Today is Christmas Day, It is suppose to be filled with joy and happiness and yet I barely found the strength to smile. I went to my Grandma's for breakfast and presents and spent the rest of the day at home. Today just felt so empty. I even took Grumpy with me to my Grandparent's house when we went. I put on the strong face for my Grandma, I know she wants me to be happy and she is one of the few that understands my pain. The closer to midnight we get the harder it is to stop the tears. It was about 630pm last Christmas Day that I saw my little girl, Janice alive. I don't know the exact time of death at that point I was in shock and all that I cared to know was that my daughter was gone, but it was around 2pm December 26th.
I can't sleep. I filled about 5 pages in my diary/journal already today. I don't know what to do. I miss her so much. I want my little girl back. She would be 4 as of September 15th and I know she would have been excited and happy opening her Christmas gifts and preparing for her siblings arrival and wanting to "help" and all that keeps running through my head is "Janice should be here" and "Janice should be..."
I feel so alone and jealous. Alone in my worst nightmare and jealous of all the happy and complete families that get to have true Christmas'.
I remember as I waited for her father and her to pick me up before going to the hospital a year ago that the thought that she might die crossed my mind for a few seconds before I rushed to push it out, reaffirming that she would be fine. That after a week in the hospital Janice would be home again. But that was not to be. I wasn't there when she passed. I didn't get to say good-bye. I feel like I failed her. I feel so sad that I didn't get to hear her last words. I know I couldn't have done anything to save her but I should have been there.
I remember getting the call around 230pm and running back to the front door of my employer to find someone anyone to give me a ride to the hospital, I was in hysterics they couldn't understand me. I remember apologizing the whole way to the hospital. Then as I entered the ER a male nurse came up to me and told me that Janice was gone, they had tried for half an hour and that her father was in the room holding her. I walked in the room and my heart broke as he looked up at me and said "Our little girl is gone" His tears said more though. He handed her to me and I climbed on the bed and still processing what I had been told I started calling people, starting with work. No one believed me. Hell I didn't want to believe me. Slowly our families showed up and the staff moved us to a more private room. We stayed there taking turns holding Janice till about 9pm. Even as we left I didn't want to I kept thinking "What if she wakes up and she is all alone?" I felt like I was abandoning her leaving Janice all alone on the cot in the ER.
I through myself into telling everyone to avoid awkward conversations and planning her service. This year I have nothing to channel my grief and pain into and all I can do is cry. I miss my little girl. I miss Janice and I want her back so badly. I keep asking Why? Why? Why? If I had known that I would only get those 3 precious years I would have let her sleep in our bed every night and steal my pillow all the time. I would have taken more pictures and done more things with her I would have quit my job to spend those years with her if I had known.
I am not stupid. With her medical conditions I knew she wouldn't live to be 80 but I didn't expect to loose her so suddenly and at such a young age. I don't know how I will get through tomorrow all I know is that somehow it will come and go and I will still be here and that Janice is in Heaven trying to make me smile like she used to. Janice's smile was so infectious and beautiful. I love you Janice I hope and pray you know that.
Wednesday 25 December 2013
Friday 20 December 2013
Quietly in the Silence
Quietly in the silent of the night,
I feel the loneliness.
Quietly in the stillness of the night,
I miss those that left too soon.
Quietly in the darkness,
I let the tears fall at night.
Quietly when I am alone,
I let my mind wander.
Quietly when no one is around,
I let my feelings show.
Quietly when no one can hear me,
I talk to my little girl in heaven.
Quietly the spring,
I think of how big she would be.
Quietly in the summer,
I think of how she loved the water and being outside.
Quietly in the fall,
Her birthday looms and I think of what she would want.
Quietly in the winter,
I am thrown back to that horrible night,
The last time I saw my little heavenly angel.
Quietly on New Years,
I wish she was still here.
Quietly on her dad's birthday,
I wish she was playing with him.
Quietly on her birthday,
I wish she was opening presents.
Quietly on my birthday,
I wish she was waking me up.
Quietly on Halloween,
I wish she was in costume,
Out Trick or Treating with her friends.
Quietly on Remembrance Day,
I remember how she used to light the day.
Quietly on Christmas,
I remember that last trip and how much fun she had.
Quietly on Boxing Day,
Behind closed doors,
I cry away the pain.
Quietly in sunrise,
I know I'll see her again.
Quietly in the moonlight,
I can feel her say "nigh nigh."
Quietly in the springtime,
I can see her spirit wild and free.
Quietly in my dreams,
I know she is happy and would want the same for me.
Quietly I pray,
That some day I will understand.
Quietly among the tears,
I know there's a reason.
Quietly in the sunshine,
I feel her smile on my face.
Quietly,
I will be okay.
I feel the loneliness.
Quietly in the stillness of the night,
I miss those that left too soon.
Quietly in the darkness,
I let the tears fall at night.
Quietly when I am alone,
I let my mind wander.
Quietly when no one is around,
I let my feelings show.
Quietly when no one can hear me,
I talk to my little girl in heaven.
Quietly the spring,
I think of how big she would be.
Quietly in the summer,
I think of how she loved the water and being outside.
Quietly in the fall,
Her birthday looms and I think of what she would want.
Quietly in the winter,
I am thrown back to that horrible night,
The last time I saw my little heavenly angel.
Quietly on New Years,
I wish she was still here.
Quietly on her dad's birthday,
I wish she was playing with him.
Quietly on her birthday,
I wish she was opening presents.
Quietly on my birthday,
I wish she was waking me up.
Quietly on Halloween,
I wish she was in costume,
Out Trick or Treating with her friends.
Quietly on Remembrance Day,
I remember how she used to light the day.
Quietly on Christmas,
I remember that last trip and how much fun she had.
Quietly on Boxing Day,
Behind closed doors,
I cry away the pain.
Quietly in sunrise,
I know I'll see her again.
Quietly in the moonlight,
I can feel her say "nigh nigh."
Quietly in the springtime,
I can see her spirit wild and free.
Quietly in my dreams,
I know she is happy and would want the same for me.
Quietly I pray,
That some day I will understand.
Quietly among the tears,
I know there's a reason.
Quietly in the sunshine,
I feel her smile on my face.
Quietly,
I will be okay.
Tuesday 17 December 2013
The meaning of grief
Someone posted this on a forum I frequent and I saw the truth in it.
A psychiatrist in the town who has become a de facto expert in grief since the Sandy Hook massacre. He said something that has been ringing true for me, and I have found comforting.
He said that he has learned over this last year that grief is actually love. It is not depression, or sadness. It is love when you cannot be with the one that you love. So there is no "getting over it", because how or why would you get over love? He said instead of expecting people to get over it, he now tries to help people find new outlets for that love, like Newtown's Acts of Kindness campaign, or philanthropies, etc. that you cannot get over it, but you can find new expressions of it.
A psychiatrist in the town who has become a de facto expert in grief since the Sandy Hook massacre. He said something that has been ringing true for me, and I have found comforting.
He said that he has learned over this last year that grief is actually love. It is not depression, or sadness. It is love when you cannot be with the one that you love. So there is no "getting over it", because how or why would you get over love? He said instead of expecting people to get over it, he now tries to help people find new outlets for that love, like Newtown's Acts of Kindness campaign, or philanthropies, etc. that you cannot get over it, but you can find new expressions of it.
Saturday 14 December 2013
Going through things left behind
Tonight I did the hardest thing, the thing I have be putting off; but time is running out. I went through Janice's toys and started getting the baby's room ready. I found myself getting mad and sad at the same time and for the same reason, Janice is not here. She should be here getting excited about becoming a big sister. I am emotionally drained. I know very few of you will understand the conflict of emotion.
I know that the baby will be here in at most 2 months, but that doesn't change the fact that there should be a four year old keeping me busy and driving me crazy. Being pregnant and expecting a new baby doesn't change the fact that I lost Janice nor does it lessen the pain which I am going through. People tell me I should be happy and that I shouldn't get upset for the baby's sake, but what about me? I need to let out my emotions. I need to know that my daughter is missed. I need to let the tears fall in her memory.
Going through all those things that reminded me of different things. The toys she played with. The toys she didn't get a chance to see, let alone play with. I long to have Janice back although I know nothing and no one can bring her back. I am mad because I couldn't save her and sad because I want her back. So many things I wish I could change. So much I wish I didn't have to endure. Life isn't fair.
How I long to hear her voice. How I long to feel her arms around me. How I long to smell her sweet scent again. I miss the small things that everyone takes for granted. I miss my monkey angel Janice and wish she was just in her room playing or sleeping and that I could go in and see her.
I know that the baby will be here in at most 2 months, but that doesn't change the fact that there should be a four year old keeping me busy and driving me crazy. Being pregnant and expecting a new baby doesn't change the fact that I lost Janice nor does it lessen the pain which I am going through. People tell me I should be happy and that I shouldn't get upset for the baby's sake, but what about me? I need to let out my emotions. I need to know that my daughter is missed. I need to let the tears fall in her memory.
Going through all those things that reminded me of different things. The toys she played with. The toys she didn't get a chance to see, let alone play with. I long to have Janice back although I know nothing and no one can bring her back. I am mad because I couldn't save her and sad because I want her back. So many things I wish I could change. So much I wish I didn't have to endure. Life isn't fair.
How I long to hear her voice. How I long to feel her arms around me. How I long to smell her sweet scent again. I miss the small things that everyone takes for granted. I miss my monkey angel Janice and wish she was just in her room playing or sleeping and that I could go in and see her.
