Baby movements

Today my doctor asked me what I have felt for baby movements and I told him it was hard to describe. Keeping in mind I wasn't able to feel Janice move. Although she made sure her dad knew she was in there.

The first movement was a bubble popping at the top of my belly at about 14 weeks. Since then I have seen my belly do waves (best way I can describe). I have felt isolated burning or bruises inside my belly smaller that my palm. I have felt what feels like baby rolling over in there. Sometimes it feels like a a finger tracing from one side to the other in the inside.

Although according to my measuring tape the same size around as with Janice but doctors are in agreement that I am measuring right on schedule and remind me that second time around you show earlier. Also as I am feeling movement I shouldn't be worried about spina bifida because there doesn't appear to be any additional liquid hiding the movement.

It is a very interesting feeling seeing and feeling movement in your body that you aren't making.

September 2013

With Janice’s birthday come and gone and Christmas coming up, I find myself in a rut. Don’t get me wrong I know a baby is on the way and I can’t wait but that doesn’t change the fact that I miss Janice. I can’t help but wonder what new things she would be doing now. What she would be into? Would she still be in to her “Bears”? Would she be excited about being a big sister? How would she be now?

Janice’s birthday was one of the hardest days so far. I struggled on Mother’s Day but Janice’s birthday was worse. I can’t imagine what Christmas and Boxing Day will be like. I find myself still mentally shopping for Janice. What I would have bought her for her birthday and what would be on her Christmas list.

I can’t believe how fast this year has gone by. I still have days when it feels like just yesterday I was watching her play in that big plastic container and Grandma and Gramps. Janice was so happy and full of life Christmas Eve. I still can’t make sense of how fast that changed. Despite the over one thousand pictures and videos I have of Janice they don’t seem enough. I still find myself asking how a child so full of life and happiness could have left so soon. It might be a little pathetic but I still keep Grumpy at my bedside so that I can grab him and hold him when I miss her and can’t sleep. I still sometimes have to fight the urge to bring him to work or out wherever we are going.

It is going to be a fine line raising this little one to know their big sister Janice without them feeling like they are in her shadow or replacing her. No one can replace Janice and no one is expected to. I am told it will get easier but I think it is just more good days than bad than getting easier. You will always miss them. It is just a difference of their memories bringing tears or smiles. This week it is tears but I know my little angel, Janice is looking down smiling and in her own way trying to tell me that she is ok and happy. I just miss Janice’s voice, her laugh, the sound of her rolling around on her board, holding her and getting hugs, and seeing her beautiful smile. It is the little things you miss. The things that everyone takes for granted the things people complain about.

Janice's 4th Birthday

Today, Janice would be celebrating her 4th Birthday. It is the first birthday since her passing last Christmas, and it is hard. I can't imagine it getting easier. I miss Janice so much. I pray that Janice knows how much I loved her and likes her birthday present. I will never forget her.

Janice's smile, her determination, her inspiring personality. Janice was such an inspiration. I find myself wondering what she would be doing now; what new things she would have learned; how excited she would be about becoming a big sister. Wondering what Bear she would want to/ be willing to give her little sibling. So many things that I wish she would get to experience. I can't go shopping without seeing things I know she would have liked and/or wanted.

The Unasked Question

It has been 8 months and 2 days and her birthday is just over 2 weeks away. I know that but I know that I still miss her; my heart and soul still long for my daughter; Janice was my world she meant everything to me and she was ripped from my arms without warning. 

I know people still look at me with a question burning in their mind. I know that I have gone back to work and that I put up the front that everything is OK, but truth is I still look into her room every time I pass it to check on her, at night I look in with part of me expecting to see her sleeping on her bed surrounded by her bears. I still cry in the shower where the water can was away my tears because I can't hear her asking "done?"

Most days I strain to hear her calling me or asking "hand?" or "help" and I just want to curl in a ball and cry. Sometimes I hear a child's voice and I look hoping to see Janice, I know she is gone but your heart still wants to believe. What is life without hope? I hate it that people tell me it will get easier or that time heals. Not many people can understand my loss and I pray even fewer have to experience it. The crushing pain of loosing your child and knowing there was nothing you could have done. I have come to these realizations but they don't take away the pain, they don't make the longing any less.

I know my little girl is in heaven. I know that life will continue with or without me. I know that there was a reason for her life and I pray someday I will know the reason I lost her so young. I am getting better, I am healing. The scars will last a lifetime, and the tears will never be completely dry. I will find a balanced way for Janice's siblings to know their angelic big sister. And someday I will be with my little angel again. 

So don't worry about me for even though I will have good days and bad days I know Janice is with me sharing her strength and determination. Someday I will get through this rain storm and I will find a rainbow at the other end.

Janice wait for mommy at Journey's End, as mommy forever looks to the heavens to see you again. Know you were loved and will forever be in our hearts and missed. Janice you were an inspiration to so many and would have done so much more if given the time. 

Forever loved, missed and cared for, Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story.

Changes

I am happy to be expanding our family again, I just wish that Janice was here to share in it with us. Janice would have been so excited and happy. I just don't know how to keep her with me without her overshadowing her sibling. I wish that they could have the relationship that I know they would have had had Janice not passed so suddenly. I just feel so lost without my baby girl. 

I worry that there could be complications with this baby too. I don't know if I could survive loosing another child, not that I think I will. There are just so many variables and I don't know.

