Tonight I did the hardest thing, the thing I have be putting off; but time is running out. I went through Janice's toys and started getting the baby's room ready. I found myself getting mad and sad at the same time and for the same reason, Janice is not here. She should be here getting excited about becoming a big sister. I am emotionally drained. I know very few of you will understand the conflict of emotion.
I know that the baby will be here in at most 2 months, but that doesn't change the fact that there should be a four year old keeping me busy and driving me crazy. Being pregnant and expecting a new baby doesn't change the fact that I lost Janice nor does it lessen the pain which I am going through. People tell me I should be happy and that I shouldn't get upset for the baby's sake, but what about me? I need to let out my emotions. I need to know that my daughter is missed. I need to let the tears fall in her memory.
Going through all those things that reminded me of different things. The toys she played with. The toys she didn't get a chance to see, let alone play with. I long to have Janice back although I know nothing and no one can bring her back. I am mad because I couldn't save her and sad because I want her back. So many things I wish I could change. So much I wish I didn't have to endure. Life isn't fair.
How I long to hear her voice. How I long to feel her arms around me. How I long to smell her sweet scent again. I miss the small things that everyone takes for granted. I miss my monkey angel Janice and wish she was just in her room playing or sleeping and that I could go in and see her.
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