Welcome

Welcome to my blog which is about my family and I and how we deal with what life throws at us, which includes my daughter and her disabilities related to her spina bifida and her death on December 26 2012.

Sunday 28 April 2013

Nights of Tears

Every night this week I feel like I am reliving the worst night of my life, the night I lost my beautiful little angel, Janice. The tears stream down my cheeks like waterfalls. I long to hug and cuddle my daughter. I wish that I could go into Janice's room to check on her and find her sleeping on her bed.

I long for the sound of her board and just everything her. I want Janice back. I would give anything to have my child back.

Everyone asks how I am doing and all I can say is " good days and bad days". How do people think I am doing? I lost my child at 3 years old a few months will not take that pain away. I am lost and hurt and feel lonely in a crowded room. Time may help but time takes time and more than mere months.

Saturday 27 April 2013

Janice's Personality

I muss how animated Janice was. Her little quirks and personality. I remember she was on her board coming towards the door to go out and I asked "did you forget something?" She stopped to think. "Aren't you bringing grumpy?"

She said "doh" and put her hand on her forehead and spun around and went to get grumpy.

Janice loved going places, walks, car rides, shopping. She just loved being out and about.

I remember watching her roll thru northills mall. Skirting around Santa or when she tried going down the wheel chair ramp on her board and her momentum was more then her board and she face planted, when I picked her up she was in a state of shock not sure what happened. I put het back on her board and away she went again. Or when she figured out she could hold on to the cart or stroller and it would pull her. Janice was so smart and picked things up so easily. School would have bore her.

Janice had the brightest smile and friendly personality. She made the worst day brighter and happier. I loved her and will forever love her. I will miss her fir the rest of my life.

Friday 26 April 2013

Four months

It has been four months since I held her; four months since I heard her voice; four months since I saw her smile; and yet my heart breaks anew as if it were just tonight I lost her. My sweet Janice; my baby girl; my daughter. 

I still keep asking "WHY?" I want to scream to the heavens asking "WHY" What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? This never ending torment, the pain of know she will never grow up; I will never see her physically again; the constant reminders of what I don't get to have. 

Almost everyone I know is having children some on their second or third and I had to say good-bye to mine after only 3 years. How is that fair? How is it that everyone else gets to have healthy children? I loved Janice with all my being despite all her medical concerns. I did everything I could to give her a good and happy life and yet I lost her. 

When she was conceived people told me maybe it was a sign. When she was born they told me how lucky I was... Who is the lucky one now? Janice was such a good little girl with so much love and light and spirit. She made everyone smile. She lit up the room. I remember going to the mall with my parents and Janice was on her board racing down the isle and there was a grumpy old man walking towards us. Janice whizzed past him and he froze and then looked after her and smiled. He straightened up as if she had just made his day. Janice did that to everyone she met. 

We had her celebration of life but I don't think I will ever be able to say good-bye to her. She was everything to me and without her my life feels so empty and lost. They say time heals all wounds but I feel that it will never heal the hole in my heart and soul from loosing Janice. 

Janice started out looking like me then about six months later she was all daddy. She was stubborn and determined which would have taken her far. She loved the water and being outside like I did. She liked a lot of the things Kevin does like pizza and cheese whiz. She could never get enough toast. And she loved her Care Bears. I hope you like your collection sweetie, even if you didn't get a chance to play with them all. 

Four months and I still can't stop crying....Janice you are loved and missed more than I think anyone could ever know.
I remember the night her first tooth broke, it was the only night she ever kept me up. I wasn't impressed but I would give up sleep just to have her back in my arms. 

Tuesday 23 April 2013

Tanya's Mind

I believe in God and Heaven. I don't go to church but sometimes I find comfort in talking to pastors and priests. I say I was raised Catholic but I was baptized Christian when I was an adult. I like to believe in magic, both good and bad. I find my life draws me to shows like "Touched By an Angel", "Twice In a Lifetime" and "Charmed". All shows that tell that there is a reason for everything. The later I know people would argue with me but they do say in "Charmed" "everything happens for a reason"; whether it is due to a single god or multiple, whether we choose it or fight it. I don't pretend to understand the reasons but I find I have to believe there is a reason just to keep my sanity. 

I wish there was a way I could bring back my baby girl and yet I know that I can't. The fact that I wasn't there with her, torments me. 

I have always been fascinated with names:
Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story
Origin: Hebrew;  Meaning: Form of JANE. god is gracious
Origin: Persian;  Meaning: child of light; Greek - Pearl
Origin: Latin;  Meaning: One's fate; English - Destiny, fate
Origin: Hebrew;  Meaning: Form of ANNA - gracious, favour
Story Meaning:  descendant of little Store or Stori (strong, powerful)

Once I looked up my name Tanya Elisabeth Yoshy(Yoshie)
Tanya - Russian: fairy queen
Elisabeth - Blessed by God
Yoshie - Respectful
It made me think that I could be an Angel. I was foolish and childish.

If I was an Angel then I wouldn't have had to loose my child. I at least was able to give Janice a name that suited her and I didn't even know what it meant the day I put it on her birth certificate. She was a  gracious gift from god and a child of light, her life was destined and she was strong in spirit and will and her powerful intellect. Janice was the best of me.  