Yesterday, I saw my doctor and he was happy with how things are going. I got to hear the baby's heart beat. I still find some days easier than others. This new life inside me gives me hope for the future while i still struggle with the devastating loss. I know Janice would be thrilled at the prospect of being a big sister and would have done a marvelous job at it too.

Grieving and Guilt

I try to make myself believe that Janice's passing was not my fault. I try to tell myself that there was nothing I could do to change it. But the truth is I blame myself. I blame myself for not being able to do the one thing women are suppose to be able to do, the one thing that we are built for and that is to carry a child to term healthy and able. I blame myself for not noticing something was wrong with her in the days leading up to her passing. I try to believe that even if she had been at the hospital that they still wouldn't have been able to save her but part of me keeps saying that there is a chance she would have survived. 

I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed Janice. I failed in how I carried her during the pregnancy and I failed her when I wasn't there when she passed. I failed Janice by not knowing something was wrong. 

I don\t know how to shake these feelings. I don't know why I can't believe the logical side in this. I even tried telling myself that Janice's passing had nothing to do with me, that it was just her time. That she had done what she needed to in that short 3 years. That although she wasn't in pain her passing was to save her from the trials and difficulties that would have come later in life. But nothing helps I still miss my little angel. I still want my little girl back in my arms.

At night I keep wanting to go into her room and check on her. Then reality hits again and I remember she isn't there and will never be there again. I know she is always with me but that doesn't help. I will never see her grow up, I will never get to see her at her first day of school or her graduation. There are so many things I prepared myself not to have with her and yet with her passing the number is astronomical. 

When she was born I comforted myself by saying "everything happens for a reason" and "God never gives you more than you can handle" but I just don't understand why I had to go through this. I don't know how I am surviving. 

Janice was such a happy little girl, you never would have known that she couldn't do something because she was so independent and determined. Janice was my little Can Do girl, and mommy will forever miss you sweetie.

Kids VS Babies

I find it so frustrating that when I go looking for supports and articles on the web everything is about loosing a baby or miscarrying. None of them have to do to with losing a child. They all talk about SIDS but, nothing about loosing a child that you've had time to grow and know and see their personality.

Janice wasn't just a baby or an embryo. Janice was a smart and sweet, loving little girl who loved Max, Bears, Balloons, Mike, Caillou, Curious George, Bernstein bears, and babies. She had a contagious personality that lit up a room, her cute laugh, and beautiful smile. My little blonde, blue eyed Asian was so much more that a baby, She was a bright little girl.

I feel so alone.There are so few people that will ever know what I have gone through these past 7 months. I would never wish it on my worst enemy. I don't know how I survived. I still have days when I don't want to get up or do anything. I still sometimes find myself thinking Janice is just at daycare or at Popo's, then it all comes back to me and I feel like crumbling to the floor in tears. 

I wish I could have Janice back in my arms, hear her voice calling me. Listen to her try to do her alphabet that her dad was teaching her. Janice was so intelligent and innocent. She was independent and so Janice. Janice was going to do everything her way or not at all. Janice was as a friend said like Harmony Bear, Janice sang her own song to her own tune in her own time. 

Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story will forever be missed and loved.

Things not to touch - Janice style

I was just thought of something that just proved how smart Janice was. There were always things that children aren't suppose to touch. Janice learned very early that things like lighters were not for her to touch. When something like that was in her way or around her she would call to Kevin or I whoever was near and hand it to us. It was so cute and I always had to smile. 

When she was playing on the coffee table and Janice would hand everything on the table to us one at a time. It was so cute and funny. Janice was smart that way and always made me smile. 

Janice was alot like Cheer Bear she always lit up a room and made people smile. No matter how bad your day was Janice could make you smile. Like the old man in Sears, I think I have told this one before but here goes. My parents, Janice and I were going through Sears and Janice was on her board happily flying down the isle. There was an elderly man with a cane coming towards us looking grumpy as can be and hunched over a bit, Janice went whizzing by him and he does a double take and smiles, straightens up and continues on his way. 

Janice was a star that lit everywhere she went like the angel she was. I miss her so very very much.

Bedtime Stories

I was having a good day. We walked to the blue bridge and back, I found out that Mac's has Crystal lite slurpees, and I was feeling good. 

Then a commercial for Mother's day came on about mother's teaching their children how to read and it made me think of all the nights I read to Janice. Janice loved being read too. I remember that we normally ended up reading three or more Berenstain Bear books. Some nights I read to her until she fell asleep cuddled up against me, squishing me against the wall. I think she just liked the fact that mommy was with her. She would have been reading mommy books in no time at all. 

Janice loved books. Even at under a year she was flipping through books. Janice only damaged two books and one of those was already falling apart to begin with. 

I miss those nights curled up on Janice's bed with her reading book after book. Another missed picture I wish we had.:,(

Memories

Popo was telling me the other day that Janice loved the trampoline. She recounted a day when they went to pick her up from daycare and she was happily bouncing on the trampoline in the gym.

Kevin mentioned Janice would have loved the water slides as she loved slides and water.

Goong Goong was saying how Janice loved her bath until Popo reminded her about "Caiou" then you couldn't get her out fast enough. Janice knew after bath and "Caiou" it was time for bed.

I often wonder what Janice would be doing now, had she not passed away.

Daycare told me she loved the water park and never wanted to leave. Janice loved slides and swimming and bears. I wish I could capture everything so I would never be able to forget any of Janice's life.