I try to make myself believe that Janice's passing was not my fault. I try to tell myself that there was nothing I could do to change it. But the truth is I blame myself. I blame myself for not being able to do the one thing women are suppose to be able to do, the one thing that we are built for and that is to carry a child to term healthy and able. I blame myself for not noticing something was wrong with her in the days leading up to her passing. I try to believe that even if she had been at the hospital that they still wouldn't have been able to save her but part of me keeps saying that there is a chance she would have survived.
I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed Janice. I failed in how I carried her during the pregnancy and I failed her when I wasn't there when she passed. I failed Janice by not knowing something was wrong.
I don\t know how to shake these feelings. I don't know why I can't believe the logical side in this. I even tried telling myself that Janice's passing had nothing to do with me, that it was just her time. That she had done what she needed to in that short 3 years. That although she wasn't in pain her passing was to save her from the trials and difficulties that would have come later in life. But nothing helps I still miss my little angel. I still want my little girl back in my arms.
At night I keep wanting to go into her room and check on her. Then reality hits again and I remember she isn't there and will never be there again. I know she is always with me but that doesn't help. I will never see her grow up, I will never get to see her at her first day of school or her graduation. There are so many things I prepared myself not to have with her and yet with her passing the number is astronomical.
When she was born I comforted myself by saying "everything happens for a reason" and "God never gives you more than you can handle" but I just don't understand why I had to go through this. I don't know how I am surviving.
Janice was such a happy little girl, you never would have known that she couldn't do something because she was so independent and determined. Janice was my little Can Do girl, and mommy will forever miss you sweetie.
