Time Goes By

One year and three months ago I list my little girl. Janice would be four years six months eleven days today but instead she is gone to heaven, leaving me to sit quietly holding her baby sister Abbygail as I reflect on what she should be doing.

Janice should be cooing over her sister and bugging me to let her help. This fall Janice would be starting kindergarten. So many things Janice will never get to do or see or experience.

Everything I do to keep her memory alive seems so insignificant. I know friends and family will remember Janice but few if any will remember her from her generation, from daycare, or anywhere else.

Janice deserved so much more.
Abbygail deserved the chance to know her sister.
There are so many things I wanted Janice to have the chance to do and see. Janice had such a light inside her, she was filled with determination and life. Janice could have been mistaken for an angel on earth...who am I kidding she WAS an angel on earth. Janice inspired and brought light to so many. I find it hard to believe that she was done on earth, there is so much more, so many more people's lives to touch.
A light put out too soon, Janice my lil angel.

Reminders and Memories

I am finding that so many things remind me of Janice. Whether it be people talking about their children doing things that Janice should be doing or watching Abbygail do things for the first time or just thinking of what/where Janice should be now in her social and arts & craft stages. I remember how Janice's pronunciation of "snow" came out more like "nose"; how proud Janice looked as she copied Daddy saying her alphabet. 

Janice would be regularly bringing home art projects from school and would be looking forward to Kindergarten this fall. She would be more engaging and talking more. I can sometimes hear her saying "baby? baby!" when I am holding Abby. I wish I could see how much Janice would have grown in both mind and body in the past year, she was such a smart little girl.

Abbygail is showing that she doesn't just look like her sister but she is quite quick as Janice as well. At just over a month old Abby is rolling on to her side and even trying to hold her bottle on her own. Abby sleeps about 5-6 hour stretches at night. She is still eating almost all EBM but I think she is getting close to eating more than supply. 

I haven't really posted on my blog in awhile because I am trying to keep it positive but I still struggle some days with my grief and those I keep in my private/personal journal. The tears aren't as frequent but I still miss Janice and I always will, I don't know how many of those reading this will actually understand what I mean. Then there is the stupid government that stopped paying me at the beginning of February to re-evaluate my claim as it is no longer medical but maternity. Frustration is setting in as I need that money. They say they should have a decision as of March 10th but that doesn't help me today. Stress and grief can really take their toll especially when you are also dealing with physical pain, my back is feeling better but my right rib is still painful. Most likely muscle pain but have an ultrasound on the 4th to rule out gallbladder.