Tanya's Mind

I believe in God and Heaven. I don't go to church but sometimes I find comfort in talking to pastors and priests. I say I was raised Catholic but I was baptized Christian when I was an adult. I like to believe in magic, both good and bad. I find my life draws me to shows like "Touched By an Angel", "Twice In a Lifetime" and "Charmed". All shows that tell that there is a reason for everything. The later I know people would argue with me but they do say in "Charmed" "everything happens for a reason"; whether it is due to a single god or multiple, whether we choose it or fight it. I don't pretend to understand the reasons but I find I have to believe there is a reason just to keep my sanity. 

I wish there was a way I could bring back my baby girl and yet I know that I can't. The fact that I wasn't there with her, torments me. 

I have always been fascinated with names:
Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story
Origin: Hebrew;  Meaning: Form of JANE. god is gracious
Origin: Persian;  Meaning: child of light; Greek - Pearl
Origin: Latin;  Meaning: One's fate; English - Destiny, fate
Origin: Hebrew;  Meaning: Form of ANNA - gracious, favour
Story Meaning:  descendant of little Store or Stori (strong, powerful)

Once I looked up my name Tanya Elisabeth Yoshy(Yoshie)
Tanya - Russian: fairy queen
Elisabeth - Blessed by God
Yoshie - Respectful
It made me think that I could be an Angel. I was foolish and childish.

If I was an Angel then I wouldn't have had to loose my child. I at least was able to give Janice a name that suited her and I didn't even know what it meant the day I put it on her birth certificate. She was a  gracious gift from god and a child of light, her life was destined and she was strong in spirit and will and her powerful intellect. Janice was the best of me.  

I cry in the dark and when I am alone. I put on the strong face and pretend that I am doing better but my heart and soul still weep for my little Angel, Janice.

I never planned on having an only child. When Janice surprised us with her arrival I knew in my heart she would never be my only child, even with her suitcase. She was mommy's helper and I know she would have made a wonderful big sister. But how do you tell a child that they had a big sister but they can't ever meet them?