I feel bad because I can't feel happy when my sister and her daughters visit or ask me to go and do something with them. I just feel sad because Janice isn't here and she would be doing a lot of the things my nieces are doing. My oldest niece is 6 and youngest is 3 while Janice would be 4 turning 5 this year. Even with Abby I still struggle to smile and pretend to be interested in my nieces banter and babbling.
Is it wrong? Am I wrong in feeling this way? Will it ever end?
Why does it seem everyone I know gets their happy, perfect families, while my family is forever 1 short? Tonight I had a family dinner with my sister, nieces and grandparents. My nieces weren't eating and all I could think was I never had trouble getting Janice to put food in her mouth. She may have pocketed certain textures but Janice was getting better at eating and was almost off of the tube feedings when she passed.
Last week we received a visit report for Janice from her speech therapist that was post marked November 2012. It was like a knife being twisted in my heart. I just haven't been myself since. I just feel stressed and depressed. Also last month the digital frame that we bought to remember Janice died. Spring just isn't my season.
Wish I could feel better.
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