She's been on my mind

Janice is on my mind again. When I couldn't sleep I would go into her bedroom and tuck her hair back and out of her face and pull her blanket up to keep her ware even though I knew she didn't like being covered up. I would sit on her bed and talk to her and somehow that helped and I could go back to bed and sleep. 

With Abbygail when I try that it reminds me of those nights in Janice's room and makes me want to cry. I miss Janice so much. I can see all the things that she would be doing with Abby and to help with Abby. But she isn't here. Janice is gone and will never get to experience being a big sister. 

I wish we had more videos of her. I miss her little voice so much. I wish so much that the past year and a half was a horrible nightmare and I would wake up to Janice stealing my pillow. I know this blog has turned into me saying a lot of this stuff over and over again but I can't help it. My family of 3 should be a family of 4. Janice should be here and she isn't. I just want to scream "WHY?" 

People try to tell me at least she didn't/isn't suffering. Have you seen the pictures? Show me the picture that tells you my little angel was in pain or suffering. Someone tried to tell me she was spared the bullying that Janice would have endured when she got to school. I really don't think like that, Janice was so friendly and full of life I think anyone that tried would have been faced with many others of Janice's friends. I know that medically she had some issues but I wanted to think that my little angel Janice would have over come them with all that determination she showed us on a daily basis. Janice never let anything stop her. 

I sit here in front of the laptop crying as I type this, my only outlet for the grief that still eats at me. The guilt that when Janice needed me the most I wasn't able to be there for her. I should have been beside her in the car as Kevin drove her to the hospital that fateful day. It is still so vivid in my mind. The look on Kevin's face as he handed her still form to me. I wanted to scream but found no voice. How still and quiet she was; somehow part of me wanted to believe she was just sleeping. Even in the funeral home she always looked like she could wake at any moment. I feared leaving her that night thinking what if Janice wakes up and mummy isn't there? The coldness of her body in her red Christmas dress complete with hat, her pink mitts and pink Yoshi that will forever be with her. 

People try to tell me to get over it. They imply that I shouldn't cry or have bad days any more because I have Abbygail, Those are the people that have their perfect happy families that don't understand the feeling of knowing that your family is always missing one. The ones that don't know the silence left behind by a child not being there any more. Every day wondering what that missing and lost child would be and should be doing. Seeing something in a store and thinking how much that Janice would have liked it. The people that don't know the pain of having to open gifts mean for a child that will never see them, never play with them.

Janice would be turning 5 this September and starting kindergarten. Janice should have brought home mother and father's day crafts from daycare. Janice should have been having gotten used to her "chair" and using that to go our and about while still using her "board" when at home or at the water park. Janice loved the water, I wish I had more pictures and more videos of my sweet little girl that left this world too soon. .

Expectations

I lost my daughter and although 99% of my friends and family have NO idea what that is like, I still feel lile they judge me.

Janice has been gone 1 year 5 months and 10 days; yes, she now has a little sister. Why do people think that because of these 2 things I should be better? At least that is how it feels.

I wish you would all understand time doesn't fix this. Time and or having another child doesn't change the fact that I lost my daughter. Nothing can bring her back. Nothing can mend the hole in my heart that longs to hold her, to hear her voice and her laugh,  to see her grow into the beautiful and smart woman I know Janice would have become.

Yet whether it be the look in your eye or tone of voice or the words you say; the message is still "aren't you over it?"
I didn't loose a puppy. I lost my vibrant beautiful child that didn't even get a chance to really live.

Then you expect me ti be able to be happy, smile and be able to look at other children without longing and thimking of what Janice should be and would be doing.

Janice would be turning 5 this September and starting kindergarten.  She would have a wheel chair and spcialized bike by now to get around. Janice would be telling me stories and telling me what she wanted to get, what she wanted to wear, what she needed, even telling me what she wanted to do for her birthday. Janice would have a list of friends. But no one asks or talks about her. It feels like the more time passes the more people forget about her.

Last night at dinner my nieces wanted to hold and help feed Abby. That should have been Janice.

FYI the clichés don't help. Time doesn't heal all wounds, it just gives us time to adjust to the scars. She is in a better place? Seriously? What is a better place for a child then in their parent's loving arms? At least she didn't suffer, were you there? How do you know my child was or would have suffered?  And if we are going that route then why am I still here to endure the pain and suffering that came in the wake of loosing my child?

For those that say you can decide to be happy, what do you think I do 90% of the time? I put on a smile and I do my best to fit in with this world and not break down and cry when I see all of you with your happy, healthy families and knowing you aren't jaded like I am. You don't have the constant fear of loosing anyone else.

I am sorry if this hurts people to read but this is MY blog and MY feelings so I will post what I want. YOU CHOOSE to READ.
I LOVE Abbygail but I will NEVER stop missing Janice.

Hard finding the Joy

I feel bad because I can't feel happy when my sister and her daughters visit or ask me  to go and do something with them. I just feel sad because Janice isn't here and she would be doing a lot of the things my nieces are doing. My oldest niece is 6 and youngest is 3 while Janice would be 4 turning 5 this year. Even with Abby I still struggle to smile and pretend to be interested in my nieces banter and babbling. 

Is it wrong? Am I wrong in feeling this way? Will it ever end?

Why does it seem everyone I know gets their happy, perfect families, while my family is forever 1 short? Tonight I had a family dinner with my sister, nieces and grandparents. My nieces weren't eating and all I could think was I never had trouble getting Janice to put food in her mouth. She may have pocketed certain textures but Janice was getting better at eating and was almost off of the tube feedings when she passed. 

Last week we received a visit report for Janice from her speech therapist that was post marked November 2012. It was like a knife being twisted in my heart. I just haven't been myself since. I just feel stressed and depressed. Also last month the digital frame that we bought to remember Janice died. Spring just isn't my season. 

Wish I could feel better.