My eyes fill with tears as the memories flood my mind. Missed kodac moments, missed opportunities. The things Janice used to do. One of my last memories of her is Janice rolling into our room with my pink bathrob's belt around her neck like a scarf or boa. She looked so cute as she smiled up at me with Grumpy hanging facedown on her board.
I always thought there would be more time, another opportunity to capture that image. Now I am left alone. Nights seem long and endless. Eventually sleep will come, eventually I will find peace. In the meantime I weep silently trying not to burden people with my grief.
I miss her so much. I miss her waking me at night for "juice" or the odd time for "bears" I miss her smile. I miss her running over my feet with her board and saying "ouch" I used to laugh because she said ouch when I was the one if anyone that got hurt. I miss the way she tried so hard to say things and I miss her always wanting to help.
I was rearranging her room and she wanted to help. I couldn't seem to get past her determination explaining she was too small to help me move her bed as she sat on her board and proceeded to try and push the leg of her bed to help mommy. I moved her on the bed so I could finish and she stayed up there "helping" the whole time.
Part of me doesn't want to let go. Doesn't want to admit my baby is gone. But the look on Kevin's face at the hospital that horrible day and the constant reminders are getting too much. I just want to crawl into her room and curl up in a ball . My tears are blinding as I type this in the dark. I don't know how to get through this. I don't know how to move on. I go from knowing what needs to be done to wondering what I need to do. There are still wrapped presents for her that I can't bear to touch. I can hardly look at the closed door to her room as she only once closed her bedroom door. My baby is gone and I am lost.
Janice, sweetheart, you were everything to mommy and now I don't know what to do without you. I have a continual urge to bring Grumpy everywhere with me just so I can feel close to you. As much as people would laugh at a 28 year old woman carrying a stuffed care bear. I wonder if you can still remember watching fireworks from daddy's lap on mommy and daddy's bed through the window? Do you still remember anything once you pass into heaven?
I keep wondering who you would have grown up to be. What things you would have taught us? How you would have tortured us when you hit the rebelious stage? If you would have rebelled at all? Why did you have to go? Why did you have to go so soon? What did I do? What did I miss? Were you sick and I was blind to it? What could I have done to save you?
If I was only at home with you would that have saved you? Instead I was standing, waiting at the corner at work. I let it flash only once that you wouldn't come home. I wouldn't let myself believe it. Then I got that call, the call no parent should get. When I held your little body for the last time my heart broke. Not wanting to believe what my eyes and head were saying. The doctors had to be lying or maybe I was dreaming. But a week later and I am still without you.
If only one more day, one more night, Just a few more hours to tell you how much I love you, how much I care, how much you meant to everyone you touched, ..... if only to say .... good-bye.
There are people out there that hurt children, abuse or endanger children and they still get to have their children welcome them home. I am told I was a good parent, an amazing mom, and yet I am now childless with no answers as to why. Why I lost my little monkey before she had even had a chance to live?
Everything happens for a reason; God never gives us more than we can take. I made a mantra of those two sayings that first month after you were born. Making myself believe there was a reason for the dangers you faced following your birth. And despite evertying you lived and prospered for 3 years 3 months and 11 days before suddenly and without warning leaving this world. Those sayings leave me demanding why.
I will never in this life know the answer and yet I will forever ask. Why you were given to us? Survived all the things that came at you for 3 years only to be ripped from my arms? My heart is in peices as I sit up crying myself to sleep while typing this and am no closer to answers then the day you left this world for one of clouds and beauty that matched you and your innocence.
What am I suppose to do? How do you go on after loosing God's most preacious gift? When will my heart be whole again? When do the tears stop falling? Janice I still hear you and feel you but I can never again hold you and comfort you and don't know how to get back up from this. Janice please be near and give mommy strength
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