Four months

It has been four months since I held her; four months since I heard her voice; four months since I saw her smile; and yet my heart breaks anew as if it were just tonight I lost her. My sweet Janice; my baby girl; my daughter. 

I still keep asking "WHY?" I want to scream to the heavens asking "WHY" What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? This never ending torment, the pain of know she will never grow up; I will never see her physically again; the constant reminders of what I don't get to have. 

Almost everyone I know is having children some on their second or third and I had to say good-bye to mine after only 3 years. How is that fair? How is it that everyone else gets to have healthy children? I loved Janice with all my being despite all her medical concerns. I did everything I could to give her a good and happy life and yet I lost her. 

When she was conceived people told me maybe it was a sign. When she was born they told me how lucky I was... Who is the lucky one now? Janice was such a good little girl with so much love and light and spirit. She made everyone smile. She lit up the room. I remember going to the mall with my parents and Janice was on her board racing down the isle and there was a grumpy old man walking towards us. Janice whizzed past him and he froze and then looked after her and smiled. He straightened up as if she had just made his day. Janice did that to everyone she met. 

We had her celebration of life but I don't think I will ever be able to say good-bye to her. She was everything to me and without her my life feels so empty and lost. They say time heals all wounds but I feel that it will never heal the hole in my heart and soul from loosing Janice. 

Janice started out looking like me then about six months later she was all daddy. She was stubborn and determined which would have taken her far. She loved the water and being outside like I did. She liked a lot of the things Kevin does like pizza and cheese whiz. She could never get enough toast. And she loved her Care Bears. I hope you like your collection sweetie, even if you didn't get a chance to play with them all. 

Four months and I still can't stop crying....Janice you are loved and missed more than I think anyone could ever know.
I remember the night her first tooth broke, it was the only night she ever kept me up. I wasn't impressed but I would give up sleep just to have her back in my arms.