Healing

A little over a month and I think I am starting to heal. Or at least have a good day without feeling guilty. I got up, dressed, and out today. Then when I got home relaxed with some TV with Kevin. Kevin had to step out for a few and instead of going with him I did about half an hour of kenect. I didn't last as long as I would have liked but I feel good for getting the exercise. 

I still have days like yesterday that I don't want to get up or do anything. There are still days when opening my eyes is hard, because I don't want to live in the truth , the harsh reality that my daughter is never coming home again. 

How can anyone move on after that? Loosing a child is one of the hardest things to go through in life and to loose them without knowing why. Everyone looses someone but to loose someone who had barely begun to live... 

Janice was so much more than a baby. She was a love and a light in this world; loosing her will forever scar my heart. This is not a scar I want to bare nor one I wish I could ever have. My heart still aches and my eyes still burn with tears shed and unshed. I don't know if those pains will ever go away. 

The thought of another child makes me smile but something in me accuses me of replacing Janice. I know in my heart that isn't what I would be doing. But I can't shake it. Janice would have made a wonderful big sister and one day I know in my heart she will be a big sister but she will be watching over them from the heavens while they look to the stars to see her. 

Healing, I don't know if you can ever heal after the death of a child you just learn to deal with the loss, the shadows and the whispers. You put a band aid on your heart and you go step by step hoping that you will have the strength to make it through the next day.