Welcome

Welcome to my blog which is about my family and I and how we deal with what life throws at us, which includes my daughter and her disabilities related to her spina bifida and her death on December 26 2012.

Wednesday 30 January 2013

Healing

A little over a month and I think I am starting to heal. Or at least have a good day without feeling guilty. I got up, dressed, and out today. Then when I got home relaxed with some TV with Kevin. Kevin had to step out for a few and instead of going with him I did about half an hour of kenect. I didn't last as long as I would have liked but I feel good for getting the exercise. 

I still have days like yesterday that I don't want to get up or do anything. There are still days when opening my eyes is hard, because I don't want to live in the truth , the harsh reality that my daughter is never coming home again. 

How can anyone move on after that? Loosing a child is one of the hardest things to go through in life and to loose them without knowing why. Everyone looses someone but to loose someone who had barely begun to live... 

Janice was so much more than a baby. She was a love and a light in this world; loosing her will forever scar my heart. This is not a scar I want to bare nor one I wish I could ever have. My heart still aches and my eyes still burn with tears shed and unshed. I don't know if those pains will ever go away. 

The thought of another child makes me smile but something in me accuses me of replacing Janice. I know in my heart that isn't what I would be doing. But I can't shake it. Janice would have made a wonderful big sister and one day I know in my heart she will be a big sister but she will be watching over them from the heavens while they look to the stars to see her. 

Healing, I don't know if you can ever heal after the death of a child you just learn to deal with the loss, the shadows and the whispers. You put a band aid on your heart and you go step by step hoping that you will have the strength to make it through the next day.

Tuesday 29 January 2013

Time

Time is a funny thing. Nothing seems to be able to stop it and yet at times it seems to stand still. Like now Janice has been gone for a month and 3 days and yet sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday that it was Christmas and I was holding my smiling little bundle of joy. She was so full of life and to have lost her so suddenly I am at a loss. 

Time the one thing you never know how much you have until it is gone, and you always wish you had more. What would you do if you knew you only had 3 years 3 months and 11 days with your child? 

Janice was so happy, smart, determined, and inspiring. She always knew what she wanted and went for it. Janice inspired more people than I am aware of. She never let anyone hold her back. She wasn't going to let anyone stop her. In her pictures you can't tell anything was ever wrong with her.Janice always went out of her way to make me smile. She took every opportunity to spend time with me. Janice's smile could always make me smile and she always lit up when she saw me. 

How people perceive time is very intriguing? To some there is too much time and to some there is not enough. I feel that I am the latter. There was not enough time with Janice and there isn't enough time for me to get over the loss of my little angel.  What I wouldn't give to have more time with my little monkey?

Tears fall like rain,
Cold as snow.
I shall not weep,
Though I am filled with grief.
For I know, 
You are at peace. 
You still shine,
Although in a different place and time. 
Wait for me,
For I shall look for you,
When it is my time. 
Until then watch over me and mine,
Protect us in ways I couldn't you. 
Then watch for me as I find my way, 
For I know in my heart,
I will one day hold you close again. 
Til then my sweetheart.

Friday 18 January 2013

Missed opportunities

Janice loved her "bears" and when she watched them in our room she had to have the pillows set up like a slide. I can't event think of how many times she called me in and patted the spot on the bed beside her. How many times did I turn down sitting there with her because I had to do something? I can't even think of the reasons and now I wonder if those few hours would have made a difference. I don't know why I didn't take every opportunity to spend time with her. I should have taken more time to sit and enjoy Janice and now she is gone and I can't get that time back. Whether it was because I had to work or just got home from work and had to eat and shower I should have made the time and now I will never be able to make it up to Janice. 

