Halloween

This is the first Halloween since Janice's birth that she hasn't been dressed up to go trick or treating, why? Because she isn't here. My little girl had 4 Halloweens of dressing up and trick or treating. I wish she could be out trick or treating now.

I am at work for the second Halloween since Janice's birth. Last year I thought Janice was going as a butterfly with red wings but the antena ended up being a halo. Kevin took her out last year. She even got to have her face painted at daycare. This is technically the second Halloween I missed but this is the first one that I knew she wasn't out there like other kids her age.

Janice's first halloween I didn't actually think of it til the last minute and spur of the moment put her in a "Maria" from "Aristocats" jacket and took her out. I don't remember what she went as in 2010, but I have pictures. 2011 she was a fairy with white wings and a wand. Janice got fasinated by the glow sticks. So in total at least 2 years she had wings.

Janice loved dressing up her Christmas dress was the most memorable. I remember she would be dressed and happy then all of a sudden she would come out with her Christmas dress half on asking for "help". Then she would get "hot" and want it off and so the cycle went. I miss my little girl. I think she would have wanted to be a care "bear" this year. Janice loved those "bears" so much. She had almost all of them waiting for her to open Christmas day but she was just so tired. What did I miss? I had to have missed something. Some indication that something was wrong. Why did I have to loose my little angel? Janice, mommy misses you so much.

So now I am at work till close and missing Janice with tears slipping down my cheeks. Everyone asked me why I didn't dress up today or how I am? No one can understand what each holiday is like for me this year, as maybe two people I know have ever lost a child. Most of my family doesn't even seem to understand. I made the mistake of going on Facebook today and seeing everyone posting their children's halloween pics/costumes. I wish I had one to post. Everyone keeps saying next year but do they realize how hard THIS year is? Maybe I am just being too sensitive but I miss my little girl and there is no bandaid or fix for that. Don't tell me to smile, get over it, or that it will get better unless you have gone through what I have gone through this year.