Understanding or lack there of

I don't understand it. I find myself jealous. Jealous of all the people in the stores and on facebook that get to keep their children. The ones that get to have those cute pictures of the older child tormenting the younger on. The people who don't know what I go through on a daily basis to just get up sometimes. Janice was so sweet and innocent and all she ever seemed to want was to spend time with mommy. But mommy had to work and then one day Janice wasn't there any more and my heart broke. I cry for every moment lost with her, for every Kodak moment that was missed. 

I hate myself for feeling like this and I hate myself for crying at my loss when others are just trying to share their happy moments. 

I have to stop myself from crying when I go shopping and I see something I know Janice would want. I cry when I buy Janice's Christmas present four months early and don't have to worry that she will find it before Christmas. I cry at her empty room that Janice should be sleeping in. I almost cried while driving up the hill to do some late shopping because I know Janice would want to go with me and then fall asleep in the car preventing my shopping trip. I cry when I think of how I would end up postponing the shopping to read to her till she fell asleep and then go and do what I needed to do. I cry at the fact that Janice will never meet her sibling and they never meet her. 

I try to stay happy and upbeat for this little one growing inside but I find some days the grief is still so crippling that I just want to curl up in bed with Grumpy and cry. I try to tell myself there was nothing I could have done as that last month runs through my mind over and over again. I try to tell myself of how hard her life would have been, but no one knows that for sure. Janice sure wasn't going to let anything stop her. 

How will I explain the tears to this little one? How do you smile while telling them about their beautiful angel sister while inside you miss her so much you don't know how you make it through each day? How do you pretend that everything is OK when all you can think about is how you lost your child? How do you go on when everything you do you think what would Janice be doing or what would Janice do?

I am told that someday the tears stop and the sun will shine again on your smiling face. I just can't feel the sun for the rain no matter what I do. Sometimes when I talk about this new life inside me I can see the sun peaking out and sometimes I can feel Janice's arms around me and feel the light that she used to create with her smiles... I miss you so much Janice.