I wish I could hock my brain up to a computer to download all those memories into pictures and videos to keep forever. Instead I have to rely on what I managed to capture and my memories. None of it seems adequate. I would give anything for just one more day, one more week, just a little bit more time with her. To sit and watch those "bears" as long as Janice wanted and feel her touch, her breath, just to feel Janice again. Life is not fair and there is no way for me to ever get the time or her back again. I don't know how to go on or what I am suppose to do without her, 

All she ever wanted was to spend time with me and it seems like there was more time I spent away from her then with her. Whether I was at work or she was at daycare, or I was running errands. Why couldn't I have just spent more time with her? The way her face lit up when I entered the room and she expected me to join her, Janice never complained when I told her I had to do something else, she would give me some time and then come and ask again or call me in and pat the spot beside her. I miss her so much her calling "mom" and then patting the spot beside her. The way Janice's face smiled when I did join her. Janice never wanted more than time with me and all I want now is more time with Janice. To just sit and watch her. All those moments people take for granted all these times I took for granted thinking there would be more time there would be another chance.... and now there is no tomorrow for her there is no next time. I am so sorry Janice that mommy didn't accept more of those invitations. I love you sweetie,,

Curse vs Blessing

I find the memories to be a curse as much as a blessing. A curse as those memories make me long to hold her and miss her more than anything. A blessing as those memories keep her alive in my heart.  Everywhere I go I see her or I hear her and I feel like I failed her somehow. I feel I failed so many people. No one has said as much but I feel like I failed in being able to carry her without complications; I failed in not being there for her when she needed me the most; and I can't shake the feeling that if it wasn't for me she would somehow still be here. Everyone can tell me there was nothing I can do, I still feel that it is somehow my fault. 

I don't know how to go on without that bright light. Janice was so full of life and I miss that. My heart feels empty with her absence. My insides are hollow without Janice. I don't know how to move on without her. The world was a better place with her and now without her it seems so empty. 

I never got to be the proud parent watching her first steps but the day she figured out that skateboard I couldn't have been more happy for her. She found her independence. Then when she figured out the stairs, no help from anyone, I glowed with pride. Janice was just like any other child finding her way in the world. Janice only needed to be shown things once and she knew how to do it. There are people that thought she was behind the curve but she only showed people what she wanted them to see; as one person said "she sang to her own song, but only when she wanted to". 

Janice loved the outside despite her disabilities and obstacles in the winter. Janice crawled into everyone's heart with little effort. While others babies were playing with toys, Janice was more focused on learning how to crawl and sit in her own way. Janice never ceased to surprise me in her escapades and did whatever it took to turn my frown upside down. With Janice around there was never a day I could stay sad. 


Thursday 17 January 2013

Janice's Quirks

One of the funniest things that Janice did that I unfortunately didn't have the foresight to take a picture of. It was December 4th because we had a doctor appointment that day. I was just finished getting dressed with Janice watching and she was naming the articles of clothing as I put them on. She wouldn't let me put her clothes on until she was allowed to wear a bra. It was so cute. I let her put on one of my sports bras, a red one on under her shirt. Janice was swimming in it it was so funny and cute. I was finally able to get it off her at the doctor appointment, as we had to weigh her. Although it didn't stop her protesting and wanting to put it back on after the appointment. I should have let Janice have her way. Janice always wanted to be like mommy. 

When we were getting ready to go to Vernon she came rolling into our room with Grumpy on her board with my housecoat belt around her neck like a boa or scarf. It was so cute and again I should have taken a picture but didn't. Why didn't I take more pictures? I mean I only have around 8-900 pictures. that works out to less then a picture a day about 300 pics a year. There should be more to document Janice's life.

I will never forget how my sweet little angel always had a mind of her own and knew exactly what she wanted. Janice was so inspirational and innocent. Janice could make a toy out of anything, even up till she died she found fun in the simplest of things. Christmas eve she was up till almost 1030 playing in a giant tupperware container with her dad and gramps. Some of the beautiful moments that we were lucky enough to have. 

Burdening

I feel so lost and hurt and alone. Yes Kevin is here and I have family but I feel like I am burdening them with my grief when they have their own. She was my everything. I don't know what to do or how to get through each day now. I know it is sad but I think this is the first shower in about a week. I just don't have the drive or motivation, all I want to do is curl up and cry in some hopeless hope that this has all been a bad dream and I will wake up to her stealing my pillow and asking for "bears". 