Friday 13 December 2013
Missing and Reliving
I miss Janice and even have dreamed about her this week which is both beautiful and painful. Beautiful because I get to be with Janice if only in my dreams; but painful because I still have to wake to the reality that she is no longer here. Even knowing this baby is on its way doesn't take away the longing and missing Janice.
My Grandma told me today that my Grandfather keeps trying to all but build a shrine for Janice. She puts some of the stuffed animals away leaving just a few out and my grandfather gets them out again. She has two pictures of Janice framed in the bedroom for him. She moved a picture of Janice to a different spot and he got on her case about taking down the picture (he is legally blind). I almost feel that he is grieving Janice worse than I am. And it hurts me to know that he is hurting so much and there is nothing I can do to help relieve the pain. I didn't directly cause it but feel responsible for the pain and grief he is going through.
I had a friend that had a stillborn a month ago and I am doing my best to support and help her as much as I can, but I am finding it difficult between the anniversary and holiday festivities and watching/listening to her go through all the pain of the first month. Seeing her go through it is almost a trigger for me as it sends me back in my memories to those first few months and how hard it is to try to go back to living life after loss. The public break downs that make you wish you could disappear. The looks people give you because they don't know what to say or do; or because they don't know what you are going through and notice you are acting different. It breaks my heart and apart from being there and messaging her and giving moral support doesn't seem enough.
I know what it is like to be without a child that you are suppose to have. I know what it is like to cry over an empty form wishing with all your being that they would wake up or that you would wake up and it all be a horrible nightmare. I know what it is like to feel your heart break inside your chest. I know the pain of real loss. I know how cruel life can be and to not have anyone understand the devastation that you go through. To have to listen to people's half a$$ attempts to comfort you when there is no way to comfort you or heal your broken heart. People mean well but without going through the traumatic and devastating loss of loosing a child they don't know and can't understand the pain and longing that is now a daily life long reality for those who have children in heaven.
I have seen a commercial recently about teen suicide and it says " life with a teen is hard but life without one is harder". But life without any child that is taken too soon is unspeakable and you wish no one had to go through. I would give almost anything to have Janice back in my arms.
My Grandma told me today that my Grandfather keeps trying to all but build a shrine for Janice. She puts some of the stuffed animals away leaving just a few out and my grandfather gets them out again. She has two pictures of Janice framed in the bedroom for him. She moved a picture of Janice to a different spot and he got on her case about taking down the picture (he is legally blind). I almost feel that he is grieving Janice worse than I am. And it hurts me to know that he is hurting so much and there is nothing I can do to help relieve the pain. I didn't directly cause it but feel responsible for the pain and grief he is going through.
I had a friend that had a stillborn a month ago and I am doing my best to support and help her as much as I can, but I am finding it difficult between the anniversary and holiday festivities and watching/listening to her go through all the pain of the first month. Seeing her go through it is almost a trigger for me as it sends me back in my memories to those first few months and how hard it is to try to go back to living life after loss. The public break downs that make you wish you could disappear. The looks people give you because they don't know what to say or do; or because they don't know what you are going through and notice you are acting different. It breaks my heart and apart from being there and messaging her and giving moral support doesn't seem enough.
I know what it is like to be without a child that you are suppose to have. I know what it is like to cry over an empty form wishing with all your being that they would wake up or that you would wake up and it all be a horrible nightmare. I know what it is like to feel your heart break inside your chest. I know the pain of real loss. I know how cruel life can be and to not have anyone understand the devastation that you go through. To have to listen to people's half a$$ attempts to comfort you when there is no way to comfort you or heal your broken heart. People mean well but without going through the traumatic and devastating loss of loosing a child they don't know and can't understand the pain and longing that is now a daily life long reality for those who have children in heaven.
I have seen a commercial recently about teen suicide and it says " life with a teen is hard but life without one is harder". But life without any child that is taken too soon is unspeakable and you wish no one had to go through. I would give almost anything to have Janice back in my arms.
Thursday 12 December 2013
Holding and Hugging and Dreams
I miss Janice. I miss her every day. I miss her every night. The pain never truly goes away. Sometimes it is just a matter of how much it hurts and what triggers you run into on that given day.
The hardest thing in this world is loosing a child and when that child is your only child it is that much more devastating. When you have other living children you don't miss the hugs, and the playing. I mean your family is always one short but when you need a hug your other children can help fill that void. When you loose your only child you are left with empty arms, if you are lucky you have stuffed animal or something sentimental that you can hold and hug but it isn't the same.
Even having another child taking you back to step 1 and there are so many things that you should get but never will. Like a picture of the siblings together. Seeing your children playing together or tormenting each other. Watching the younger one try to imitate the older one. All things I don't get to see with Janice. I don't get to see Janice watching over her siblings, although she can watch over them in a way not everyone can.
When I dream of Janice both of us are so happy. I find them peaceful and heavenly.I believe as many have commented that it is Janice's way of telling me she is happy and well, also her way of checking in on her family. Sometimes she is walking, it is like she is still alive. I know she isn't and that is why waking up can be so devastating. In my dreams I can hold her, hug her, kiss her, play with her, anything we want to do. In the light of day when I am awake the reality is so much different. Not many can fathom the devastation of waking up. In dreams any one your heart longs for is just a phone call or thought away. Then to be ripped away from the life you wish was still here, the life in which our loved ones are still with us; a utopia where there is no pain or loss and life is as near perfect as imperfect beings can be. I long for the dreams but I still hate waking up and leaving her behind, it almost feels like that horrible night again when we left Janice's small form behind at the hospital. It was very hard for me I think she may have only spent 3 or 4 nights in the hospital without me maybe even less and so leaving her that final night broke my heart as much as it broke when I was told she was gone. That night I honestly didn't want to leave her for fear that she would wake up alone, denial of the situation.No one wants to believe that their loved ones are gone and not going to wake up again.
Janice's sibling will show me that you life does go on but there is always going to be someone missing. There will always be things that will make me think of Janice and bring tears to my eyes. Life does go on after loss but it is never the same and anyone that tells you different is a liar or has no idea of real loss.
The hardest thing in this world is loosing a child and when that child is your only child it is that much more devastating. When you have other living children you don't miss the hugs, and the playing. I mean your family is always one short but when you need a hug your other children can help fill that void. When you loose your only child you are left with empty arms, if you are lucky you have stuffed animal or something sentimental that you can hold and hug but it isn't the same.
Even having another child taking you back to step 1 and there are so many things that you should get but never will. Like a picture of the siblings together. Seeing your children playing together or tormenting each other. Watching the younger one try to imitate the older one. All things I don't get to see with Janice. I don't get to see Janice watching over her siblings, although she can watch over them in a way not everyone can.
When I dream of Janice both of us are so happy. I find them peaceful and heavenly.I believe as many have commented that it is Janice's way of telling me she is happy and well, also her way of checking in on her family. Sometimes she is walking, it is like she is still alive. I know she isn't and that is why waking up can be so devastating. In my dreams I can hold her, hug her, kiss her, play with her, anything we want to do. In the light of day when I am awake the reality is so much different. Not many can fathom the devastation of waking up. In dreams any one your heart longs for is just a phone call or thought away. Then to be ripped away from the life you wish was still here, the life in which our loved ones are still with us; a utopia where there is no pain or loss and life is as near perfect as imperfect beings can be. I long for the dreams but I still hate waking up and leaving her behind, it almost feels like that horrible night again when we left Janice's small form behind at the hospital. It was very hard for me I think she may have only spent 3 or 4 nights in the hospital without me maybe even less and so leaving her that final night broke my heart as much as it broke when I was told she was gone. That night I honestly didn't want to leave her for fear that she would wake up alone, denial of the situation.No one wants to believe that their loved ones are gone and not going to wake up again.
Janice's sibling will show me that you life does go on but there is always going to be someone missing. There will always be things that will make me think of Janice and bring tears to my eyes. Life does go on after loss but it is never the same and anyone that tells you different is a liar or has no idea of real loss.
Wednesday 4 December 2013
Presents
I used to love Christmas. I slept under the tree till I moved out and didn't have a tree of my own. I shook the presents and made guesses as to what was in each of mine. I pilled all mine together to get to them faster. I woke up by 6 AM without an alarm clock. I believed in Santa until I became an adult.
Last year changed everything. When Janice passed away with all but 2 of her presents still wrapped, I don't know if I will be able to open presents this year without crying. Last year after Janice passed we had to sit down and open all the presents without her knowing how much she would have liked what she got. How can Christmas presents mean the same thing after a Christmas like last year.
I know next Christmas I will have to start working on getting back into the season for Janice's sibling but this year Christmas feels like throwing salt on an open wound. I want to cry just thinking about what used to be one of the happiest holidays of the year. So many good memories and on devastatingly traumatic one has cast a shadow on everything previous. How cruel the world can be.
I can still picture Janice playing under the tree last year. She was so happy and interested in the tree and ornaments. It was almost like her first Christmas when all she cared about was the lights. I think Janice would have been like me, sleeping under the tree, up before the sun, if she slept. Christmas and presents don't have the same effect on me any more. They used to bring me joy and now they bring me tears.
Last year changed everything. When Janice passed away with all but 2 of her presents still wrapped, I don't know if I will be able to open presents this year without crying. Last year after Janice passed we had to sit down and open all the presents without her knowing how much she would have liked what she got. How can Christmas presents mean the same thing after a Christmas like last year.
