I used to love Christmas. I slept under the tree till I moved out and didn't have a tree of my own. I shook the presents and made guesses as to what was in each of mine. I pilled all mine together to get to them faster. I woke up by 6 AM without an alarm clock. I believed in Santa until I became an adult.
Last year changed everything. When Janice passed away with all but 2 of her presents still wrapped, I don't know if I will be able to open presents this year without crying. Last year after Janice passed we had to sit down and open all the presents without her knowing how much she would have liked what she got. How can Christmas presents mean the same thing after a Christmas like last year.
I know next Christmas I will have to start working on getting back into the season for Janice's sibling but this year Christmas feels like throwing salt on an open wound. I want to cry just thinking about what used to be one of the happiest holidays of the year. So many good memories and on devastatingly traumatic one has cast a shadow on everything previous. How cruel the world can be.
I can still picture Janice playing under the tree last year. She was so happy and interested in the tree and ornaments. It was almost like her first Christmas when all she cared about was the lights. I think Janice would have been like me, sleeping under the tree, up before the sun, if she slept. Christmas and presents don't have the same effect on me any more. They used to bring me joy and now they bring me tears.
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