My tears are far from dry, my cheeks are far from clean. All I can do to keep me distracted and functioning. Everything I did was for her and now I don't know how to function my ears still hear her and my eyes still see her, my little girl Janice; but I can't touch her, can't brush her hair out of her eyes.

At night I keep asking why? and wounder what I missed. Did she have some underlying condition that I missed? what could have caused a healthy 3 year old to go so fast? There was nothing that I can think of that  would send red flags. Janice was fine, slept a good 18 hours then drank something like 2 liters over 15 hours, had 2 bouts of diarrhea, then her lips went blue and an hour later she was gone. So fast and no warning. I wasn't even able to be there for her in those last few hours. I was at work. Janice died without mommy. She was so full of life.

I can't bring myself to burden anyone with my grief and so I write about it in a blog and in a diary until my tears stop or are too overpowering and I can't read through the fog. I always tried to believe everything happens for a reason but I can't see any reason to take a beautiful, little angel so filled with life from this world so young.  Janice is in a better place, where is a better place than in the arms of a loving mother?  What did I do wrong that an all forgiving father felt he had to take my baby from me so young?  What I wouldn't give for just a little more time with her... any more time with her.

My baby is gone and I feel so empty and words can't even describe how I feel. Who decides when we have done on earth? There was so much I wanted to show Janice, so much I wanted to share with her and now she is gone and I feel like I failed her. I don't even know how I tried my best did everything I could to try to give her everything she could need and somehow it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough.... 

Wednesday 16 January 2013

Janice's spirit

My little angel was so determined and independent. Janice was so proud of herself when she mastered something, example when she was able to climb the stairs or doing headstands. She was even able to take a few steps on her hands. Janice always knew what she wanted and went for it. I will never forget the first time she climbed up on her bed by herself or when she figured out she didn't need help getting on and off of mommy and daddy's bed without help. 

We can only be so lucky to have Janice's determination. My little one could have had the world if given the chance and with her beautiful soul she would have given it to the heavens. She had a smile to light the room. I  feel more tears coming on as I think of all the things that she will never do. I used to get passed these moments by thinking of the things she would still have a head of her, but now there is none of that.  

I find myself angered by the comments of the people on facebook because they seem to take for granted the things that I will never get. They complain about their children making messes while the only mess I get to clean up now is to put her stuff in boxes and sort through all of her items into keep and give away. I would trade a disaster to clean up to avoid the inevitable tasks I have ahead of myself. 

Janice loved life and the outdoors and to have her slip away so fast and without warning was heart breaking and a loss for the world. Such a spirit and pure innocence. She worked so hard for what so many of us take for granted and took pride in every accomplishment that she won. Janice never let any obstacles get in her way and I know in my heart she fought to the end to stay with us, but in the end she needed to find her own care-a-lot and fly in the clouds.

Picking up Janice's things

So today I went to the daycare today and picked up Janice's things. Her two backpacks, pictures, and last art project. Her second Dora backpack that she picked out herself, filled with her school clothes. Janice also had left her feeding backpack filled with her stuff. The art project was a footprint reindeer. 

It was hard going there because picking up that stuff means that she is never going back there again. In the mail we also received two letters one from BC Children's thanking us for donations made in Janice's name and the other was a receipt from the funeral home.

Kevin found the angel necklace I was looking for that I bought for Janice from Avon. I don't think I am anywhere close to finishing mourning. 

My eyes are sticky from tears. I still have trouble believing that my baby is gone.

Tuesday 15 January 2013

Lucky?

When Janice was born it was terrifying. Not sure what was going to happen, Not knowing if she would survive because we didn't know all that was wrong with her. Then when we got her home and she slept through the night, to the point that she worried some. People from friends to relatives told us we were lucky. When Janice was the best travelling child, again we got told that we were lucky again.

Now as I sit mourning a child while those that told me I was lucky are still holding and snuggling their children. Who is the lucky one? As I am trying to figure out how to get through another night without, who is the lucky one?

Define lucky: 
Adjective
Having, bringing, or resulting from good luck: "a lucky escape".
Synonyms
fortunate - happy - successful - providential

How is loosing a child at the young age of 3 lucky? I would rather have spent the last 2 years up half each night or I would have enjoyed many a trips with her screaming or annoying me to death to have her back in my arms. 