I know next Christmas I will have to start working on getting back into the season for Janice's sibling but this year Christmas feels like throwing salt on an open wound. I want to cry just thinking about what used to be one of the happiest holidays of the year. So many good memories and on devastatingly traumatic one has cast a shadow on everything previous. How cruel the world can be.
I can still picture Janice playing under the tree last year. She was so happy and interested in the tree and ornaments. It was almost like her first Christmas when all she cared about was the lights. I think Janice would have been like me, sleeping under the tree, up before the sun, if she slept. Christmas and presents don't have the same effect on me any more. They used to bring me joy and now they bring me tears.
Another song that will never be the same again
"All I Want For Christmas Is You"
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you, yeah.
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
And I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas Day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You, baby
Oh, I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
And I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do?
Baby, all I want for Christmas is you
You, baby
Oh, all the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa, won't you bring me the one I really need?
Won't you please bring my baby to me?
Oh, I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh, I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby, all I want for Christmas is
You, baby
All I want for Christmas is you, baby
All I want for Christmas is you, baby
All I want for Christmas is you, baby
All I want for Christmas is you, baby
My first Christmas in Heaven
I see countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow,
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas Choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart.
but I am not so far away. We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear ones. You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my father said to do,
For I can't count the blessings or love he has for each of you.
So, have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear, Remember
I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
=dont know author-
Monday 2 December 2013
Point of View
Everyone tells me I am strong,
But I feel weak.
Everyone tells me I am was a good mom,
Yet I lost my child.
Everyone tells me I shouldn't blame myself,
But who else can I blame.
I carried her.
I failed her.
I should have been able to save her.
Life is cruel.
I loved her.
I cherished her.
I did all I could for her.
It wasn't enough.
I would have changed the world for her.
I would have given my life for her,
I wasn't given the choice.
Point of view and perspective make all the difference. No one can see through your eyes and no one can understand what they haven't been through. I love Janice and always will. I love this new baby and I will be willing to do all the things I did for Janice for this baby. Does that change the fact that I lost Janice? No. Does that make the pain go away? No. Living life can be the hardest thing to do after the loss of a child. Watching friends and family have what you wanted, what you should have and knowing that you can't. Looking at family pictures and knowing that they are forever one short. Living with the heart break. Learning to carry on to live again. Learning to put on the face of the world and pretend that you are not jaded. Pretending that you haven't changed and that your view of the world hasn't changed when in reality nothing will ever be the same again.
Maybe I am strong because I am able to pick myself up and most days function like I am not overtaken with the pain of loss. Maybe I am strong in the way that I have been able to attempt at moving on in life. It is not an easy thing to do. It is not easy to take those steps and move towards the future knowing someone has been left in your past. It is hard to look to a future knowing that someone doesn't have a future anymore.
Janice was my life. Janice was what I lived for from 2009 to 2012. Living with a special child that needs you more than other children makes loosing them that much more harder. The first month you barely function. The second month you are numb. There is always something missing in everything you do. Don't get me wrong loosing a child, special or not is still debilitating and I wouldn't dare say that it is anything less.
Baby moving gives me hope. The baby is my future. Janice is now a part of me in a way I wish I didn't ever dream of her being. Sadly life goes on.
But I feel weak.
Everyone tells me I am was a good mom,
Yet I lost my child.
Everyone tells me I shouldn't blame myself,
But who else can I blame.
I carried her.
I failed her.
I should have been able to save her.
Life is cruel.
I loved her.
I cherished her.
I did all I could for her.
It wasn't enough.
I would have changed the world for her.
I would have given my life for her,
I wasn't given the choice.
Point of view and perspective make all the difference. No one can see through your eyes and no one can understand what they haven't been through. I love Janice and always will. I love this new baby and I will be willing to do all the things I did for Janice for this baby. Does that change the fact that I lost Janice? No. Does that make the pain go away? No. Living life can be the hardest thing to do after the loss of a child. Watching friends and family have what you wanted, what you should have and knowing that you can't. Looking at family pictures and knowing that they are forever one short. Living with the heart break. Learning to carry on to live again. Learning to put on the face of the world and pretend that you are not jaded. Pretending that you haven't changed and that your view of the world hasn't changed when in reality nothing will ever be the same again.
Maybe I am strong because I am able to pick myself up and most days function like I am not overtaken with the pain of loss. Maybe I am strong in the way that I have been able to attempt at moving on in life. It is not an easy thing to do. It is not easy to take those steps and move towards the future knowing someone has been left in your past. It is hard to look to a future knowing that someone doesn't have a future anymore.
Janice was my life. Janice was what I lived for from 2009 to 2012. Living with a special child that needs you more than other children makes loosing them that much more harder. The first month you barely function. The second month you are numb. There is always something missing in everything you do. Don't get me wrong loosing a child, special or not is still debilitating and I wouldn't dare say that it is anything less.
Baby moving gives me hope. The baby is my future. Janice is now a part of me in a way I wish I didn't ever dream of her being. Sadly life goes on.
Sunday 1 December 2013
Janice Last Christmas with gifts and Grumpy under tree
Janice & her presents with Grumpy under the tree @ Grandma's in Vernon
Janice's 4th Birthday
Janice's 4th Birthday. We released balloons from 3 different locations, these were from Popo's house.
September 15 2013
Shopping
Today Kevin and I went shopping at Safeway for a few necessities. Kevin grabbed a cart and suddenly I was back just over a year ago and we were at Extra Foods shopping with Janice. Janice was being fussy that night and we couldn't figure out why until we were at the check out. The whole trip I had been pushing her in her stroller and Kevin was pushing the shopping cart and Janice had wanted to be up in the shopping cart where she could see everything. Janice loved being up where she could look around and see everything. What seems to be what I did way to often I told Janice "next time".
Why did I always have to say "next time"? Why didn't we just take the time and take Janice around the store once more that night with her sitting up in the buggy where she wanted to be? I miss Janice so much. What I wouldn't give to have just a little more time with her.
This season is horrible to think that last year I was shopping ebay with Janice and she was so excited and happy. This year we are alone. This year I don't have my little girl to remind me of what Christmas is suppose to be about.
Why did I always have to say "next time"? Why didn't we just take the time and take Janice around the store once more that night with her sitting up in the buggy where she wanted to be? I miss Janice so much. What I wouldn't give to have just a little more time with her.
This season is horrible to think that last year I was shopping ebay with Janice and she was so excited and happy. This year we are alone. This year I don't have my little girl to remind me of what Christmas is suppose to be about.
Friday 29 November 2013
The Mask I Wear
I am finding it harder and harder to get up each morning and put on the mask that everything is good in the world. The world is not perfect! I lost my child 11 months ago and I still don't understand why. I post censored status' on Facebook and Twitter because I am sensitive to what others may or may not feel reading them. I attempt to go to family functions and smile and make like we are not missing someone but someone will always be missing, even if no one else seems to care or notice that we are one short.
Another baby is on the way but that doesn't change my feelings or my grief. Another baby doesn't change the fact that I lost a child. I am not a robot and I have feelings. When I ask for support it is because I need it when I ask for it, not the next day or a week later.
I wear a mask with a smile,
That says everything is OK.
I wear a mask with a laugh,
To hide my pain.
I wear a mask with no eyes,
To protect my soul.
I wear a mask with no tears,
To conceal my moist eyes.
I do all this to protect you,
So I don't hurt you,
So I don't make you feel uncomfortable,
I wear a mask.
No one notices.
No one cares.
The person you once knew is gone,
Buried with Janice.
I am a new person.
One jaded with grief and loss,
One that you will never know fully.
I am the one behind the masks,
The one that protects the real me,
From the cruelty of the world,
From the ignorance of the people.
From the insensitivity of those in the sunlight.
I wear a mask to make YOU comfortable.
Another baby is on the way but that doesn't change my feelings or my grief. Another baby doesn't change the fact that I lost a child. I am not a robot and I have feelings. When I ask for support it is because I need it when I ask for it, not the next day or a week later.
I wear a mask with a smile,
That says everything is OK.
I wear a mask with a laugh,
To hide my pain.
I wear a mask with no eyes,
To protect my soul.
I wear a mask with no tears,
To conceal my moist eyes.
I do all this to protect you,
So I don't hurt you,
So I don't make you feel uncomfortable,
I wear a mask.
No one notices.
No one cares.
The person you once knew is gone,
Buried with Janice.
I am a new person.
One jaded with grief and loss,
One that you will never know fully.
I am the one behind the masks,
The one that protects the real me,
From the cruelty of the world,
From the ignorance of the people.
From the insensitivity of those in the sunlight.
I wear a mask to make YOU comfortable.
Tuesday 26 November 2013
November 26th Ultrasound
I felt Janice with me. Got to wait for official report from my gyno tomorrow but the tech seemed happy. Baby's heart rate was in the 120's. Head down and legs up doing a headstand. Tech said he thinks he got the shot for gender, at the beginning the baby literally had the legs crossed but by the end... here is hoping tomorrow I can post gender.
Hearing the baby's heartbeat always makes me feel better and helps me relax.
Today, Nov. 27th, Dr. Adams confirmed growth, fluids, and doppler (aka heart rate) are all good. We are looking good for what I am thinking vaginal delivery. We are looking at around 34-38 weeks gestation for delivery. Still feeling baby move mostly in the pelvis but movement non the less and with everything looking good I am starting to relax.
Hearing the baby's heartbeat always makes me feel better and helps me relax.
Today, Nov. 27th, Dr. Adams confirmed growth, fluids, and doppler (aka heart rate) are all good. We are looking good for what I am thinking vaginal delivery. We are looking at around 34-38 weeks gestation for delivery. Still feeling baby move mostly in the pelvis but movement non the less and with everything looking good I am starting to relax.
