I find the memories to be a curse as much as a blessing. A curse as those memories make me long to hold her and miss her more than anything. A blessing as those memories keep her alive in my heart. Everywhere I go I see her or I hear her and I feel like I failed her somehow. I feel I failed so many people. No one has said as much but I feel like I failed in being able to carry her without complications; I failed in not being there for her when she needed me the most; and I can't shake the feeling that if it wasn't for me she would somehow still be here. Everyone can tell me there was nothing I can do, I still feel that it is somehow my fault.
I don't know how to go on without that bright light. Janice was so full of life and I miss that. My heart feels empty with her absence. My insides are hollow without Janice. I don't know how to move on without her. The world was a better place with her and now without her it seems so empty.
I never got to be the proud parent watching her first steps but the day she figured out that skateboard I couldn't have been more happy for her. She found her independence. Then when she figured out the stairs, no help from anyone, I glowed with pride. Janice was just like any other child finding her way in the world. Janice only needed to be shown things once and she knew how to do it. There are people that thought she was behind the curve but she only showed people what she wanted them to see; as one person said "she sang to her own song, but only when she wanted to".
Janice loved the outside despite her disabilities and obstacles in the winter. Janice crawled into everyone's heart with little effort. While others babies were playing with toys, Janice was more focused on learning how to crawl and sit in her own way. Janice never ceased to surprise me in her escapades and did whatever it took to turn my frown upside down. With Janice around there was never a day I could stay sad.
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