Grieving

Since becoming a mother I have found that I have done a lot of grieving. I grieved for all the things that Janice wouldn't be able to do because of her spina bifida. I grieved the fact that Janice had spina bifida. Then when I thought I was done grieving and had come to terms with what Janice's life was meant to be and was finding joy in the things that she found happiness in, then we lost her. I then began grieving the loss of my daughter Janice. I still don't understand why we had to loose her. Now I find that I am again grieving. This time I am grieving the relationship that my daughters will never get to have. The sisterly bond and connection that all sisters should share that my daughters will not get to experience.

So much grieving in such a short time. It isn't fair.

Abbygail Deanna Lee Story

Janice's little sister Abbygail Deanna Lee was born on January 22, 2014 at 901pm weighing 8lbs 8oz. She was delivered by c-section because the doctors were worried about the fluid levels in the ultrasound on Tuesday. She was born at 36 weeks and 3 days. She spent two nights in the nursery and yesterday afternoon she was allowed to join me in my room. Finally today at about 3pm we were both released from hospital.
I thought I was doing so well but during supper I lost my appetite and tried to lay down which failed and I ended up breaking down further. I am on the verge of tears having already broken the dams. I feel shaky and can't eat. I am sore and achy and not from the surgery. I feel like I am having a panic attack and don't understand why.