Welcome

Welcome to my blog which is about my family and I and how we deal with what life throws at us, which includes my daughter and her disabilities related to her spina bifida and her death on December 26 2012.

Friday 4 January 2013

Night and Guilt

It seems like there is nothing to do, no reason to go on. I know I have chores and eventually I have to go back to work. I know that Janice would want me to go on, but it is so hard when for 3years it was all for her, everythihng I did revolved around that little angel.

My heart feels like it is broken and hollow, I feel so empty. Life is empty without her. All the pictures show a happy, determined little girl. She had so much to live for. There are so many things she will never do, things that Janice should have had the joy of experiencing. Someone told me it wasn't healthy to keep asking questions but I can't help asking. Why? and how? and what? Why her? Why us? Why now? how did this happen? how did I miss the warnings? Were there any warnings? What happened? What could have taken her so fast?

Some people say I should go back to work. Go back to the place that I was standing when my little girl left to be with the angels? I stood on the corner waiting for them while Kevin drove as fast as he could to get her to the hospital. He was with Janice, not me. I feel guilty I should have been there. Mommy should have been holding her telling her she was going to be ok. That we loved her.  Maybe someday, but not today.

Nights are the worst. Every night I would check on her. Every night when she called out it was for me, whether it was for "juice" or "bears" she called "mom".  I know she loved me and that I loved her. Sometimes I wonder if she knew how much mommy loved her. What I would give just to have her in my arms again? one more hug? anything just to have her back. But nights the guilt and the memories. Knowing I can walk into the hall turn on the light but find a closed door to a room filled with her bears and toys her bed and everything her, but knowing that my little girl, my baby Janice isn't there and never will be again.  How do I get through this? How does one barrie a child and move on?

Janice, Mommy is lost without you. Mommy needs you.

No comments:

Post a Comment