I am allowed
I am allowed to be sad;
I am allowed to cry;
I am allowed to miss my daughter;
I am allowed to grieve;
I am allowed to want my daughter back;
I am allowed to have emotions;
I am allowed to show said emotions;
I am allowed to dream;
I am allowed to think about Janice;
I am allowed to talk about her with out feeling guilty because it makes others feel uncomfortable;
I am allowed to be angry because she is no longer with us;
I am allowed to be sad because I miss her;
I am allowed to be emotional because of what I have endured this past year.
I am a human being with emotions and a heart;
I am a mother;
I am a daughter;
I am a person trying to live after a tragedy;
I lived through the trauma of loosing a child;
I live with the reality that my child will never come home again;
I am allowed to cry;
I am allowed to miss my daughter;
I am allowed to grieve;
I am allowed to want my daughter back;
I am allowed to have emotions;
I am allowed to show said emotions;
I am allowed to dream;
I am allowed to think about Janice;
I am allowed to talk about her with out feeling guilty because it makes others feel uncomfortable;
I am allowed to be angry because she is no longer with us;
I am allowed to be sad because I miss her;
I am allowed to be emotional because of what I have endured this past year.
I am a human being with emotions and a heart;
I am a mother;
I am a daughter;
I am a person trying to live after a tragedy;
I lived through the trauma of loosing a child;
I live with the reality that my child will never come home again;
Sunday 24 November 2013
Memories - will be updating
Tonight after getting out of the shower I was reminded of a post a friend made on facebook about how difficult it gets to clean the bath tub which reminded me of one night Janice spent her bath taking a face cloth to the tub. It was so cute and she was so proud of herself.
I used to take her to build a bear when we went to BC Children's hospital and she built a butterfly which she preferred to wear the wings herself lol. On one of these trips we left with a make up kit and a medical kit for her "bug" as I called it and that visit to the Hospital she spent using the medical kit on herself and mommy in between all the tests and appointments. - I let her paternal Grandma have the bug as I wanted everyone that wanted something of Janice's to have something
Janice's first chair was a loner chair that arrived February-ish 2012. She fell in love with that chair even though we only had it for about 48 hours. She fell asleep in it. Most of the 48 hours she spent in it. When it came time to return it I remember she was exhausted and ready for a nap and as I carried her out of the Child Development Center she kept asking "chair? chair?" I rubbed her back and told her that they were going to "fix" her chair and maybe make it pink and she calmed and put her head on my shoulder. Janice wasn't quite the fan of her second chair which was red, closer to pink than the blue that her first one was. I think it was also harder for her to make go. Janice also took a few tumbles out of it as they forgot to give us the straps but Janice was still intrigued by it and even put her toys on it while she was on her board in the apartment. There is one picture where she has it decorated in toys and her "mitts" I miss Janice so much.
Janice never liked being covered up, unless she was the one doing it. Whether it was herself or her dolls or toys. Janice would use anything blanket like to cover up her dolls and toys from towels, blankets, sheets, facecloths, and clothes.
Janice once she was home used to wipe her forehead like she was wiping away sweat and say "hot, hot," and start trying to take off her clothes. Janice didn't like anything in clothes, her dolls all got stripped almost as soon as she got them. She was so independent and determined. Janice always knew what she wanted and asked for it. The only thing I don't think she said "hot" and tried to strip out of was her Christmas dress. The dress that she was laid to rest in.
I remember how smart my little girl, Janice was. She learned her body parts pretty quickly. Janice learned how to do the stairs in 1 day. Janice took to her board so fast it was so surprising. I remember one night I was playing with her pretending I didn't know where her feeding-tube went and she rolled over and pulled up her shirt and pointed; another night she put it in her mouth and sucked some milk from the tube. Janice was quiet but ever so smart. I am sure she would have driven us crazy by now with all the stuff she would've picked up this past year.
I used to take her to build a bear when we went to BC Children's hospital and she built a butterfly which she preferred to wear the wings herself lol. On one of these trips we left with a make up kit and a medical kit for her "bug" as I called it and that visit to the Hospital she spent using the medical kit on herself and mommy in between all the tests and appointments. - I let her paternal Grandma have the bug as I wanted everyone that wanted something of Janice's to have something
Janice's first chair was a loner chair that arrived February-ish 2012. She fell in love with that chair even though we only had it for about 48 hours. She fell asleep in it. Most of the 48 hours she spent in it. When it came time to return it I remember she was exhausted and ready for a nap and as I carried her out of the Child Development Center she kept asking "chair? chair?" I rubbed her back and told her that they were going to "fix" her chair and maybe make it pink and she calmed and put her head on my shoulder. Janice wasn't quite the fan of her second chair which was red, closer to pink than the blue that her first one was. I think it was also harder for her to make go. Janice also took a few tumbles out of it as they forgot to give us the straps but Janice was still intrigued by it and even put her toys on it while she was on her board in the apartment. There is one picture where she has it decorated in toys and her "mitts" I miss Janice so much.
Janice never liked being covered up, unless she was the one doing it. Whether it was herself or her dolls or toys. Janice would use anything blanket like to cover up her dolls and toys from towels, blankets, sheets, facecloths, and clothes.
Janice once she was home used to wipe her forehead like she was wiping away sweat and say "hot, hot," and start trying to take off her clothes. Janice didn't like anything in clothes, her dolls all got stripped almost as soon as she got them. She was so independent and determined. Janice always knew what she wanted and asked for it. The only thing I don't think she said "hot" and tried to strip out of was her Christmas dress. The dress that she was laid to rest in.
I remember how smart my little girl, Janice was. She learned her body parts pretty quickly. Janice learned how to do the stairs in 1 day. Janice took to her board so fast it was so surprising. I remember one night I was playing with her pretending I didn't know where her feeding-tube went and she rolled over and pulled up her shirt and pointed; another night she put it in her mouth and sucked some milk from the tube. Janice was quiet but ever so smart. I am sure she would have driven us crazy by now with all the stuff she would've picked up this past year.
Weekly ultrasounds
So for those that are curious the weekly ultrasounds are being done do to decreased maternal serums. From a report from the Genetic team in Vancouver it states that the uE3 and PAPP-A serums were both low and both have different possible complications.
The decreased uE3 can be related to placental dysfunction, fetal chromosome anomalies, or a normal pregnancy.
The decreased PAPP-A is associated with an increased risk of intrauterine growth restriction, prematurity, pre-eclampsia, and fetal death due to placental dysfunction.
If any abnormalities are detected, due to my previous test showing decreased maternal serum levels it would put me at a higher risk of intrauterine fetal demise.
I am trying to stay positive despite everything but unless you have been through losing a child and then going through a subsequent pregnancy please don't comment or attempt to "comfort" me.
Baby is very active which is good. I am tired to the point where I take daily naps that last about 3-5 hours that started about 4 days ago. I don't know if what I am feeling is anywhere close to normal or if I am just plain being paranoid. Then again how is any of what I am going through normal? Is losing a child normal? I have always hated that word "normal", what is the definition of normal?
Who decides what is normal? Or is it just majority rules?
NORMAL - adjective;
1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
The decreased uE3 can be related to placental dysfunction, fetal chromosome anomalies, or a normal pregnancy.
The decreased PAPP-A is associated with an increased risk of intrauterine growth restriction, prematurity, pre-eclampsia, and fetal death due to placental dysfunction.
If any abnormalities are detected, due to my previous test showing decreased maternal serum levels it would put me at a higher risk of intrauterine fetal demise.
I am trying to stay positive despite everything but unless you have been through losing a child and then going through a subsequent pregnancy please don't comment or attempt to "comfort" me.
Baby is very active which is good. I am tired to the point where I take daily naps that last about 3-5 hours that started about 4 days ago. I don't know if what I am feeling is anywhere close to normal or if I am just plain being paranoid. Then again how is any of what I am going through normal? Is losing a child normal? I have always hated that word "normal", what is the definition of normal?
Who decides what is normal? Or is it just majority rules?
NORMAL - adjective;
1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
2.
serving to establish a standard.
Tuesday November 26
I am not sure how I feel about Tuesday. Let me tell you why, firstly Tuesday November 26th marks 11 months since we lost Janice; secondly it will be my first of my weekly ultrasounds for baby and it is scheduled within an hour of Janice's time of death.
I have the feeling that this a sign of something I just don't know what it is. Part of me feels it is Janice telling me she is at peace, happy, and with her sibling and I and that Janice is looking out for her sibling. I don't know if I can go to this appointment by myself. This is going to be a very strong emotional day for me.
Janice is with me and I believe that but that doesn't make these days easier. It doesn't make the fall and winter pass any easier. Between all the birthdays, Thanks Giving, Halloween, Christmas, and the anniversary of Janice's passing is almost too much to bear. The fact that most of my family don't seem to understand how hard it is for me or the fact that having another baby doesn't take away the pain or hurt that I am going through over Janice and that the pain and hurt will never go away. At least that is how it seems from my side of looking glass.
I wish I had someway to validate that Janice is still with me and that she is happy and at peace with where she is and with what is happening in our lives. May Janice help keep her sibling safe.
I have the feeling that this a sign of something I just don't know what it is. Part of me feels it is Janice telling me she is at peace, happy, and with her sibling and I and that Janice is looking out for her sibling. I don't know if I can go to this appointment by myself. This is going to be a very strong emotional day for me.
