Janice loved her "bears" and when she watched them in our room she had to have the pillows set up like a slide. I can't event think of how many times she called me in and patted the spot on the bed beside her. How many times did I turn down sitting there with her because I had to do something? I can't even think of the reasons and now I wonder if those few hours would have made a difference. I don't know why I didn't take every opportunity to spend time with her. I should have taken more time to sit and enjoy Janice and now she is gone and I can't get that time back. Whether it was because I had to work or just got home from work and had to eat and shower I should have made the time and now I will never be able to make it up to Janice.
I wish I could hock my brain up to a computer to download all those memories into pictures and videos to keep forever. Instead I have to rely on what I managed to capture and my memories. None of it seems adequate. I would give anything for just one more day, one more week, just a little bit more time with her. To sit and watch those "bears" as long as Janice wanted and feel her touch, her breath, just to feel Janice again. Life is not fair and there is no way for me to ever get the time or her back again. I don't know how to go on or what I am suppose to do without her,
All she ever wanted was to spend time with me and it seems like there was more time I spent away from her then with her. Whether I was at work or she was at daycare, or I was running errands. Why couldn't I have just spent more time with her? The way her face lit up when I entered the room and she expected me to join her, Janice never complained when I told her I had to do something else, she would give me some time and then come and ask again or call me in and pat the spot beside her. I miss her so much her calling "mom" and then patting the spot beside her. The way Janice's face smiled when I did join her. Janice never wanted more than time with me and all I want now is more time with Janice. To just sit and watch her. All those moments people take for granted all these times I took for granted thinking there would be more time there would be another chance.... and now there is no tomorrow for her there is no next time. I am so sorry Janice that mommy didn't accept more of those invitations. I love you sweetie,,
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