The Mask I Wear

I am finding it harder and harder to get up each morning and put on the mask that everything is good in the world. The world is not perfect! I lost my child 11 months ago and I still don't understand why. I post censored status' on Facebook and Twitter because I am sensitive to what others may or may not feel reading them. I attempt to go to family functions and smile and make like we are not missing someone but someone will always be missing, even if no one else seems to care or notice that we are one short. 

Another baby is on the way but that doesn't change my feelings or my grief. Another baby doesn't change the fact that I lost a child. I am not a robot and I have feelings. When I ask for support it is because I need it when I ask for it, not the next day or a week later. 

I wear a mask with a smile,
That says everything is OK.
I wear a mask with a laugh,
To hide my pain.
I wear a mask with no eyes,
To protect my soul.
I wear a mask with no tears,
To conceal my moist eyes.
I do all this to protect you,
So I don't hurt you,
So I don't make you feel uncomfortable,
I wear a mask. 
No one notices.
No one cares. 
The person you once knew is gone, 
Buried with Janice. 
I am a new person.
One jaded with grief and loss,
One that you will never know fully. 
I am the one behind the masks,
The one that protects the real me,
From the cruelty of the world,
From the ignorance of the people.
From the insensitivity of those in the sunlight.
I wear a mask to make YOU comfortable.

November 26th Ultrasound

I felt Janice with me. Got to wait for official report from my gyno tomorrow but the tech seemed happy. Baby's heart rate was in the 120's. Head down and legs up doing a headstand. Tech said he thinks he got the shot for gender, at the beginning the baby literally had the legs crossed but by the end... here is hoping tomorrow I can post gender. 

Hearing the baby's heartbeat always makes me feel better and helps me relax.

Today, Nov. 27th, Dr. Adams confirmed growth, fluids, and doppler (aka heart rate) are all good. We are looking good for what I am thinking vaginal delivery. We are looking at around 34-38 weeks gestation for delivery. Still feeling baby move mostly in the pelvis but movement non the less and with everything looking good I am starting to relax.

I am allowed

I am allowed to be sad;
I am allowed to cry;
I am allowed to miss my daughter;
I am allowed to grieve;
I am allowed to want my daughter back;
I am allowed to have emotions;
I am allowed to show said emotions;
I am allowed to dream;
I am allowed to think about Janice;
I am allowed to talk about her with out feeling guilty because it makes others feel uncomfortable;
I am allowed to be angry because she is no longer with us;
I am allowed to be sad because I miss her;
I am allowed to be emotional because of what I have endured this past year.

I am a human being with emotions and a heart;
I am a mother;
I am a daughter;
I am a person trying to live after a tragedy;
I lived through the trauma of loosing a child;
I live with the reality that my child will never come home again;

Memories - will be updating

Tonight after getting out of the shower I was reminded of a post a friend made on facebook about how difficult it gets to clean the bath tub which reminded me of one night Janice spent her bath taking a face cloth to the tub. It was so cute and she was so proud of herself.

I used to take her to build a bear when we went to BC Children's hospital and she built a butterfly which she preferred to wear the wings herself lol. On one of these trips we left with a make up kit and a medical kit for her "bug" as I called it and that visit to the Hospital she spent using the medical kit on herself and mommy in between all the tests and appointments.  - I let her paternal Grandma have the bug as I wanted everyone that wanted something of Janice's to have something

Janice's first chair was a loner chair that arrived February-ish 2012. She fell in love with that chair even though we only had it for about 48 hours. She fell asleep in it. Most of the 48 hours she spent in it. When it came time to return it I remember she was exhausted and ready for a nap and as I carried her out of the Child Development Center she kept asking "chair? chair?" I rubbed her back and told her that they were going to "fix" her chair and maybe make it pink and she calmed and put her head on my shoulder. Janice wasn't quite the fan of her second chair which was red, closer to pink than the blue that her first one was. I think it was also harder for her to make go. Janice also took a few tumbles out of it as they forgot to give us the straps but Janice was still intrigued by it and even put her toys on it while she was on her board in the apartment. There is one picture where she has it decorated in toys and her "mitts" I miss Janice so much.

Janice never liked being covered up, unless she was the one doing it. Whether it was herself or her dolls or toys. Janice would use anything blanket like to cover up her dolls and toys from towels, blankets, sheets, facecloths, and clothes. 

Janice once she was home used to wipe her forehead like she was wiping away sweat and say "hot, hot," and start trying to take off her clothes. Janice didn't like anything in clothes, her dolls all got stripped almost as soon as she got them. She was so independent and determined. Janice always knew what she wanted and asked for it. The only thing I don't think she said "hot" and tried to strip out of was her Christmas dress. The dress that she was laid to rest in.