Janice is with me and I believe that but that doesn't make these days easier. It doesn't make the fall and winter pass any easier. Between all the birthdays, Thanks Giving, Halloween, Christmas, and the anniversary of Janice's passing is almost too much to bear. The fact that most of my family don't seem to understand how hard it is for me or the fact that having another baby doesn't take away the pain or hurt that I am going through over Janice and that the pain and hurt will never go away. At least that is how it seems from my side of looking glass.
I wish I had someway to validate that Janice is still with me and that she is happy and at peace with where she is and with what is happening in our lives. May Janice help keep her sibling safe.
Thursday 21 November 2013
Late night questions
Why did I have to loose my little girl? What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve having to loose my little girl, Janice? I loved her. I cared for her. I would have done anything for her. She was so full of life, I don't understand. I wish I did. I wish that I could hold her and hug her and tell her how much I love her again.
It feels like she is fading into my memory. It is hard to hear Janice's voice. I can see her smile and even her laugh in the pictures. But they like Grumpy are just substitutes and poor substitutes at that. Nothing and no one can nor could they ever replace my little angel monkey. Janice was so determined and independent, she wouldn't have let anything stop her. Janice was such a bright soul to anyone she met and now she is gone. It has been almost 11 months and again I sit hear crying over a keyboard, pouring my thoughts out onto a digital piece of paper and wondering if anyone will remember Janice in a few years.
I know I will but the rest of the world moved on so fast after her passing that I wonder if anyone outside of her family will remember Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story's short, beautiful, amazing little life and how much she meant to us.
With each passing day, each holiday, each event that occurs I cry another tear knowing it has been that much longer since I was forced to say good-bye to Janice and my heart breaks all over again.
I know few can even fathom what I am going through let alone understanding the pain I feel on a daily basis. I get to watch all my friends and family having their happy perfect families and mine will forever be one short. I don't know if it is the truth that hurts more or the fact that no one not even family seems to understand how hard this is for me. That Christmas is no longer about Santa and presents and family but the last memories that we were able to make with Janice.
Sometimes I swear I can still hear her voice but when I go looking there is no one there. There will never be someone there. Everyone posts that they wish their children could stay children forever and all I want is to have my Janice back and to watch her grow up and see all the amazing things that she would be doing. I loved Janice. I wish I had spent more time with Janice. I wish I had more time with Janice. Even if I had just one more day with Janice to make sure she knew... that she knows how much I love her and miss her and what a difference she made in not only my life but those around her. Even if no one else remembers Janice her mommy and daddy will and she will forever be in our hearts, our memories and the story of her life engraved in our hearts.
Why?? Why did I have to loose my little girl? What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve having to loose my little girl, Janice? I loved her. I cared for her. I would have done anything for her. She was so full of life, I don't understand. I wish I did. I wish that I could hold her and hug her and tell her how much I love her again. Parents shouldn't outlive their children.
It feels like she is fading into my memory. It is hard to hear Janice's voice. I can see her smile and even her laugh in the pictures. But they like Grumpy are just substitutes and poor substitutes at that. Nothing and no one can nor could they ever replace my little angel monkey. Janice was so determined and independent, she wouldn't have let anything stop her. Janice was such a bright soul to anyone she met and now she is gone. It has been almost 11 months and again I sit hear crying over a keyboard, pouring my thoughts out onto a digital piece of paper and wondering if anyone will remember Janice in a few years.
I know I will but the rest of the world moved on so fast after her passing that I wonder if anyone outside of her family will remember Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story's short, beautiful, amazing little life and how much she meant to us.
With each passing day, each holiday, each event that occurs I cry another tear knowing it has been that much longer since I was forced to say good-bye to Janice and my heart breaks all over again.
I know few can even fathom what I am going through let alone understanding the pain I feel on a daily basis. I get to watch all my friends and family having their happy perfect families and mine will forever be one short. I don't know if it is the truth that hurts more or the fact that no one not even family seems to understand how hard this is for me. That Christmas is no longer about Santa and presents and family but the last memories that we were able to make with Janice.
Sometimes I swear I can still hear her voice but when I go looking there is no one there. There will never be someone there. Everyone posts that they wish their children could stay children forever and all I want is to have my Janice back and to watch her grow up and see all the amazing things that she would be doing. I loved Janice. I wish I had spent more time with Janice. I wish I had more time with Janice. Even if I had just one more day with Janice to make sure she knew... that she knows how much I love her and miss her and what a difference she made in not only my life but those around her. Even if no one else remembers Janice her mommy and daddy will and she will forever be in our hearts, our memories and the story of her life engraved in our hearts.
Why?? Why did I have to loose my little girl? What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve having to loose my little girl, Janice? I loved her. I cared for her. I would have done anything for her. She was so full of life, I don't understand. I wish I did. I wish that I could hold her and hug her and tell her how much I love her again. Parents shouldn't outlive their children.
Friday 15 November 2013
Reminding
There are days when all you want to do is cry. There are days that you wonder what life is really for. The tears seem endless and the road long, the world breaks your heart and continues to spin; just remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is always hope, no matter how long the night the dawn will come and there is a rainbow at the end of the storm.
I find that even after 10 months and 20 days I still have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason and God never gives us more than we can handle. Loosing Janice was devastating, I literally felt my heart break when I walked into the ER and saw Kevin holding her with tears fresh on his cheeks and he told me she was gone. That day I don’t think I will ever forget. I like to think that there was a reason for her leaving so soon and so suddenly but I don’t know what it is or if I will ever understand. Tears still stain my pillow some nights, Grumpy Bear is never far from my bed and if I go out of town he is always on the list.
I don’t know why I had to go through the tragedy of loosing Janice and then to have to hear that a friend of mine has a stillborn. I know that it is said “better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” but sometimes it is hard to see and no matter what doesn’t make the pain any easier. Others say that you can’t appreciate the good without the bad, you don’t know happiness unless you have known grief, but no matter how you say it nothing can take the scars away. Nothing can take the pain away. I know someone who lost a infant almost 40 years ago and still in the summer she still feels it and when she heard about Janice it sent her back all those years.
Don’t tell someone you understand unless you have walked in their shoes. Don’t tell someone it will get better without knowing and truly understanding what they are going through. Love lasts forever and sadly so does the grief of loosing a child.
There are days when all you want to do is cry. There are days that you wonder what life is really for. The tears seem endless and the road long, the world breaks your heart and continues to spin; just remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is always hope, no matter how long the night the dawn will come and there is a rainbow at the end of the storm.
I find that even after 10 months and 20 days I still have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason and God never gives us more than we can handle. Loosing Janice was devastating, I literally felt my heart break when I walked into the ER and saw Kevin holding her with tears fresh on his cheeks and he told me she was gone. That day I don’t think I will ever forget. I like to think that there was a reason for her leaving so soon and so suddenly but I don’t know what it is or if I will ever understand. Tears still stain my pillow some nights, Grumpy Bear is never far from my bed and if I go out of town he is always on the list.
I don’t know why I had to go through the tragedy of loosing Janice and then to have to hear that a friend of mine has a stillborn. I know that it is said “better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” but sometimes it is hard to see and no matter what doesn’t make the pain any easier. Others say that you can’t appreciate the good without the bad, you don’t know happiness unless you have known grief, but no matter how you say it nothing can take the scars away. Nothing can take the pain away. I know someone who lost a infant almost 40 years ago and still in the summer she still feels it and when she heard about Janice it sent her back all those years.
Don’t tell someone you understand unless you have walked in their shoes. Don’t tell someone it will get better without knowing and truly understanding what they are going through. Love lasts forever and sadly so does the grief of loosing a child.
Tuesday 12 November 2013
DON'T
Don't pretend to know what I am going through;
Don't pretend to know what it is like;
Don't tell me you understand;
When it is not your life.
Don't tell me you understand;
Don't tell me to dry my tears;
Don't tell me "next year";
Cause you don't know my fears.
You don't know what I go through;
You don't know how I hide the tears or the fears;
You don't know how my life has changed;
You don't know how long my nights have been.
You don't know why I cry;
You don't know the longing in my heart;
You don't know what it is like to loose a piece of your heart;
You don't know how many tears I've cried.
You don't know how it hurts;
Or how I force the smile,
When all the tears just want to fall.
The jealousy I feel watching on your wall.
Don't tell me to be patient;
Don't tell me not to cry;
Don't tell me what is good for me;
When I am still in Hell.
Yes, a baby is on it's way;
Yes, the sun will rise again;
Yes, there is a rainbow after the storm;
Yes, life does go on.
No, my child is not coming home;
No, my child will never grow up;
They will never know their siblings or their siblings know them,
Not the way I know mine and you know yours.
So don't tell me to dry my eyes;
Don't tell me these late nights are practice;
Cause you don't know my puffy eyes;
You don't know my pain.
I will force the smile;
I will give joy to this new bundle
I will continue in a life that I know is not the same;
I will find peace after war,
And heal my broken heart.
She will not be forgotten;
She will never be alone;
She will live forever in my heart
She will always be my Angel, Janice.
Always in my heart.
In memory of Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story
My Angel in Heaven and forever a part of me.
Don't pretend to know what it is like;
Don't tell me you understand;
When it is not your life.
Don't tell me you understand;
Don't tell me to dry my tears;
Don't tell me "next year";
Cause you don't know my fears.
You don't know what I go through;
You don't know how I hide the tears or the fears;
You don't know how my life has changed;
You don't know how long my nights have been.
