Point of View

Everyone tells me I am strong,
But I feel weak.
Everyone tells me I am was a good mom,
Yet I lost my child.
Everyone tells me I shouldn't blame myself,
But who else can I blame.
I carried her.
I failed her.
I should have been able to save her. 

Life is cruel.
I loved her.
I cherished her.
I did all I could for her.
It wasn't enough.
I would have changed the world for her.
I would have given my life for her,
I wasn't given the choice.

Point of view and perspective make all the difference. No one can see through your eyes and no one can understand what they haven't been through. I love Janice and always will. I love this new baby and I will be willing to do all the things I did for Janice for this baby. Does that change the fact that I lost Janice? No. Does that make the pain go away? No. Living life can be the hardest thing to do after the loss of a child. Watching friends and family have what you wanted, what you should have and knowing that you can't. Looking at family pictures and knowing that they are forever one short. Living with the heart break. Learning to carry on to live again. Learning to put on the face of the world and pretend that you are not jaded. Pretending that you haven't changed and that your view of the world hasn't changed when in reality nothing will ever be the same again. 

Maybe I am strong because I am able to pick myself up and most days function like I am not overtaken with the pain of loss. Maybe I am strong in the way that I have been able to attempt at moving on in life. It is not an easy thing to do. It is not easy to take those steps and move towards the future knowing someone has been left in your past. It is hard to look to a future knowing that someone doesn't have a future anymore. 

Janice was my life. Janice was what I lived for from 2009 to 2012. Living with a special child that needs you more than other children makes loosing them that much more harder. The first month you barely function. The second month you are numb. There is always something missing in everything you do. Don't get me wrong loosing a child, special or not is still debilitating and I wouldn't dare say that it is anything less. 

Baby moving gives me hope. The baby is my future. Janice is now a part of me in a way I wish I didn't ever dream of her being. Sadly life goes on.