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Welcome to my blog which is about my family and I and how we deal with what life throws at us, which includes my daughter and her disabilities related to her spina bifida and her death on December 26 2012.

Thursday 5 June 2014

Expectations

I lost my daughter and although 99% of my friends and family have NO idea what that is like, I still feel lile they judge me.

Janice has been gone 1 year 5 months and 10 days; yes, she now has a little sister. Why do people think that because of these 2 things I should be better? At least that is how it feels.

I wish you would all understand time doesn't fix this. Time and or having another child doesn't change the fact that I lost my daughter. Nothing can bring her back. Nothing can mend the hole in my heart that longs to hold her, to hear her voice and her laugh,  to see her grow into the beautiful and smart woman I know Janice would have become.

Yet whether it be the look in your eye or tone of voice or the words you say; the message is still "aren't you over it?"
I didn't loose a puppy. I lost my vibrant beautiful child that didn't even get a chance to really live.

Then you expect me ti be able to be happy, smile and be able to look at other children without longing and thimking of what Janice should be and would be doing.

Janice would be turning 5 this September and starting kindergarten.  She would have a wheel chair and spcialized bike by now to get around. Janice would be telling me stories and telling me what she wanted to get, what she wanted to wear, what she needed, even telling me what she wanted to do for her birthday. Janice would have a list of friends. But no one asks or talks about her. It feels like the more time passes the more people forget about her.

Last night at dinner my nieces wanted to hold and help feed Abby. That should have been Janice.

FYI the clichés don't help. Time doesn't heal all wounds, it just gives us time to adjust to the scars. She is in a better place? Seriously? What is a better place for a child then in their parent's loving arms? At least she didn't suffer, were you there? How do you know my child was or would have suffered?  And if we are going that route then why am I still here to endure the pain and suffering that came in the wake of loosing my child?

For those that say you can decide to be happy, what do you think I do 90% of the time? I put on a smile and I do my best to fit in with this world and not break down and cry when I see all of you with your happy, healthy families and knowing you aren't jaded like I am. You don't have the constant fear of loosing anyone else.

I am sorry if this hurts people to read but this is MY blog and MY feelings so I will post what I want. YOU CHOOSE to READ.
I LOVE Abbygail but I will NEVER stop missing Janice.

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