You don't know why I cry;
You don't know the longing in my heart;
You don't know what it is like to loose a piece of your heart;
You don't know how many tears I've cried.
You don't know how it hurts;
Or how I force the smile,
When all the tears just want to fall.
The jealousy I feel watching on your wall.
Don't tell me to be patient;
Don't tell me not to cry;
Don't tell me what is good for me;
When I am still in Hell.
Yes, a baby is on it's way;
Yes, the sun will rise again;
Yes, there is a rainbow after the storm;
Yes, life does go on.
No, my child is not coming home;
No, my child will never grow up;
They will never know their siblings or their siblings know them,
Not the way I know mine and you know yours.
So don't tell me to dry my eyes;
Don't tell me these late nights are practice;
Cause you don't know my puffy eyes;
You don't know my pain.
I will force the smile;
I will give joy to this new bundle
I will continue in a life that I know is not the same;
I will find peace after war,
And heal my broken heart.
She will not be forgotten;
She will never be alone;
She will live forever in my heart
She will always be my Angel, Janice.
Always in my heart.
In memory of Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story
My Angel in Heaven and forever a part of me.
Monday 11 November 2013
Items left behind
I am finding myself filling with excitement of the new life growing inside me and yet as I continue the drawn out process of unpacking I continually finding things that I bought for Janice. Things that she will never get the use and in some cases see.
I don't understand how people get through this, how are people expected to go through and eventually give away the things that solidify their child was here. Janice left us 10 and a half months ago and apart from moving location her clothes are still in her dresser. The toys got placed in containers but are all still here. I dread going through them even with the impending birth of a new baby. I know I have to go through them before Janice's sibling arrives as some of the toys have small parts and are hazardous to infants but I find that it is the last piece the final thing to solidify that my baby girl isn't here any more. Yet her bubbles, her play-dough, her "bears", her crafts from school, her paints, still all exist and now are the only things that physically remain as reminders to the three years that my little girl was here.
I know Janice was more than possessions. She was my beautiful little angel; she was the light; Janice was so much more than anything of this world and she was taken from me... from us too soon.
When Janice passed I found comfort as well as tears in watching shows such as "Touched By An Angel" and "Twice In A Lifetime". Shows that are meant to remind us that God loves us and that we are never alone. I pray that my Angel Janice is happy and safe in Heaven with those that passed before her and that she knows how much she is loved and missed.
I don't understand how people get through this, how are people expected to go through and eventually give away the things that solidify their child was here. Janice left us 10 and a half months ago and apart from moving location her clothes are still in her dresser. The toys got placed in containers but are all still here. I dread going through them even with the impending birth of a new baby. I know I have to go through them before Janice's sibling arrives as some of the toys have small parts and are hazardous to infants but I find that it is the last piece the final thing to solidify that my baby girl isn't here any more. Yet her bubbles, her play-dough, her "bears", her crafts from school, her paints, still all exist and now are the only things that physically remain as reminders to the three years that my little girl was here.
I know Janice was more than possessions. She was my beautiful little angel; she was the light; Janice was so much more than anything of this world and she was taken from me... from us too soon.
When Janice passed I found comfort as well as tears in watching shows such as "Touched By An Angel" and "Twice In A Lifetime". Shows that are meant to remind us that God loves us and that we are never alone. I pray that my Angel Janice is happy and safe in Heaven with those that passed before her and that she knows how much she is loved and missed.
Sunday 3 November 2013
Staying Positive
I find this pregnancy difficult, for what I consider understandable reasons; Everyone however tells me to stay positive or next year. People need to understand that staying positive about this pregnancy that is full of worry and uncertainty is very hard. None of my friends can understand what I am going through because none of you went through giving birth to a special needs child, to love and get to know that child for three years only to have to bury them. None of you know the fear and emotions that come with getting pregnant again after that whether you planned the pregnancy or not. The fear that it will happen again, the emotions of remembering going through these same things with a child that isn't here any more.
No one can understand the change in meaning that Christmas now brings. It isn't one of wonder and magic and childhood memories, for me Christmas is now a reminder of the last days I got with Janice and of that horrible phone call. I pray that none of you have to go through what I have and am going through.
I find holidays the worst and October and December are so close and Christmas seems to start in November It is the worst time of the year. Working in retail where you see families daily doesn't help. I find myself jealous and angry; jealous that I can't have what they have and angry because Janice was taken from me. There are still days where all I can do is stare at the till to keep myself from breaking down and other times when I can't even do that.
I know Janice would want me to be happy and I know she would be ecstatic about becoming a big sister. I just find it hard because I keep thinking of what Janice would be doing and all the things she would want to "help" with.
I have gotten feedback at work that I make people feel uncomfortable by telling them about Janice. But again these people complaining whether it is the customers or co-workers haven't gone through what I have and by telling people before they ask works as a barrier of sorts.If I tell them I don't have to worry or deal with them asking "how is Janice?" which is harder to deal with and tends to result in me fighting back tears because I can't cry at work. But very few seem to understand or comprehend what I go through on a daily basis.
Writing feels like my only outlet as I don't like burdening others with my grief, worries, concerns, and emotional state. Christmas this year I think will be me keeping to myself in the apartment and if my family can't understand that then that is there problem.
So don't tell me you understand cause unless you have gone through what I have you have no idea of what I am going through. The emotional conflicts that happen between the grief I still feel for Janice and the excitement of this new baby. I can't even imagine the emotions I will experience on the anniversary or on the day I give birth to this new little one.
This post may seem a little broken but this is how I feel and how my thoughts came out. Leaving it at that.
Saturday 2 November 2013
Emotions
This move has been emotionally draining on me. I can’t stop thinking about Janice and what she should be doing, even thinking about baby seems to bring on the worries and what ifs. How am I suppose to make it though this? I still have two weeks left of work, which they are keeping my hours up but I am just so drained and low I just want to curl up and cry. No one understands. I feel so alone. I am doing all I can to hold myself together and still barely holding on. I miss Janice so much and I feel so lost without her. The impending anniversary is like knowing that the end is near and there is nothing you can do to avoid it.
This time of year is heart breaking between Halloween and Christmas. Everyone taking pictures and posting pictures of their kids in costume or with Santa. The stores filled with families. Everyone tells me wait till next year, next year doesn’t help with this year. I feel like screaming but instead I end up crying. I am at work and barely functioning. I can’t afford to go home. I feel broken.
So many people say I am strong but I am barely hanging on. This pregnancy has me happy and sad and everything in-between all together. I feel so strung out and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so helpless and scared that I will have to go through it all over again. I pray that Janice is looking out for her sibling.
Thursday 31 October 2013
Halloween
This is the first Halloween since Janice's birth that she hasn't been dressed up to go trick or treating, why? Because she isn't here. My little girl had 4 Halloweens of dressing up and trick or treating. I wish she could be out trick or treating now.
I am at work for the second Halloween since Janice's birth. Last year I thought Janice was going as a butterfly with red wings but the antena ended up being a halo. Kevin took her out last year. She even got to have her face painted at daycare. This is technically the second Halloween I missed but this is the first one that I knew she wasn't out there like other kids her age.
Janice's first halloween I didn't actually think of it til the last minute and spur of the moment put her in a "Maria" from "Aristocats" jacket and took her out. I don't remember what she went as in 2010, but I have pictures. 2011 she was a fairy with white wings and a wand. Janice got fasinated by the glow sticks. So in total at least 2 years she had wings.
Janice loved dressing up her Christmas dress was the most memorable. I remember she would be dressed and happy then all of a sudden she would come out with her Christmas dress half on asking for "help". Then she would get "hot" and want it off and so the cycle went. I miss my little girl. I think she would have wanted to be a care "bear" this year. Janice loved those "bears" so much. She had almost all of them waiting for her to open Christmas day but she was just so tired. What did I miss? I had to have missed something. Some indication that something was wrong. Why did I have to loose my little angel? Janice, mommy misses you so much.
So now I am at work till close and missing Janice with tears slipping down my cheeks. Everyone asked me why I didn't dress up today or how I am? No one can understand what each holiday is like for me this year, as maybe two people I know have ever lost a child. Most of my family doesn't even seem to understand. I made the mistake of going on Facebook today and seeing everyone posting their children's halloween pics/costumes. I wish I had one to post. Everyone keeps saying next year but do they realize how hard THIS year is? Maybe I am just being too sensitive but I miss my little girl and there is no bandaid or fix for that. Don't tell me to smile, get over it, or that it will get better unless you have gone through what I have gone through this year.
Friday 18 October 2013
Understanding or lack there of
I don't understand it. I find myself jealous. Jealous of all the people in the stores and on facebook that get to keep their children. The ones that get to have those cute pictures of the older child tormenting the younger on. The people who don't know what I go through on a daily basis to just get up sometimes. Janice was so sweet and innocent and all she ever seemed to want was to spend time with mommy. But mommy had to work and then one day Janice wasn't there any more and my heart broke. I cry for every moment lost with her, for every Kodak moment that was missed.
I hate myself for feeling like this and I hate myself for crying at my loss when others are just trying to share their happy moments.
I have to stop myself from crying when I go shopping and I see something I know Janice would want. I cry when I buy Janice's Christmas present four months early and don't have to worry that she will find it before Christmas. I cry at her empty room that Janice should be sleeping in. I almost cried while driving up the hill to do some late shopping because I know Janice would want to go with me and then fall asleep in the car preventing my shopping trip. I cry when I think of how I would end up postponing the shopping to read to her till she fell asleep and then go and do what I needed to do. I cry at the fact that Janice will never meet her sibling and they never meet her.
