Welcome

Welcome to my blog which is about my family and I and how we deal with what life throws at us, which includes my daughter and her disabilities related to her spina bifida and her death on December 26 2012.

Thursday 31 October 2013

Halloween

This is the first Halloween since Janice's birth that she hasn't been dressed up to go trick or treating, why? Because she isn't here. My little girl had 4 Halloweens of dressing up and trick or treating. I wish she could be out trick or treating now.

I am at work for the second Halloween since Janice's birth. Last year I thought Janice was going as a butterfly with red wings but the antena ended up being a halo. Kevin took her out last year. She even got to have her face painted at daycare. This is technically the second Halloween I missed but this is the first one that I knew she wasn't out there like other kids her age.

Janice's first halloween I didn't actually think of it til the last minute and spur of the moment put her in a "Maria" from "Aristocats" jacket and took her out. I don't remember what she went as in 2010, but I have pictures. 2011 she was a fairy with white wings and a wand. Janice got fasinated by the glow sticks. So in total at least 2 years she had wings.

Janice loved dressing up her Christmas dress was the most memorable. I remember she would be dressed and happy then all of a sudden she would come out with her Christmas dress half on asking for "help". Then she would get "hot" and want it off and so the cycle went. I miss my little girl. I think she would have wanted to be a care "bear" this year. Janice loved those "bears" so much. She had almost all of them waiting for her to open Christmas day but she was just so tired. What did I miss? I had to have missed something. Some indication that something was wrong. Why did I have to loose my little angel? Janice, mommy misses you so much.

So now I am at work till close and missing Janice with tears slipping down my cheeks. Everyone asked me why I didn't dress up today or how I am? No one can understand what each holiday is like for me this year, as maybe two people I know have ever lost a child. Most of my family doesn't even seem to understand. I made the mistake of going on Facebook today and seeing everyone posting their children's halloween pics/costumes. I wish I had one to post. Everyone keeps saying next year but do they realize how hard THIS year is? Maybe I am just being too sensitive but I miss my little girl and there is no bandaid or fix for that. Don't tell me to smile, get over it, or that it will get better unless you have gone through what I have gone through this year.

Friday 18 October 2013

Understanding or lack there of

I don't understand it. I find myself jealous. Jealous of all the people in the stores and on facebook that get to keep their children. The ones that get to have those cute pictures of the older child tormenting the younger on. The people who don't know what I go through on a daily basis to just get up sometimes. Janice was so sweet and innocent and all she ever seemed to want was to spend time with mommy. But mommy had to work and then one day Janice wasn't there any more and my heart broke. I cry for every moment lost with her, for every Kodak moment that was missed. 

I hate myself for feeling like this and I hate myself for crying at my loss when others are just trying to share their happy moments. 

I have to stop myself from crying when I go shopping and I see something I know Janice would want. I cry when I buy Janice's Christmas present four months early and don't have to worry that she will find it before Christmas. I cry at her empty room that Janice should be sleeping in. I almost cried while driving up the hill to do some late shopping because I know Janice would want to go with me and then fall asleep in the car preventing my shopping trip. I cry when I think of how I would end up postponing the shopping to read to her till she fell asleep and then go and do what I needed to do. I cry at the fact that Janice will never meet her sibling and they never meet her. 

I try to stay happy and upbeat for this little one growing inside but I find some days the grief is still so crippling that I just want to curl up in bed with Grumpy and cry. I try to tell myself there was nothing I could have done as that last month runs through my mind over and over again. I try to tell myself of how hard her life would have been, but no one knows that for sure. Janice sure wasn't going to let anything stop her. 

How will I explain the tears to this little one? How do you smile while telling them about their beautiful angel sister while inside you miss her so much you don't know how you make it through each day? How do you pretend that everything is OK when all you can think about is how you lost your child? How do you go on when everything you do you think what would Janice be doing or what would Janice do?

I am told that someday the tears stop and the sun will shine again on your smiling face. I just can't feel the sun for the rain no matter what I do. Sometimes when I talk about this new life inside me I can see the sun peaking out and sometimes I can feel Janice's arms around me and feel the light that she used to create with her smiles... I miss you so much Janice. 

Thursday 17 October 2013

Pre-Halloween thoughts

Well decorations are everywhere and Thanks Giving has passed, I guess there is no denying Halloween is only a week and a bit away.

My birthday was the same as always only with someone missing. I kept thinking of Janice as we cut and ate the cake. Thinking of how she would be sticking her fingers in the icing and getting covered in chocolate. Then when Goong Goong cut his finger helping Kevin move the old tv, I aware I could almost hear Janice saying "help?" And asking "doong doong, boo boo?"
The trip to the ER for stitches was hard as it was the first time up there since her passing.

With all the Halloween comments on Facebook make me think of Janice and what she would want to be this year. I know she would be telling me what she wanted to be this year. No more mommy deciding.

I miss you so much Janice and I keep wondering what you would be getting into now. I feel bad for not making the time for more pictures and videos as I strain sometimes to remember how you would say something  and the sound of your voice. This has been a hard year without you.

Thursday 10 October 2013

Long night

It has been a while since I have done this. It is almost 1AM I started this at 1230 on my phone and then the app stopped and deleted everything. I don't know why I am still up. Maybe it is the move or my upcoming leave, or maybe I am just missing Janice. I don't know. Moving from this apartment, Janice's home feels a lot like when I had to leave her that final night. I wonder how long she lay there until the nurse collected her to take her downstairs. I miss her so much. I know there was nothing I could do but I still feel like I failed her. Part of me feels like I am being punished for some unknown cosmic reason, why else was my little angel taken from us?

Janice was so happy and full of life I still don't understand what happened. I make rational deductions and I know what the doctors say but it doesn't help Just like when I see everyone on facebook posting things Janice should be doing or would be doing. It is torture sometimes seeing how everyone else gets to have those family moments and pics of all their kids together. Something I will never get and then I get people looking at me and wondering why I don't say anything or comment ... it is cause sometimes all I want to say is "do you know what I would give..." Don't get me wrong I am not writing this to make anyone feel guilty but it is hard when no one seems to understand where i am coming from. Even my own family sometimes doesn't realize how hard it is for me to do the family thing because I have to put on a smile and pretend that I am happy watching my nieces play and tell me stories when all I want to do is cry.

Even this baby I have growing inside me brings tears to my eyes knowing that they will never get to know their big sister like I know my siblings. That I will never get those family pictures of all my children together. I know Janice wants me to be happy and that she is up in heaven playing in the clouds  pretending it is Care-a-lot but I still miss her. I still want to wake up to her calling me, to be able to go in her room and see her cuddling as many "bears" as she can while patting a spot for me to join her. What I wouldn't give for her to be making me curl into a quarter of the bed as she is stealing my pillow, to be able to watch her sleep. 

So many people don't realize how lucky they are.

The ultrasound and blood work tell me that this baby is fine and I know that it is not Janice nor would I want it to be. I don't want a replacement. I want a healthy little one that will grow up to be their own person, but I still want them to know their big sister and everything about her. I want them to know that no matter where they go they have someone watching out for them. I just wish that they could have met her and gotten to know her themselves. That I could be complaining right now about how Janice is wanting to "help" with everything and commenting on how excited she is to be a big sister.

I don't know if the tears will ever stop or if someday I will be able to smile without the sad though of wishing Janice was here. All I can do is try to make it day by day and maybe someday I will be able to finish Janice's scrapbooks with a smile on my face.