The moms that complain about anything their children do I envy. I would trade almost anything for another day with Janice. 

Wednesday 9 January 2013

Bringing Janice Home

Today Janice is finally home again. Her ashes have been placed next to her "bears". Kevin and I have our necklaces holding the last of our baby. My eyes burn with unshed tears. How can anyone say good-bye to a 3 year old?

I allowed myself to get dragged to Vernon last night where we ended up getting snowed in. The bed seemed so big. In Vernon Janice always slept in the same bed with us and she snuggled close to me. Last night was so lonely even though we were surrounded by people.

I called CFJC TV news to see if we could get a copy of the news clip from last February. They don't have raw footage but they said that they would make sure we got a copy of the segment.

Sunday 6 January 2013

God never gives us more than we can handle

One saying that got me through Janice's birth was that God never gives you more than you can handle.  It doesn't let you know how close to your limit he will push you. I thought finding out that Janice was special needs and I realized all the hardships that came along with it; but I got past it I found a way to smile back at that little angel. I found a way to look to her future with a smile. I thought that was all I could handle. I didn't know how I would get through those first few months.

I am now back at that spot, wondering how to get through each day. My life seems like there is no purpose anymore. My baby was taken from me with no rhyme or reason. I feel drawn to Touched By An Angel and Twice In A Lifetime, shows that god is here and loves us. It makes me wonder why he didn't save my daughter. There are so many memories, yet I find myself mourning the moments I will never experience. I missed out on so many things like first steps but I cheered Janice on as she learned to crawl on her own, when she climbed the steps for the first time. I never let her believer that there was anything she couldn't do.

It would be so easy to give in but I couldn't leave my friends and family mourn two when I have a choice. But my heart aches to be with Janice, to hold her in my arms again. I don't think I will ever understand why I live while she didn't. I keep asking myself so many questions and I have no answers for any of them.

Saturday 5 January 2013

Long Lonely Nights

My eyes fill with tears as the memories flood my mind. Missed kodac moments, missed opportunities. The things Janice used to do. One of my last memories of her is Janice rolling into our room with my pink bathrob's belt around her neck like a scarf or boa. She looked so cute as she smiled up at me with Grumpy hanging facedown on her board.

I always thought there would be more time, another opportunity to capture that image. Now I am left alone. Nights seem long and endless. Eventually sleep will come, eventually I will find peace. In the meantime I weep silently trying not to burden people with my grief.

I miss her so much. I miss her waking me at night for "juice" or the odd time for "bears" I miss her smile. I miss her running over my feet with her board and saying "ouch" I used to laugh because she said ouch when I was the one if anyone that got hurt. I miss the way she tried so hard to say things and I miss her always wanting to help.

I was rearranging her room and she wanted to help. I couldn't seem to get past her determination explaining she was too small to help me move her bed as she sat on her board and proceeded to try and push the leg of her bed to help mommy. I moved her on the bed so I could finish and she stayed up there "helping" the whole time.

Part of me doesn't want to let go. Doesn't want to admit my baby is gone. But the look on Kevin's face at the hospital that horrible day and the constant reminders are getting too much. I just want to crawl into her room and curl up in a ball . My tears are blinding as I type this in the dark. I don't know how to get through this. I don't know how to move on. I go from knowing what needs to be done to wondering what I need to do. There are still wrapped presents for her that I can't bear to touch. I can hardly look at the closed door to her room as she only once closed her bedroom door. My baby is gone and I am lost.

Janice, sweetheart, you were everything to mommy and now I don't know what to do without you. I have a continual urge to bring Grumpy everywhere with me just so I can feel close to you. As much as people would laugh at a 28 year old woman carrying a stuffed care bear. I wonder if you can still remember watching fireworks from daddy's lap on mommy and daddy's bed through the window? Do you still remember anything once you pass into heaven?

I keep wondering who you would have grown up to be. What things you would have taught us? How you would have tortured us when you hit the rebelious stage? If you would have rebelled at all? Why did you have to go? Why did you have to go so soon? What did I do? What did I miss? Were you sick and I was blind to it? What could I have done to save you?