I try to stay happy and upbeat for this little one growing inside but I find some days the grief is still so crippling that I just want to curl up in bed with Grumpy and cry. I try to tell myself there was nothing I could have done as that last month runs through my mind over and over again. I try to tell myself of how hard her life would have been, but no one knows that for sure. Janice sure wasn't going to let anything stop her.
How will I explain the tears to this little one? How do you smile while telling them about their beautiful angel sister while inside you miss her so much you don't know how you make it through each day? How do you pretend that everything is OK when all you can think about is how you lost your child? How do you go on when everything you do you think what would Janice be doing or what would Janice do?
I am told that someday the tears stop and the sun will shine again on your smiling face. I just can't feel the sun for the rain no matter what I do. Sometimes when I talk about this new life inside me I can see the sun peaking out and sometimes I can feel Janice's arms around me and feel the light that she used to create with her smiles... I miss you so much Janice.
I hate myself for feeling like this and I hate myself for crying at my loss when others are just trying to share their happy moments.
I have to stop myself from crying when I go shopping and I see something I know Janice would want. I cry when I buy Janice's Christmas present four months early and don't have to worry that she will find it before Christmas. I cry at her empty room that Janice should be sleeping in. I almost cried while driving up the hill to do some late shopping because I know Janice would want to go with me and then fall asleep in the car preventing my shopping trip. I cry when I think of how I would end up postponing the shopping to read to her till she fell asleep and then go and do what I needed to do. I cry at the fact that Janice will never meet her sibling and they never meet her.
I try to stay happy and upbeat for this little one growing inside but I find some days the grief is still so crippling that I just want to curl up in bed with Grumpy and cry. I try to tell myself there was nothing I could have done as that last month runs through my mind over and over again. I try to tell myself of how hard her life would have been, but no one knows that for sure. Janice sure wasn't going to let anything stop her.
How will I explain the tears to this little one? How do you smile while telling them about their beautiful angel sister while inside you miss her so much you don't know how you make it through each day? How do you pretend that everything is OK when all you can think about is how you lost your child? How do you go on when everything you do you think what would Janice be doing or what would Janice do?
I am told that someday the tears stop and the sun will shine again on your smiling face. I just can't feel the sun for the rain no matter what I do. Sometimes when I talk about this new life inside me I can see the sun peaking out and sometimes I can feel Janice's arms around me and feel the light that she used to create with her smiles... I miss you so much Janice.
Thursday 17 October 2013
Pre-Halloween thoughts
Well decorations are everywhere and Thanks Giving has passed, I guess there is no denying Halloween is only a week and a bit away.
My birthday was the same as always only with someone missing. I kept thinking of Janice as we cut and ate the cake. Thinking of how she would be sticking her fingers in the icing and getting covered in chocolate. Then when Goong Goong cut his finger helping Kevin move the old tv, I aware I could almost hear Janice saying "help?" And asking "doong doong, boo boo?"
The trip to the ER for stitches was hard as it was the first time up there since her passing.
With all the Halloween comments on Facebook make me think of Janice and what she would want to be this year. I know she would be telling me what she wanted to be this year. No more mommy deciding.
I miss you so much Janice and I keep wondering what you would be getting into now. I feel bad for not making the time for more pictures and videos as I strain sometimes to remember how you would say something and the sound of your voice. This has been a hard year without you.
Thursday 10 October 2013
Long night
It has been a while since I have done this. It is almost 1AM I started this at 1230 on my phone and then the app stopped and deleted everything. I don't know why I am still up. Maybe it is the move or my upcoming leave, or maybe I am just missing Janice. I don't know. Moving from this apartment, Janice's home feels a lot like when I had to leave her that final night. I wonder how long she lay there until the nurse collected her to take her downstairs. I miss her so much. I know there was nothing I could do but I still feel like I failed her. Part of me feels like I am being punished for some unknown cosmic reason, why else was my little angel taken from us?
Janice was so happy and full of life I still don't understand what happened. I make rational deductions and I know what the doctors say but it doesn't help Just like when I see everyone on facebook posting things Janice should be doing or would be doing. It is torture sometimes seeing how everyone else gets to have those family moments and pics of all their kids together. Something I will never get and then I get people looking at me and wondering why I don't say anything or comment ... it is cause sometimes all I want to say is "do you know what I would give..." Don't get me wrong I am not writing this to make anyone feel guilty but it is hard when no one seems to understand where i am coming from. Even my own family sometimes doesn't realize how hard it is for me to do the family thing because I have to put on a smile and pretend that I am happy watching my nieces play and tell me stories when all I want to do is cry.
Even this baby I have growing inside me brings tears to my eyes knowing that they will never get to know their big sister like I know my siblings. That I will never get those family pictures of all my children together. I know Janice wants me to be happy and that she is up in heaven playing in the clouds pretending it is Care-a-lot but I still miss her. I still want to wake up to her calling me, to be able to go in her room and see her cuddling as many "bears" as she can while patting a spot for me to join her. What I wouldn't give for her to be making me curl into a quarter of the bed as she is stealing my pillow, to be able to watch her sleep.
So many people don't realize how lucky they are.
The ultrasound and blood work tell me that this baby is fine and I know that it is not Janice nor would I want it to be. I don't want a replacement. I want a healthy little one that will grow up to be their own person, but I still want them to know their big sister and everything about her. I want them to know that no matter where they go they have someone watching out for them. I just wish that they could have met her and gotten to know her themselves. That I could be complaining right now about how Janice is wanting to "help" with everything and commenting on how excited she is to be a big sister.
I don't know if the tears will ever stop or if someday I will be able to smile without the sad though of wishing Janice was here. All I can do is try to make it day by day and maybe someday I will be able to finish Janice's scrapbooks with a smile on my face.
Janice was so happy and full of life I still don't understand what happened. I make rational deductions and I know what the doctors say but it doesn't help Just like when I see everyone on facebook posting things Janice should be doing or would be doing. It is torture sometimes seeing how everyone else gets to have those family moments and pics of all their kids together. Something I will never get and then I get people looking at me and wondering why I don't say anything or comment ... it is cause sometimes all I want to say is "do you know what I would give..." Don't get me wrong I am not writing this to make anyone feel guilty but it is hard when no one seems to understand where i am coming from. Even my own family sometimes doesn't realize how hard it is for me to do the family thing because I have to put on a smile and pretend that I am happy watching my nieces play and tell me stories when all I want to do is cry.
Even this baby I have growing inside me brings tears to my eyes knowing that they will never get to know their big sister like I know my siblings. That I will never get those family pictures of all my children together. I know Janice wants me to be happy and that she is up in heaven playing in the clouds pretending it is Care-a-lot but I still miss her. I still want to wake up to her calling me, to be able to go in her room and see her cuddling as many "bears" as she can while patting a spot for me to join her. What I wouldn't give for her to be making me curl into a quarter of the bed as she is stealing my pillow, to be able to watch her sleep.
So many people don't realize how lucky they are.
The ultrasound and blood work tell me that this baby is fine and I know that it is not Janice nor would I want it to be. I don't want a replacement. I want a healthy little one that will grow up to be their own person, but I still want them to know their big sister and everything about her. I want them to know that no matter where they go they have someone watching out for them. I just wish that they could have met her and gotten to know her themselves. That I could be complaining right now about how Janice is wanting to "help" with everything and commenting on how excited she is to be a big sister.
I don't know if the tears will ever stop or if someday I will be able to smile without the sad though of wishing Janice was here. All I can do is try to make it day by day and maybe someday I will be able to finish Janice's scrapbooks with a smile on my face.
Tuesday 24 September 2013
Baby movements
Today my doctor asked me what I have felt for baby movements and I told him it was hard to describe. Keeping in mind I wasn't able to feel Janice move. Although she made sure her dad knew she was in there.
The first movement was a bubble popping at the top of my belly at about 14 weeks. Since then I have seen my belly do waves (best way I can describe). I have felt isolated burning or bruises inside my belly smaller that my palm. I have felt what feels like baby rolling over in there. Sometimes it feels like a a finger tracing from one side to the other in the inside.
Although according to my measuring tape the same size around as with Janice but doctors are in agreement that I am measuring right on schedule and remind me that second time around you show earlier. Also as I am feeling movement I shouldn't be worried about spina bifida because there doesn't appear to be any additional liquid hiding the movement.
It is a very interesting feeling seeing and feeling movement in your body that you aren't making.
Monday 23 September 2013
September 2013
With Janice’s birthday come and gone and Christmas coming up, I find myself in a rut. Don’t get me wrong I know a baby is on the way and I can’t wait but that doesn’t change the fact that I miss Janice. I can’t help but wonder what new things she would be doing now. What she would be into? Would she still be in to her “Bears”? Would she be excited about being a big sister? How would she be now?
Janice’s birthday was one of the hardest days so far. I struggled on Mother’s Day but Janice’s birthday was worse. I can’t imagine what Christmas and Boxing Day will be like. I find myself still mentally shopping for Janice. What I would have bought her for her birthday and what would be on her Christmas list.
I can’t believe how fast this year has gone by. I still have days when it feels like just yesterday I was watching her play in that big plastic container and Grandma and Gramps. Janice was so happy and full of life Christmas Eve. I still can’t make sense of how fast that changed. Despite the over one thousand pictures and videos I have of Janice they don’t seem enough. I still find myself asking how a child so full of life and happiness could have left so soon. It might be a little pathetic but I still keep Grumpy at my bedside so that I can grab him and hold him when I miss her and can’t sleep. I still sometimes have to fight the urge to bring him to work or out wherever we are going.