I remember how smart my little girl, Janice was. She learned her body parts pretty quickly. Janice learned how to do the stairs in 1 day. Janice took to her board so fast it was so surprising. I remember one night I was playing with her pretending I didn't know where her feeding-tube went and she rolled over and pulled up her shirt and pointed; another night she put it in her mouth and sucked some milk from the tube. Janice was quiet but ever so smart. I am sure she would have driven us crazy by now with all the stuff she would've picked up this past year.

Weekly ultrasounds

So for those that are curious the weekly ultrasounds are being done do to decreased maternal serums. From a report from the Genetic team in Vancouver it states that the uE3 and PAPP-A serums were both low and both have different possible complications.

The decreased uE3 can be related to placental dysfunction, fetal chromosome anomalies, or a normal pregnancy.
The decreased PAPP-A is associated with an increased risk of intrauterine growth restriction, prematurity, pre-eclampsia, and fetal death due to placental dysfunction.
If any abnormalities are detected, due to my previous test showing decreased maternal serum levels it would put me at a higher risk of intrauterine fetal demise.

I am trying to stay positive despite everything but unless you have been through losing a child and then going through a subsequent pregnancy please don't comment or attempt to "comfort" me.
Baby is very active which is good. I am tired to the point where I take daily naps that last about 3-5 hours that started about 4 days ago. I don't know if what I am feeling is anywhere close to normal or if I am just plain being paranoid. Then again how is any of what I am going through normal? Is losing a child normal? I have always hated that word "normal", what is the definition of normal?
Who decides what is normal? Or is it just majority rules?

NORMAL - adjective; 
1.     conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

2.

serving to establish a standard.

Tuesday November 26

I am not sure how I feel about Tuesday. Let me tell you why, firstly Tuesday November 26th marks 11 months since we lost Janice; secondly it will be my first of my weekly ultrasounds for baby and it is scheduled within an hour of Janice's time of death. 

I have the feeling that this a sign of something I just don't know what it is. Part of me feels it is Janice telling me she is at peace, happy, and with her sibling and I and that Janice is looking out for her sibling. I don't know if I can go to this appointment by myself. This is going to be a very strong emotional day for me. 

Janice is with me and I believe that but that doesn't make these days easier. It doesn't make the fall and winter pass any easier. Between all the birthdays, Thanks Giving, Halloween, Christmas, and the anniversary of Janice's passing is almost too much to bear. The fact that most of my family don't seem to understand how hard it is for me or the fact that having another baby doesn't take away the pain or hurt that I am going through over Janice and that the pain and hurt will never go away. At least that is how it seems from my side of looking glass. 

I wish I had someway to validate that Janice is still with me and that she is happy and at peace with where she is and with what is happening in our lives. May Janice help keep her sibling safe.

Late night questions

Why did I have to loose my little girl? What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve having to loose my little girl, Janice? I loved her. I cared for her. I would have done anything for her. She was so full of life, I don't understand. I wish I did. I wish that I could hold her and hug her and tell her how much I love her again.

 It feels like she is fading into my memory. It is hard to hear Janice's voice. I can see her smile and even her laugh in the pictures. But they like Grumpy are just substitutes and poor substitutes at that. Nothing and no one can nor could they ever replace my little angel monkey. Janice was so determined and independent, she wouldn't have let anything stop her. Janice was such a bright soul to anyone she met and now she is gone. It has been almost 11 months and again I sit hear crying over a keyboard, pouring my thoughts out onto a digital piece of paper and wondering if anyone will remember Janice in a few years.

 I know I will but the rest of the world moved on so fast after her passing that I wonder if anyone outside of her family will remember Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story's short, beautiful, amazing little life and how much she meant to us.

 With each passing day, each holiday, each event that occurs I cry another tear knowing it has been that much longer since I was forced to say good-bye to Janice and my heart breaks all over again.

 I know few can even fathom what I am going through let alone understanding the pain I feel on a daily basis. I get to watch all my friends and family having their happy perfect families and mine will forever be one short. I don't know if it is the truth that hurts more or the fact that no one not even family seems to understand how hard this is for me. That Christmas is no longer about Santa and presents and family but the last memories that we were able to make with Janice. 

 Sometimes I swear I can still hear her voice but when I go looking there is no one there. There will never be someone there. Everyone posts that they wish their children could stay children forever and all I want is to have my Janice back and to watch her grow up and see all the amazing things that she would be doing. I loved Janice. I wish I had spent more time with Janice. I wish I had more time with Janice. Even if I had just one more day with Janice to make sure she knew... that she knows how much I love her and miss her and what a difference she made in not only my life but those around her. Even if no one else remembers Janice her mommy and daddy will and she will forever be in our hearts, our memories and the story of her life engraved in our hearts. 