I cry in the dark and when I am alone. I put on the strong face and pretend that I am doing better but my heart and soul still weep for my little Angel, Janice.

I never planned on having an only child. When Janice surprised us with her arrival I knew in my heart she would never be my only child, even with her suitcase. She was mommy's helper and I know she would have made a wonderful big sister. But how do you tell a child that they had a big sister but they can't ever meet them? 

Monday 22 April 2013

Hard Days

Some days are harder than others to put on the mask and pretend I am ok. Everyone tells me it will get better in time... It has been almost 4 months and some days it feels like it was yesterday. Yes, I have returned to work and yes I somehow make it thru each shift but no one knows how many times I don't look at the customer to avoid seeing their child/children. The reminders of what I am missing, things and opportunities I should be having with Janice.

My sister invited me to "Beauty & the Beast" and my first thought was "Janice would have loved that". Every time I step out of the shower I wait for her to say "done?".

I cry at the picture I didn't take and ing exisit in my memories because I thought i'll take a picture next time and there was no next time.

Wednesday 17 April 2013

Tears and Thoughts

Today I was feeling down to start with but receiving the email about Janice's "chair" and having Crystal and Mari-anne come and get it only solidified my mood as it is another reminder something else to make Janice's passing more concrete as her things leave. I know there was no reason to keep the chair and that other kids need it to but it was Janice's. They brought a very nice and sweet card and I broke into tears trying to read it.  I still don't know how to stop the tears. Janice was the good and beauty in my world; she was everything to us and Janice's things keep her memory alive. Saying good-bye to her chair was like saying good-bye to her all over again. It is funny how objects can do that. 

I don't know how I will make it through this. Life keeps going, the world keeps spinning and yet time seams to have stopped for me. I know my lil angel is in the clouds but it doesn't seem like it has been as long as it has. We are over 110 days since she left for heaven, for her care-a-lot and I am still here, still wondering when she is coming home. 

Janice will forever live in my heart and memories. I just wish she had been able to live the life she deserved. Parents aren't suppose to bury their children. Yes, it happens but it is so tragic and horrible that it is easier to believe that it doesn't. Fly free and happy Janice, someday Mommy and Da will join you again, wait for us.

Tuesday 9 April 2013

Tears Like Waterfalls

This weekend I have not been able to keep the tears from my eyes. I keep thinking of my little girl; I miss Janice so much it hurts. I know I can't have her back as much as I want to be able to hold her again. I know I can't join her without leaving the people I care about hurting the way I am now. Yet I don't know how to fill the hole inside. I don't know how to stop the tears. 

Janice was so special to me and she was the best of me. She was happy and free and playful, determined. Janice was beautiful and had her whole life ahead of her. 

Why did he take her from me? What did I do wrong? Why do I have to go through this? So many questions with no answers. So much pain with no relief. 

People have tried to tell me to move or to box Janice's stuff up; but it wouldn't help. Doing those things now would feel like I was trying to forget her. I could never forget Janice. I don't know how I am expected to go on after having such a precious little angel in my life and then loosing her with no rhyme or reason. 

I wish that I had been able to video tape her whole life so I would never be able to forget a second. I would give anything to hear her board in the hallway and hear her calling "mom" as she raced toward me. Watch her climb on to my bed to steal my pillow and ask for "bears". I think that is my favorite memory is Janice waking me up to watch bears or coming home and her wanting me to watch bears with her. Janice had started to get into horses near the end, just like her namesake. I would be laying on the bed watching bears with her and Janice would climb on my back and ask "horse?" I would be expected to buck like a horse and she would laugh until I stopped or she fell on to the bed, then she would say "gen" her way of saying "again" but she had shortened it. Janice's vocabulary was getting so big. Kevin had her doing her alphabet, another thing I wish we had recorded. 

So many things that I wish we could have on tape or video to watch, a way of keeping her around. Be able to hear her voice and see her smile and her brilliant personality. I miss her more than life itself and there is nothing I can do. 

Yolanda asked me the other day if I wanted to go with her and my nieces to Beauty and the Beast on the 30th and all I could think was how much Janice would have loved to go and I started crying. So many things Janice should have been able to do and never will get the chance to do. 

I grieved the things I knew she wouldn't be able to do when she was born, things like walking and skating, most sports; but she figured out how to get around on her board and how to climb the stairs and I started seeing that Janice wasn't going to let anything stop her. Janice was going to be as independent as she could be. I wanted her to know that just because of her legs that didn't mean she wasn't able to do everything she wanted to do. Then that horrible day when I let the thought of loosing her cross my mind for a second before I pushed it away and then it happened. The day I held her still from and my heart broke knowing that my baby was gone and now I can't stop seeing all the things that she will miss, all the things that Janice should be here for and able to do. 

The tears seem endless and I feel alone, even though I know I am not alone. I feel alone because for three years she was always here, for three years Janice was waiting for mommy to come home and I could always feel the love when I opened the door and she would come racing to welcome me home and now there is silence. I will never hear her calling me again. I will never feel her arms around me or have her ask me "gen" or see her beautiful smile.

 I loved Janice more than life and I miss her so much.  I hope are happy and free wherever you are my little angel and Wish you were here with us sweetheart. May your wings take you where your board couldn't. 

We love you ♥