This weekend I have not been able to keep the tears from my eyes. I keep thinking of my little girl; I miss Janice so much it hurts. I know I can't have her back as much as I want to be able to hold her again. I know I can't join her without leaving the people I care about hurting the way I am now. Yet I don't know how to fill the hole inside. I don't know how to stop the tears.
Janice was so special to me and she was the best of me. She was happy and free and playful, determined. Janice was beautiful and had her whole life ahead of her.
Why did he take her from me? What did I do wrong? Why do I have to go through this? So many questions with no answers. So much pain with no relief.
People have tried to tell me to move or to box Janice's stuff up; but it wouldn't help. Doing those things now would feel like I was trying to forget her. I could never forget Janice. I don't know how I am expected to go on after having such a precious little angel in my life and then loosing her with no rhyme or reason.
I wish that I had been able to video tape her whole life so I would never be able to forget a second. I would give anything to hear her board in the hallway and hear her calling "mom" as she raced toward me. Watch her climb on to my bed to steal my pillow and ask for "bears". I think that is my favorite memory is Janice waking me up to watch bears or coming home and her wanting me to watch bears with her. Janice had started to get into horses near the end, just like her namesake. I would be laying on the bed watching bears with her and Janice would climb on my back and ask "horse?" I would be expected to buck like a horse and she would laugh until I stopped or she fell on to the bed, then she would say "gen" her way of saying "again" but she had shortened it. Janice's vocabulary was getting so big. Kevin had her doing her alphabet, another thing I wish we had recorded.
So many things that I wish we could have on tape or video to watch, a way of keeping her around. Be able to hear her voice and see her smile and her brilliant personality. I miss her more than life itself and there is nothing I can do.
Yolanda asked me the other day if I wanted to go with her and my nieces to Beauty and the Beast on the 30th and all I could think was how much Janice would have loved to go and I started crying. So many things Janice should have been able to do and never will get the chance to do.
I grieved the things I knew she wouldn't be able to do when she was born, things like walking and skating, most sports; but she figured out how to get around on her board and how to climb the stairs and I started seeing that Janice wasn't going to let anything stop her. Janice was going to be as independent as she could be. I wanted her to know that just because of her legs that didn't mean she wasn't able to do everything she wanted to do. Then that horrible day when I let the thought of loosing her cross my mind for a second before I pushed it away and then it happened. The day I held her still from and my heart broke knowing that my baby was gone and now I can't stop seeing all the things that she will miss, all the things that Janice should be here for and able to do.
The tears seem endless and I feel alone, even though I know I am not alone. I feel alone because for three years she was always here, for three years Janice was waiting for mommy to come home and I could always feel the love when I opened the door and she would come racing to welcome me home and now there is silence. I will never hear her calling me again. I will never feel her arms around me or have her ask me "gen" or see her beautiful smile.
I loved Janice more than life and I miss her so much. I hope are happy and free wherever you are my little angel and Wish you were here with us sweetheart. May your wings take you where your board couldn't.
We love you ♥
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