It is going to be a fine line raising this little one to know their big sister Janice without them feeling like they are in her shadow or replacing her. No one can replace Janice and no one is expected to. I am told it will get easier but I think it is just more good days than bad than getting easier. You will always miss them. It is just a difference of their memories bringing tears or smiles. This week it is tears but I know my little angel, Janice is looking down smiling and in her own way trying to tell me that she is ok and happy. I just miss Janice’s voice, her laugh, the sound of her rolling around on her board, holding her and getting hugs, and seeing her beautiful smile. It is the little things you miss. The things that everyone takes for granted the things people complain about.
Sunday 15 September 2013
Janice's 4th Birthday
Today, Janice would be celebrating her 4th Birthday. It is the first birthday since her passing last Christmas, and it is hard. I can't imagine it getting easier. I miss Janice so much. I pray that Janice knows how much I loved her and likes her birthday present. I will never forget her.
Janice's smile, her determination, her inspiring personality. Janice was such an inspiration. I find myself wondering what she would be doing now; what new things she would have learned; how excited she would be about becoming a big sister. Wondering what Bear she would want to/ be willing to give her little sibling. So many things that I wish she would get to experience. I can't go shopping without seeing things I know she would have liked and/or wanted.
Janice's smile, her determination, her inspiring personality. Janice was such an inspiration. I find myself wondering what she would be doing now; what new things she would have learned; how excited she would be about becoming a big sister. Wondering what Bear she would want to/ be willing to give her little sibling. So many things that I wish she would get to experience. I can't go shopping without seeing things I know she would have liked and/or wanted.
Wednesday 28 August 2013
The Unasked Question
It has been 8 months and 2 days and her birthday is just over 2 weeks away. I know that but I know that I still miss her; my heart and soul still long for my daughter; Janice was my world she meant everything to me and she was ripped from my arms without warning.
I know people still look at me with a question burning in their mind. I know that I have gone back to work and that I put up the front that everything is OK, but truth is I still look into her room every time I pass it to check on her, at night I look in with part of me expecting to see her sleeping on her bed surrounded by her bears. I still cry in the shower where the water can was away my tears because I can't hear her asking "done?"
Most days I strain to hear her calling me or asking "hand?" or "help" and I just want to curl in a ball and cry. Sometimes I hear a child's voice and I look hoping to see Janice, I know she is gone but your heart still wants to believe. What is life without hope? I hate it that people tell me it will get easier or that time heals. Not many people can understand my loss and I pray even fewer have to experience it. The crushing pain of loosing your child and knowing there was nothing you could have done. I have come to these realizations but they don't take away the pain, they don't make the longing any less.
I know my little girl is in heaven. I know that life will continue with or without me. I know that there was a reason for her life and I pray someday I will know the reason I lost her so young. I am getting better, I am healing. The scars will last a lifetime, and the tears will never be completely dry. I will find a balanced way for Janice's siblings to know their angelic big sister. And someday I will be with my little angel again.
So don't worry about me for even though I will have good days and bad days I know Janice is with me sharing her strength and determination. Someday I will get through this rain storm and I will find a rainbow at the other end.
Janice wait for mommy at Journey's End, as mommy forever looks to the heavens to see you again. Know you were loved and will forever be in our hearts and missed. Janice you were an inspiration to so many and would have done so much more if given the time.
Forever loved, missed and cared for, Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story.
Wednesday 21 August 2013
Changes
I am happy to be expanding our family again, I just wish that Janice was here to share in it with us. Janice would have been so excited and happy. I just don't know how to keep her with me without her overshadowing her sibling. I wish that they could have the relationship that I know they would have had had Janice not passed so suddenly. I just feel so lost without my baby girl.
I worry that there could be complications with this baby too. I don't know if I could survive loosing another child, not that I think I will. There are just so many variables and I don't know.
Yesterday, I saw my doctor and he was happy with how things are going. I got to hear the baby's heart beat. I still find some days easier than others. This new life inside me gives me hope for the future while i still struggle with the devastating loss. I know Janice would be thrilled at the prospect of being a big sister and would have done a marvelous job at it too.
I worry that there could be complications with this baby too. I don't know if I could survive loosing another child, not that I think I will. There are just so many variables and I don't know.
Yesterday, I saw my doctor and he was happy with how things are going. I got to hear the baby's heart beat. I still find some days easier than others. This new life inside me gives me hope for the future while i still struggle with the devastating loss. I know Janice would be thrilled at the prospect of being a big sister and would have done a marvelous job at it too.
Wednesday 3 July 2013
Grieving and Guilt
I try to make myself believe that Janice's passing was not my fault. I try to tell myself that there was nothing I could do to change it. But the truth is I blame myself. I blame myself for not being able to do the one thing women are suppose to be able to do, the one thing that we are built for and that is to carry a child to term healthy and able. I blame myself for not noticing something was wrong with her in the days leading up to her passing. I try to believe that even if she had been at the hospital that they still wouldn't have been able to save her but part of me keeps saying that there is a chance she would have survived.
I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed Janice. I failed in how I carried her during the pregnancy and I failed her when I wasn't there when she passed. I failed Janice by not knowing something was wrong.
I don\t know how to shake these feelings. I don't know why I can't believe the logical side in this. I even tried telling myself that Janice's passing had nothing to do with me, that it was just her time. That she had done what she needed to in that short 3 years. That although she wasn't in pain her passing was to save her from the trials and difficulties that would have come later in life. But nothing helps I still miss my little angel. I still want my little girl back in my arms.
At night I keep wanting to go into her room and check on her. Then reality hits again and I remember she isn't there and will never be there again. I know she is always with me but that doesn't help. I will never see her grow up, I will never get to see her at her first day of school or her graduation. There are so many things I prepared myself not to have with her and yet with her passing the number is astronomical.
When she was born I comforted myself by saying "everything happens for a reason" and "God never gives you more than you can handle" but I just don't understand why I had to go through this. I don't know how I am surviving.
Janice was such a happy little girl, you never would have known that she couldn't do something because she was so independent and determined. Janice was my little Can Do girl, and mommy will forever miss you sweetie.
I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed Janice. I failed in how I carried her during the pregnancy and I failed her when I wasn't there when she passed. I failed Janice by not knowing something was wrong.
I don\t know how to shake these feelings. I don't know why I can't believe the logical side in this. I even tried telling myself that Janice's passing had nothing to do with me, that it was just her time. That she had done what she needed to in that short 3 years. That although she wasn't in pain her passing was to save her from the trials and difficulties that would have come later in life. But nothing helps I still miss my little angel. I still want my little girl back in my arms.
At night I keep wanting to go into her room and check on her. Then reality hits again and I remember she isn't there and will never be there again. I know she is always with me but that doesn't help. I will never see her grow up, I will never get to see her at her first day of school or her graduation. There are so many things I prepared myself not to have with her and yet with her passing the number is astronomical.
When she was born I comforted myself by saying "everything happens for a reason" and "God never gives you more than you can handle" but I just don't understand why I had to go through this. I don't know how I am surviving.
Janice was such a happy little girl, you never would have known that she couldn't do something because she was so independent and determined. Janice was my little Can Do girl, and mommy will forever miss you sweetie.
Friday 28 June 2013
Kids VS Babies
I find it so frustrating that when I go looking for supports and articles on the web everything is about loosing a baby or miscarrying. None of them have to do to with losing a child. They all talk about SIDS but, nothing about loosing a child that you've had time to grow and know and see their personality.
Janice wasn't just a baby or an embryo. Janice was a smart and sweet, loving little girl who loved Max, Bears, Balloons, Mike, Caillou, Curious George, Bernstein bears, and babies. She had a contagious personality that lit up a room, her cute laugh, and beautiful smile. My little blonde, blue eyed Asian was so much more that a baby, She was a bright little girl.
I feel so alone.There are so few people that will ever know what I have gone through these past 7 months. I would never wish it on my worst enemy. I don't know how I survived. I still have days when I don't want to get up or do anything. I still sometimes find myself thinking Janice is just at daycare or at Popo's, then it all comes back to me and I feel like crumbling to the floor in tears.
I wish I could have Janice back in my arms, hear her voice calling me. Listen to her try to do her alphabet that her dad was teaching her. Janice was so intelligent and innocent. She was independent and so Janice. Janice was going to do everything her way or not at all. Janice was as a friend said like Harmony Bear, Janice sang her own song to her own tune in her own time.
Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story will forever be missed and loved.
Janice wasn't just a baby or an embryo. Janice was a smart and sweet, loving little girl who loved Max, Bears, Balloons, Mike, Caillou, Curious George, Bernstein bears, and babies. She had a contagious personality that lit up a room, her cute laugh, and beautiful smile. My little blonde, blue eyed Asian was so much more that a baby, She was a bright little girl.
I feel so alone.There are so few people that will ever know what I have gone through these past 7 months. I would never wish it on my worst enemy. I don't know how I survived. I still have days when I don't want to get up or do anything. I still sometimes find myself thinking Janice is just at daycare or at Popo's, then it all comes back to me and I feel like crumbling to the floor in tears.
I wish I could have Janice back in my arms, hear her voice calling me. Listen to her try to do her alphabet that her dad was teaching her. Janice was so intelligent and innocent. She was independent and so Janice. Janice was going to do everything her way or not at all. Janice was as a friend said like Harmony Bear, Janice sang her own song to her own tune in her own time.
Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story will forever be missed and loved.
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