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Welcome to my blog which is about my family and I and how we deal with what life throws at us, which includes my daughter and her disabilities related to her spina bifida and her death on December 26 2012.

Saturday 5 July 2014

Grief and Differences - posting drom june?

I find it frustrating the people who imply and seem to think that I should be over the death of Janice. It has been a year and a half but the wound is still fresh, even with Abbygail here with us. A lot of people don't seem to understand. 

Loosing a child isn't something that after a day you are better, a week you are moving on, a month you are back to yourself. Loosing a child is a life changing thing that you will never be the same after. 
You will always think what would they be doing now? What would they think about this? You always wish that they were in your arms giving you a hug. 
Years can pass and you will still miss them and still wish that they were still with you. 
As you watch future children grow and hit those precious milestones will remind you and make you think of your precious heavenly child.

Loosing a child is different for everyone. Loosing a child who has reached adulthood is different than loosing a teenager; loosing a teenager is different that loosing a child; loosing a child is different than loosing a toddler; loosing a toddler is different than loosing a infant; loosing an infant is different that having a stillborn; having a stillborn is different than a miscarriage; And none of the above is anything like loosing a sibling, spouse, parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle or pet. Daring to compare the loss of a child to  loosing a sibling, spouse, parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle or pet is an insult and disrespectful of the grieving parent that lost their child. 

I feel jealous that almost everyone I know gets to have all their children and I had to loose one. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Don't get me wrong I don't wish it on my worst enemy.That doesn't change the fact that seeing so many people that get to have those beautiful pictures of their children together, the complete family, those pictures I don't get. 

I don't care if I have posted similar things before it is how I feel. I bottle enough things. I journal enough things to prevent what I am going through from hurting others. 

Abbygail is growing and becoming a beautiful toddler. At 5 and a half months she is doing wonderful but there isn't a day that I don't wish that her sister was here; That Abby could meet and play with her sister. Everyone looks at me like there is something wrong with me when I have a bad or off day because they somehow think that having Abbygail loosing Janice shouldn't cause me any more pain. I don't care who you are it could be 10 years, 25 years 50 years and I will still miss and wish Janice was still here with us. Janice should be playing with Abbygail, teaching her how to get into trouble, reading to Abbygail; instead I sit here watching Abbygail play on the floor alone, never to know her older sister and what the two of them are missing our on. 

Abbygail is eating a small jar of food for supper for the past 2 nights. She is rolling and getting close to crawling and teething and loosing that baby look that Janice and her shared. Abbygail is becoming her own. The sleepless nights grow farther apart but are always just a sunset away.

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