If I was only at home with you would that have saved you? Instead I was standing, waiting at the corner at work. I let it flash only once that you wouldn't come home. I wouldn't let myself believe it. Then I got that call, the call no parent should get. When I held your little body for the last time my heart broke. Not wanting to believe what my eyes and head were saying. The doctors had to be lying or maybe I was dreaming. But a week later and I am still without you.

If only one more day, one more night, Just a few more hours to tell you how much I love you, how much I care, how much you meant to everyone you touched, ..... if only to say .... good-bye.

There are people out there that hurt children, abuse or endanger children and they still get to have their children welcome them home. I am told I was a good parent, an amazing mom, and yet I am now childless with no answers as to why. Why I lost my little monkey before she had even had a chance to live?

Everything happens for a reason; God never gives us more than we can take. I made a mantra of those two sayings that first month after you were born. Making myself believe there was a reason for the dangers you faced following your birth. And despite evertying you lived and prospered for 3 years 3 months and 11 days before suddenly and without warning leaving this world. Those sayings leave me demanding why.

I will never in this life know the answer and yet I will forever ask. Why you were given to us? Survived all the things that came at you for 3 years only to be ripped from my arms? My heart is in peices as I sit up crying myself to sleep while typing this and am no closer to answers then the day you left this world for one of clouds and beauty that matched you and your innocence.

What am I suppose to do? How do you go on after loosing God's most preacious gift? When will my heart be whole again? When do the tears stop falling? Janice I still hear you and feel you but I can never again hold you and comfort you and don't know how to get back up from this. Janice please be near and give mommy strength

Tears in the Snow

How do you stop the tears?
How to you put the pain away?
How do you move on?
The snow falls like rain,
It mirrors my tears.

Tearing up my heart
The way you went away.
You left me behind
As you flew into the air

Your wings shone like gold
Through the glistening snow
Your eyes sparkled like icicles.
You loved the snow
Even though you couldn't say the word.

The world was better for you being in it
In my dreams you still smile
That smile that warms my heart
Child of mine,
Angel of life
The glue that held my life together

In my dreams you will live forever
In my heart you will have a home
In my eyes your spark will always shine
Your playful spirit will never leave
Tears in the Snow will mark my sorrow
As I miss you till the day you greet me at the gate

 Dedicated to Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann Story
Love you Janice

The Silence

I used to dread days that I was off and Kevin worked and Janice was at Daycare. I just hated being home alone. Now even with the tv on and Kevin here it seems even more deafening. The silence. To look around and know that Janice isn't coming home. That she won't finish unwrapping her Christmas gifts. Won't ask for "bears" anymore or play with her toys. The hardest part is not hearing her board as she rolls out of her room calling "mom" or "da". Not hearing her voice anymore. That beautiful joyous laughter that contagious smile that melodious voice.

I keep asking why God took my angel away. What I did to deserve loosing my baby so young. Everyone tells me there is a reason or God bless or something else to try to comfort me in my darkest moments but if God were to bless me he wouldn't have taken my baby away from me.

She was everything that made this world worth living. Every ray of sunshine in my life and now I have to stumble in the darkness not knowing what is coming next.

There are no answers to for things that happen to good people or innocent children. There is no sense to be made of senseless actions or times. As much as I don't understand him or his actions I hope God is keeping my baby safe in the arms of the angels and that he keeps her happy until I can hold her again and tell her how much I love her and miss her.

Life isn't fair but as long as I can believe my baby girl, my angel, my monkey is happy I just might be able to find away through this darkness and into the light again.

Friday 4 January 2013

Night and Guilt

It seems like there is nothing to do, no reason to go on. I know I have chores and eventually I have to go back to work. I know that Janice would want me to go on, but it is so hard when for 3years it was all for her, everythihng I did revolved around that little angel.

My heart feels like it is broken and hollow, I feel so empty. Life is empty without her. All the pictures show a happy, determined little girl. She had so much to live for. There are so many things she will never do, things that Janice should have had the joy of experiencing. Someone told me it wasn't healthy to keep asking questions but I can't help asking. Why? and how? and what? Why her? Why us? Why now? how did this happen? how did I miss the warnings? Were there any warnings? What happened? What could have taken her so fast?

