the wake of loosing my child?

For those that say you can decide to be happy, what do you think I do 90% of the time? I put on a smile and I do my best to fit in with this world and not break down and cry when I see all of you with your happy, healthy families and knowing you aren't jaded like I am. You don't have the constant fear of loosing anyone else.

I am sorry if this hurts people to read but this is MY blog and MY feelings so I will post what I want. YOU CHOOSE to READ.
I LOVE Abbygail but I will NEVER stop missing Janice.

Hard finding the Joy

I feel bad because I can't feel happy when my sister and her daughters visit or ask me  to go and do something with them. I just feel sad because Janice isn't here and she would be doing a lot of the things my nieces are doing. My oldest niece is 6 and youngest is 3 while Janice would be 4 turning 5 this year. Even with Abby I still struggle to smile and pretend to be interested in my nieces banter and babbling. 

Is it wrong? Am I wrong in feeling this way? Will it ever end?

Why does it seem everyone I know gets their happy, perfect families, while my family is forever 1 short? Tonight I had a family dinner with my sister, nieces and grandparents. My nieces weren't eating and all I could think was I never had trouble getting Janice to put food in her mouth. She may have pocketed certain textures but Janice was getting better at eating and was almost off of the tube feedings when she passed. 

Last week we received a visit report for Janice from her speech therapist that was post marked November 2012. It was like a knife being twisted in my heart. I just haven't been myself since. I just feel stressed and depressed. Also last month the digital frame that we bought to remember Janice died. Spring just isn't my season. 

Wish I could feel better.

Remembering that horrible night

I got to spend 3 beautiful years with Janice. But I still struggle with that horrible night when we had to leave her at the hospital. She was born with many complications and many tell me we were lucky to have her for as long as we did, but all the times she was hospitalized and all the doctors appointments I always went with her. I think she may have spent 2 or 3 nights without me being on the hospital grounds.

Leaving her behind that night I kept wanting to run back to the room. Part of me worried that she would wake up and see that we weren't there with her. I still cry thinking of that night and I am going on a year and a half out. It was heart-breaking walking into the ER room and seeing my husband holding her still form I literally felt my heart break when I saw them and he reaffirmed what the nurse had said which was that my little girl was gone. I was told when they got there she was unresponsive and that the doctors tried for around 30 minutes to revive her without success.

Mum's Pillow & Crawling

Tonight I find myself thinkjng of the nights Janice spent sharing a bed with us. She used to fit between our pillows and she would put her head on my pillow and her bum under her da's. Throughout the course of the night Janice would keep telling me to "move" and proceed to steal my pillow. Most nights I would end up on the bottom corner of the bed on the flattest pillow we have and I would wake up still sharing a piĺlow and my good pillow would be unoccupied.  What I would give to wake up like that again?
Or to see her bouncing on or sleeping on my pillow as if it was a bed. Oh,  to have her wake me up to steal my pillow and ask for her "bears".

Abbygail is starting to move and roll which reminds me of watching Janice make her way down the haĺl at Popo's to the bathroom for her bath. Janice loves her baths. First crawling and then on her board. I remember I was so proud that I video taoed her doing it at least twice. There was also the time that she went all the way to the bathroom and closed the door in my face and then peaked out.

Popo and Goong Goong told me how she would stay in the tub playing until Goong Goong told Janice her show was starting then she would call for Popo and you couldn't get out fast enough.

I miss Janice so very very much. Wish you were here my sweet angel Janice.