Missing and Reliving

I miss Janice and even have dreamed about her this week which is both beautiful and painful. Beautiful because I get to be with Janice if only in my dreams; but painful because I still have to wake to the reality that she is no longer here. Even knowing this baby is on its way doesn't take away the longing and missing Janice.

My Grandma told me today that my Grandfather keeps trying to all but build a shrine for Janice. She puts some of the stuffed animals away leaving just a few out and my grandfather gets them out again. She has two pictures of Janice framed in the bedroom for him. She moved a picture of Janice to a different spot and he got on her case about taking down the picture (he is legally blind). I almost feel that he is grieving Janice worse than I am. And it hurts me to know that he is hurting so much and there is nothing I can do to help relieve the pain. I didn't directly cause it but feel responsible for the pain and grief he is going through.

I had a friend that had a stillborn a month ago and I am doing my best to support and help her as much as I can, but I am finding it difficult between the anniversary and holiday festivities and watching/listening to her go through all the pain of the first month. Seeing her go through it is almost a trigger for me as it sends me back in my memories to those first few months and how hard it is to try to go back to living life after loss. The public break downs that make you wish you could disappear. The looks people give you because they don't know what to say or do; or because they don't know what you are going through and notice you are acting different. It breaks my heart and apart from being there and messaging her and giving moral support doesn't seem enough.

I know what it is like to be without a child that you are suppose to have. I know what it is like to cry over an empty form wishing with all your being that they would wake up or that you would wake up and it all be a horrible nightmare. I know what it is like to feel your heart break inside your chest. I know the pain of real loss. I know how cruel life can be and to not have anyone understand the devastation that you go through. To have to listen to people's half a$$ attempts to comfort you when there is no way to comfort you or heal your broken heart. People mean well but without going through the traumatic and devastating loss of loosing a child they don't know and can't understand the pain and longing that is now a daily life long reality for those who have children in heaven.

I have seen a commercial recently about teen suicide and it says " life with a teen is hard but life without one is harder". But life without any child that is taken too soon is unspeakable and you wish no one had to go through. I would give almost anything to have Janice back in my arms.