Some people say I should go back to work. Go back to the place that I was standing when my little girl left to be with the angels? I stood on the corner waiting for them while Kevin drove as fast as he could to get her to the hospital. He was with Janice, not me. I feel guilty I should have been there. Mommy should have been holding her telling her she was going to be ok. That we loved her.  Maybe someday, but not today.

Nights are the worst. Every night I would check on her. Every night when she called out it was for me, whether it was for "juice" or "bears" she called "mom".  I know she loved me and that I loved her. Sometimes I wonder if she knew how much mommy loved her. What I would give just to have her in my arms again? one more hug? anything just to have her back. But nights the guilt and the memories. Knowing I can walk into the hall turn on the light but find a closed door to a room filled with her bears and toys her bed and everything her, but knowing that my little girl, my baby Janice isn't there and never will be again.  How do I get through this? How does one barrie a child and move on?

Janice, Mommy is lost without you. Mommy needs you.

Thursday 3 January 2013

Holding Angels

Angels come in all shapes and sizes,
Sometimes we are lucky enough to meet one,
Holding one is a blessing,
Seeing that smiling face that could light the world.

How do you say good-bye?
How do you stop the tears?
They make the world go round.
They make the sun rise.

My "Borrowed Angel" had a name so dear,
My baby Janice had wings of gold,
Eyes to match the sky,
Hair of light to make her smile bright.

When they leave you just wish time would stop,
You wonder how the world keeps spinning without them.
How the sun continues to rise?
Why they couldn't have stayed just a little longer?

They never truely leave you,
If you listen hard enough you can hear the whispers.
If you look long enough you can see the shadows and footprints they left.
And you know your life was blessed and will never be the same again

"Good-bye seems forever
Farewell is like the end
but in my hearts the memory
And there you will alwys be"
(Don't remember where that is from but it felt fitting)

Janice, Mommy and Daddy miss you so much.

Wednesday 2 January 2013

Janice Story 2009-2012

My bright little Angel flew to heaven on December 26, 2012. Janice was my light and reason for being, she could make anyone smile just by smiling at them. Although she had physical limitations from birth you wouldn't have known it from her determiniation. She was a smart and beautiful girl that had a spirit that I have yet to find an equal. Janice never let anything stop her. Janice loved her Care Bears and Cat in the Hat. Her spirit was as pure on the day she left as it was the day she entered.

Janice was my Borrowed Angel and my Blessing. I felt so proud to be her mother, to just know her. She inspired so many and her light will shine forever. I just wish I could have one more kiss, hear her voice one more time, have one more hug, hold her just one more time; I would trade anything to have her back.

I haven't dreamed much since I lost my angel but when I do it is of her. I feel so lost without her. How do people go on after such a devestating thing as loosing a child so young and full of life. For her to go from being so full of life and happiness as she was on Christmas Eve to the form I held Boxing Day afternoon seems like an impossibility. It makes no sense.

My tears come in spurts and all I want to do is hold Grumpy, her favorite bear. Her daddy gave it to her but mommy is the one that bought it. She didn't go many places without him and I guess I feel if I have Grumpy then she is close by, don't know how much sense I am making.

Miss you Monkey. Mommy and Daddy love you so much.

Sometimes

Sometimes
© Colleen Ranney
Sometimes I catch a glimpse,
In softened waves of blue
My child, my heart …when I see a smile
I can’t help but think of you

Sometimes these waves fill oceans.
And feelings string on every shore
A collections of each memory
And every way I wish for more

Sometimes I watch for answers
Because each day I call to you
I ask for faith and courage
And strength …to help me through

Sometimes I ask for bravery
Like dolphins in the deep
Because time moves oh so slowly
And some times the road is steep

Sometimes I want to scream
This was not what I had planned
Why you ever suffered
A mom can’t understand

Sometimes I hear your laughter
And remember you at play
But My Child I always miss you
Not sometimes, but everyday