 Why?? Why did I have to loose my little girl? What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve having to loose my little girl, Janice? I loved her. I cared for her. I would have done anything for her. She was so full of life, I don't understand. I wish I did. I wish that I could hold her and hug her and tell her how much I love her again. Parents shouldn't outlive their children.

Reminding

There are days when all you want to do is cry. There are days that you wonder what life is really for. The tears seem endless and the road long, the world breaks your heart and continues to spin; just remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is always hope, no matter how long the night the dawn will come and there is a rainbow at the end of the storm.

I find that even after 10 months and 20 days I still have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason and God never gives us more than we can handle. Loosing Janice was devastating, I literally felt my heart break when I walked into the ER and saw Kevin holding her with tears fresh on his cheeks and he told me she was gone. That day I don’t think I will ever forget. I like to think that there was a reason for her leaving so soon and so suddenly but I don’t know what it is or if I will ever understand. Tears still stain my pillow some nights, Grumpy Bear is never far from my bed and if I go out of town he is always on the list.

I don’t know why I had to go through the tragedy of loosing Janice and then to have to hear that a friend of mine has a stillborn. I know that it is said “better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” but sometimes it is hard to see and no matter what doesn’t make the pain any easier. Others say that you can’t appreciate the good without the bad, you don’t know happiness unless you have known grief, but no matter how you say it nothing can take the scars away. Nothing can take the pain away. I know someone who lost a infant almost 40 years ago and still in the summer she still feels it and when she heard about Janice it sent her back all those years.

Don’t tell someone you understand unless you have walked in their shoes. Don’t tell someone it will get better without knowing and truly understanding what they are going through. Love lasts forever and sadly so does the grief of loosing a child.

There are days when all you want to do is cry. There are days that you wonder what life is really for. The tears seem endless and the road long, the world breaks your heart and continues to spin; just remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is always hope, no matter how long the night the dawn will come and there is a rainbow at the end of the storm.

I find that even after 10 months and 20 days I still have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason and God never gives us more than we can handle. Loosing Janice was devastating, I literally felt my heart break when I walked into the ER and saw Kevin holding her with tears fresh on his cheeks and he told me she was gone. That day I don’t think I will ever forget. I like to think that there was a reason for her leaving so soon and so suddenly but I don’t know what it is or if I will ever understand. Tears still stain my pillow some nights, Grumpy Bear is never far from my bed and if I go out of town he is always on the list.

I don’t know why I had to go through the tragedy of loosing Janice and then to have to hear that a friend of mine has a stillborn. I know that it is said “better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” but sometimes it is hard to see and no matter what doesn’t make the pain any easier. Others say that you can’t appreciate the good without the bad, you don’t know happiness unless you have known grief, but no matter how you say it nothing can take the scars away. Nothing can take the pain away. I know someone who lost a infant almost 40 years ago and still in the summer she still feels it and when she heard about Janice it sent her back all those years.

Don’t tell someone you understand unless you have walked in their shoes. Don’t tell someone it will get better without knowing and truly understanding what they are going through. Love lasts forever and sadly so does the grief of loosing a child.

DON'T

Don't pretend to know what I am going through;
Don't pretend to know what it is like;
Don't tell me you understand;
When it is not your life.

Don't tell me you understand;
Don't tell me to dry my tears;
Don't tell me "next year";
Cause you don't know my fears.

You don't know what I go through;
You don't know how I hide the tears or the fears;
You don't know how my life has changed;
You don't know how long my nights have been.

You don't know why I cry;
You don't know the longing in my heart;
You don't know what it is like to loose a piece of your heart;
You don't know how many tears I've cried.

You don't know how it hurts;
Or how I force the smile,
When all the tears just want to fall.
The jealousy I feel watching on your wall.

Don't tell me to be patient;
Don't tell me not to cry;
Don't tell me what is good for me;
When I am still in Hell.

Yes, a baby is on it's way;
Yes, the sun will rise again;
Yes, there is a rainbow after the storm;
Yes, life does go on.

No, my child is not coming home;
No, my child will never grow up;
They will never know their siblings or their siblings know them,
Not the way I know mine and you know yours.

So don't tell me to dry my eyes;
Don't tell me these late nights are practice; 
Cause you don't know my puffy eyes;
You don't know my pain.

I will force the smile;
I will give joy to this new bundle
I will continue in a life that I know is not the same;
I will find peace after war,
And heal my broken heart.

