Burdening

I feel so lost and hurt and alone. Yes Kevin is here and I have family but I feel like I am burdening them with my grief when they have their own. She was my everything. I don't know what to do or how to get through each day now. I know it is sad but I think this is the first shower in about a week. I just don't have the drive or motivation, all I want to do is curl up and cry in some hopeless hope that this has all been a bad dream and I will wake up to her stealing my pillow and asking for "bears". 

My tears are far from dry, my cheeks are far from clean. All I can do to keep me distracted and functioning. Everything I did was for her and now I don't know how to function my ears still hear her and my eyes still see her, my little girl Janice; but I can't touch her, can't brush her hair out of her eyes.

At night I keep asking why? and wounder what I missed. Did she have some underlying condition that I missed? what could have caused a healthy 3 year old to go so fast? There was nothing that I can think of that  would send red flags. Janice was fine, slept a good 18 hours then drank something like 2 liters over 15 hours, had 2 bouts of diarrhea, then her lips went blue and an hour later she was gone. So fast and no warning. I wasn't even able to be there for her in those last few hours. I was at work. Janice died without mommy. She was so full of life.

I can't bring myself to burden anyone with my grief and so I write about it in a blog and in a diary until my tears stop or are too overpowering and I can't read through the fog. I always tried to believe everything happens for a reason but I can't see any reason to take a beautiful, little angel so filled with life from this world so young.  Janice is in a better place, where is a better place than in the arms of a loving mother?  What did I do wrong that an all forgiving father felt he had to take my baby from me so young?  What I wouldn't give for just a little more time with her... any more time with her.

My baby is gone and I feel so empty and words can't even describe how I feel. Who decides when we have done on earth? There was so much I wanted to show Janice, so much I wanted to share with her and now she is gone and I feel like I failed her. I don't even know how I tried my best did everything I could to try to give her everything she could need and somehow it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough....