To Be Whole

Some days I cry; Some days I mope; Some days I have a pity party; but most days I just long for my baby girl to come home. People say that you go home when you die, but I want my little Janice to be home in my arms. I would give up everything to have her back. I long to be able to take the pain away from my family. I long to get rid of the pain I feel inside. I long for my heart to be whole again. I know that she is safe and being cared for by the family that has left us before her, but I am the one that is suppose to be caring for her, I am her mother. 

I cry silent tears in the dark to not burden or cause others to cry for our loss but nothing will ever heal my heart or soul. I will one day find a way to mend it but the scars will remain til the day I find my Janice in heaven. I pray for the strength to go on each day. I pray for her to watch over us and help us carry on. Although I don't know how I continue to put one foot in front of the other. 

I don't know how to help myself, let alone help anyone else. I know I will never be able to see her grow up. I am not in denial, but a little denial is nice some days. It is nice to think that she is just at daycare or just with family, but I know she is not and I know I have to be healthy and live in that reality. I just don't want to. I want to live in my dreams where my Janice is still with me and still rolling around and laughing and stealing my pillow. 

All I want is for her to be home in my arms. Is that too much to ask? What did I do to deserve loosing my daughter so young? 

I will continue to get up, and go to work. I will be on indefinite auto-pilot. But I will be around. I just wish I knew how to be whole again.