She will not be forgotten;
She will never be alone;
She will live forever in my heart
She will always be my Angel, Janice.
Always in my heart.


In memory of Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story
My Angel in Heaven and forever a part of me.

Items left behind

I am finding myself filling with excitement of the new life growing inside me and yet as I continue the drawn out process of unpacking I continually finding things that I bought for Janice. Things that she will never get the use and in some cases see.

I don't understand how people get through this, how are people expected to go through and eventually give away the things that solidify their child was here. Janice left us 10 and a half months ago and apart from moving location her clothes are still in her dresser. The toys got placed in containers but are all still here. I dread going through them even with the impending birth of a new baby. I know I have to go through them before Janice's sibling arrives as some of the toys have small parts and are hazardous to infants but I find that it is the last piece the final thing to solidify that my baby girl isn't here any more. Yet her bubbles, her play-dough, her "bears", her crafts from school, her paints, still all exist and now are the only things that physically remain as reminders to the three years that my little girl was here.

I know Janice was more than possessions. She was my beautiful little angel; she was the light; Janice was so much more than anything of this world and she was taken from me... from us too soon. 

When Janice passed I found comfort as well as tears in watching shows such as "Touched By An Angel" and  "Twice In A Lifetime". Shows that are meant to remind us that God loves us and that we are never alone. I pray that my Angel Janice is happy and safe in Heaven with those that passed before her and that she knows how much she is loved and missed.

Staying Positive

I find this pregnancy difficult, for what I consider understandable reasons; Everyone however tells me to stay positive or next year. People need to understand that staying positive about this pregnancy that is full of worry and uncertainty is very hard. None of my friends can understand  what I am going through because none of you went through giving birth to a special needs child, to love and get to know that child for three years only to have to bury them. None of you know the fear and emotions that come with getting pregnant again after that  whether you planned the pregnancy or not. The fear that it will happen again, the emotions of remembering going through these same things with a child that isn't here any more. 

No one can understand the change in meaning that Christmas now brings. It isn't one of wonder and magic and childhood memories, for me Christmas is now a reminder of the last days I got with Janice and of that horrible phone call. I pray that none of you have to go through what I have and am going through. 

I find holidays the worst and October and December are so close and Christmas seems to start in November It is the worst time of the year. Working in retail where you see families daily doesn't help.  I find myself jealous and angry; jealous that I can't have what they have and angry because Janice was taken from me. There are still days where all I can do is stare at the till to keep myself from breaking down and other times when I can't even do that. 

I know Janice would want me to be happy and I know she would be ecstatic about becoming a big sister. I just find it hard because I keep thinking of what Janice would be doing and all the things she would want to "help" with.

I have gotten feedback at work that I make people feel uncomfortable by telling them about Janice. But again these people complaining whether it is the customers or co-workers haven't gone through what I have and by telling people before they ask works as a barrier of sorts.If I tell them I don't have to worry or deal with them asking "how is Janice?" which is harder to deal with and tends to result in me fighting back tears because I can't cry at work. But very few seem to understand or comprehend what I go through on a daily basis.

Writing feels like my only outlet as I don't like burdening others with my grief, worries, concerns, and emotional state. Christmas this year I think will be me keeping to myself in the apartment and if my family can't understand that then that is there problem. 

So don't tell me you understand cause unless you have gone through what I have you have no idea of what I am going through. The emotional conflicts that happen between the grief I still feel for Janice and the excitement of this new baby. I can't even imagine the emotions I will experience on the anniversary or on the day I give birth to this new little one.

This post may seem a little broken but this is how I feel and how my thoughts came out. Leaving it at that.

Emotions

This move has been emotionally draining on me. I can’t stop thinking about Janice and what she should be doing, even thinking about baby seems to bring on the worries and what ifs. How am I suppose to make it though this? I still have two weeks left of work, which they are keeping my hours up  but I am just so drained and low I just want to curl up and cry. No one understands. I feel so alone. I am doing all I can to hold myself together and still barely holding on. I miss Janice so much and I feel so lost without her. The impending anniversary is like knowing that the end is near and there is nothing you can do to avoid it.

This time of year is heart breaking between Halloween and Christmas. Everyone taking pictures and posting pictures of their kids in costume or with Santa. The stores filled with families. Everyone tells me wait till next year, next year doesn’t help with this year. I feel like screaming but instead I end up crying. I am at work and barely functioning. I can’t afford to go home. I feel broken.

So many people say I am strong but I am barely hanging on. This pregnancy has me happy and sad and everything in-between all together. I feel so strung out and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so helpless and scared that I will have to go through it all over again. I pray that Janice is looking out for her sibling.