I know people still look at me with a question burning in their mind. I know that I have gone back to work and that I put up the front that everything is OK, but truth is I still look into her room every time I pass it to check on her, at night I look in with part of me expecting to see her sleeping on her bed surrounded by her bears. I still cry in the shower where the water can was away my tears because I can't hear her asking "done?"
Most days I strain to hear her calling me or asking "hand?" or "help" and I just want to curl in a ball and cry. Sometimes I hear a child's voice and I look hoping to see Janice, I know she is gone but your heart still wants to believe. What is life without hope? I hate it that people tell me it will get easier or that time heals. Not many people can understand my loss and I pray even fewer have to experience it. The crushing pain of loosing your child and knowing there was nothing you could have done. I have come to these realizations but they don't take away the pain, they don't make the longing any less.
I know my little girl is in heaven. I know that life will continue with or without me. I know that there was a reason for her life and I pray someday I will know the reason I lost her so young. I am getting better, I am healing. The scars will last a lifetime, and the tears will never be completely dry. I will find a balanced way for Janice's siblings to know their angelic big sister. And someday I will be with my little angel again.
So don't worry about me for even though I will have good days and bad days I know Janice is with me sharing her strength and determination. Someday I will get through this rain storm and I will find a rainbow at the other end.
Janice wait for mommy at Journey's End, as mommy forever looks to the heavens to see you again. Know you were loved and will forever be in our hearts and missed. Janice you were an inspiration to so many and would have done so much more if given the time.
Forever loved, missed and cared for, Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story.
