My Religious Views

I never know what to say when people ask me about religion. I have always believed in God. I pray to him but I have never been a church goer. I tried when I was a preteen but no one would go with me so it didn't last long. I believe in Angels, spirits, life after death and reincarnation.  I tell people I was raised catholic even though we never went to church. I was in Girl Guides and with them I attended some services at OLPH church. I know there are differences between catholic and christian. I was baptised 

My maternal grandmother was catholic so as for growing up I feel that I was raised on the catholic beliefs. My other grandmother says she is christian.

To Be Whole

Some days I cry; Some days I mope; Some days I have a pity party; but most days I just long for my baby girl to come home. People say that you go home when you die, but I want my little Janice to be home in my arms. I would give up everything to have her back. I long to be able to take the pain away from my family. I long to get rid of the pain I feel inside. I long for my heart to be whole again. I know that she is safe and being cared for by the family that has left us before her, but I am the one that is suppose to be caring for her, I am her mother. 

I cry silent tears in the dark to not burden or cause others to cry for our loss but nothing will ever heal my heart or soul. I will one day find a way to mend it but the scars will remain til the day I find my Janice in heaven. I pray for the strength to go on each day. I pray for her to watch over us and help us carry on. Although I don't know how I continue to put one foot in front of the other. 

I don't know how to help myself, let alone help anyone else. I know I will never be able to see her grow up. I am not in denial, but a little denial is nice some days. It is nice to think that she is just at daycare or just with family, but I know she is not and I know I have to be healthy and live in that reality. I just don't want to. I want to live in my dreams where my Janice is still with me and still rolling around and laughing and stealing my pillow. 

All I want is for her to be home in my arms. Is that too much to ask? What did I do to deserve loosing my daughter so young? 

I will continue to get up, and go to work. I will be on indefinite auto-pilot. But I will be around. I just wish I knew how to be whole again. 

Touched By An Angel

I always believed in God. When I was a child I remember reading the "lord's prayer" off of a wall plack someone had given to me. I remember praying to him. I remember watching "Touched By An Angel" with my mom almost religiously and wishing that I could be visited by an angel. 

I had my angel. She arrived in my life with such a bright smile and so much life, her name was Janice and because of her I have to believe in him even more. I have to believe that Janice is being taken care of and loved like she was down here. Which means believing that even if I feel he is cruel for taking her from me that God is there and has his reasons for making me go through this pain. 

The thing that "Touched By An Angel" stressed was that "God loves you" I don't particularly feel that at the moment. But you can't have feelings for someone that doesn't exist, which means that I have to believe in him to be mad at him. I have to believe in him to ask him questions. I have to believe in him to beg him to give me back my baby girl. 

I still find myself asking how someone so loving as God is suppose to be why he is took my little girl from me after such a brief time. He is all forgiving so it can't be anything that I have done, could it. I like to think that I am a good person. I help people when I can. I try to live a good life. I don't go to church but that doesn't make me a bad person. I did everything for Janice. The day Janice was born my life changed and I flew with it. I started to live for the day and for her. Now that she is gone I feel lost. I can't trust the future as it feels like the woods at perpetual dark. I don't know what to live for any more. I find some solace by listening to "Borrowed Angels" and watching  "Touched By An Angel" and "Twice In A Lifetime" all three point to there being a God and that he loves us and when we are done on Earth he will welcome us into his home and care for us there. 

I just hope that Janice is happy. I was "Touched By An Angel" her name was Janice and she will always be my little angel and I know that God had a reason and that I will see her again. I just don't know how to get through the present to continue on.

Everything happens for a reason and God never gives you more than you can handle but he will put you so close you will cry for a reprieve.

RTW hurts

I go back to work tomorrow but it seems just when I feel that I can go back to work the idea of going back to work makes it that much harder. My heart feels broken a new and I long even more fore my daughter to be back in my care. Janice should be here with me not anywhere else. How life can be so cruel. Some people tell me that maybe it is a blessing and that she was taken to prevent suffering later but I just can't believe that. Janice was so happy and loved that she should still be here. I can't say it enough Janice should still be here with mommy. This is so not fair. Life isn't fair when a parent has to say good-bye to a child so young. I don't really know how to go on. I think I am more on an auto pilot then anything else and how long can one live like this on an auto pilot? 

What would it take to bring you back to us, Janice? We would give anything to have you back.