Closer seems to mean complicated

Today I have come to the conclusion that things just seem to keep getting more and more complicated the closer to delivery we get. I met with my gynecologist this morning and because my blood pressure was 170/94 and baby's heart rate was 165 I was sent straight up to the hospital for an NST. Both came down in about an hour to hour and a half. I had fetal and renal ultrasound today, still waiting on results and I also got more blood work ordered. I am hoping that I will get the results tomorrow as doctors office closed about an hour ago. I am nervous about the whole situation. There was the possibility that baby could have been born today if the numbers didn't come down, but they did.

Due to the concerns with blood pressure I still don't have a date. Although from what the doctor says it will be before the end of next week. Another NST on Thursday and gyno appointment on Monday. Tuesday is the usual routine of ultrasound and NST although it is going to be an early start as ultrasound scheduled at 8AM.

I found some reviews about my new gynecologist. All good and positive. 

Memories & Emotions

It is funny the things you remember and what makes you remember them. Today I was only up for about 6 hours and slept the rest but now I am back up due to an ache. This ache seems to occur always in the same place as of about last Thursday. But back to the memories. 

We have a digital picture frame that cycles through Janice's three years and some of the pictures I don't actually remember them being taken while others I can picture the day and see it so vividly. There is one where she has her doll in the doll carrier that we got her and another where Janice has two dolls in her bucket car seat. Really we could have turned her around so much earlier than we did but I was waiting and I guess hoping that she would get to the proper weight. I think it was only the last year that she faced forward in her car seat. Janice always liked being able to look forward and be up where she could see things. I miss her. 

I know this baby is almost here and will be here in a few weeks but it will never change the fact that Janice isn't here or that I lost my first born child. I know logically that there was nothing that could have been done to change Janice's passing, I have played it over and over in my head so many times that I know that; but it doesn't change the fact that it isn't... wasn't fair. I will always be missing a piece of myself, the piece of me that left this world when Janice passed. 

Her siblings will know her as best I can but it isn't the same as growing up together. I intentionally waited and put off having any more children wanting Janice to have some independence and freedom before introducing a baby into her life. But sadly in the end that meant waiting for her to pass from this world. The irony is that it was only the day prior to her death that we actually started talking about it. Sure people had asked if we were going to have any more but I knew that I needed Janice to be situated first and so I put it off. Janice would have made such a good big sister and I can see her face lighting up at the sight of her baby sister...pictures that will only ever be in my mind as Janice isn't here for me to take them. It is funny how that is. 

I feel that I am in a good place to have this baby but that will never take away the pain or longing that will forever be a part of me. The part of me that Janice filled and although I know that she is always with me it is not the same as being able to hold Janice, hear Janice's voice and laugh, being able to see Janice and watch her do all those quirky things like doing donuts on her board, being able to watch Janice grow up with her siblings and watch Janice turn into the beautiful, intelligent, and inspiring woman I know in my heart she would have become. I always knew that I would have more than one child I just always thought that they would both be living and thriving. Janice is forever apart of us and our lives and that will never change. 

Mommy loves and misses you Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann. You are never far from my mind and always, forever in my heart.

Numbered days

As the days grow numbered until Janice's sister joins this family I find I still have moments when all I can do is think about Janice. I find myself reminiscing about those first few months and how much I loved Janice from the first time I saw her in the incubator and how  Janice felt in my arms the first time I held her. Janice screamed the whole time and there were two nurses standing ready to catch her as she tried to fling herself from my arms as I held her to my chest. 

I wonder what toys and things Janice would be telling me were "hers" and which ones her sister could have. I wonder what questions Janice would be asking. I think of how Janice would sit on the bed when she was brought in to meet her sister and can almost picture her big smile. Janice would have been so proud and happy to have a little sibling. I could almost see her trying to give them a ride on her board. Can you picture Janice trying to hold the baby that will probably be almost as big as she would be? 

Oh how I miss Janice and wish that Janice was here to see her sister. Janice would have made such a wonderful big sister and knowing her trying to help with everything. In 2-3 weeks Janice will be a big sister and the saddest part is that she isn't going to be here for it. I won't get the pictures of the two of them meeting for the first time. I won't get the pictures of them together. I didn't get the joy in telling Janice she was going to be a big sister and have her ask me all the questions a 4 year old asks. 

Janice will be a big sister but her little sister will never know her. She will never know the love, spirit, determination, or light that Janice would have shared with her. She will never know how Janice would have stood up and protected her. This baby is not an only child but they will never know what it is like to have an older sibling.