Today is Christmas Day, It is suppose to be filled with joy and happiness and yet I barely found the strength to smile. I went to my Grandma's for breakfast and presents and spent the rest of the day at home. Today just felt so empty. I even took Grumpy with me to my Grandparent's house when we went. I put on the strong face for my Grandma, I know she wants me to be happy and she is one of the few that understands my pain. The closer to midnight we get the harder it is to stop the tears. It was about 630pm last Christmas Day that I saw my little girl, Janice alive. I don't know the exact time of death at that point I was in shock and all that I cared to know was that my daughter was gone, but it was around 2pm December 26th.
I can't sleep. I filled about 5 pages in my diary/journal already today. I don't know what to do. I miss her so much. I want my little girl back. She would be 4 as of September 15th and I know she would have been excited and happy opening her Christmas gifts and preparing for her siblings arrival and wanting to "help" and all that keeps running through my head is "Janice should be here" and "Janice should be..."
I feel so alone and jealous. Alone in my worst nightmare and jealous of all the happy and complete families that get to have true Christmas'.
I remember as I waited for her father and her to pick me up before going to the hospital a year ago that the thought that she might die crossed my mind for a few seconds before I rushed to push it out, reaffirming that she would be fine. That after a week in the hospital Janice would be home again. But that was not to be. I wasn't there when she passed. I didn't get to say good-bye. I feel like I failed her. I feel so sad that I didn't get to hear her last words. I know I couldn't have done anything to save her but I should have been there.
I remember getting the call around 230pm and running back to the front door of my employer to find someone anyone to give me a ride to the hospital, I was in hysterics they couldn't understand me. I remember apologizing the whole way to the hospital. Then as I entered the ER a male nurse came up to me and told me that Janice was gone, they had tried for half an hour and that her father was in the room holding her. I walked in the room and my heart broke as he looked up at me and said "Our little girl is gone" His tears said more though. He handed her to me and I climbed on the bed and still processing what I had been told I started calling people, starting with work. No one believed me. Hell I didn't want to believe me. Slowly our families showed up and the staff moved us to a more private room. We stayed there taking turns holding Janice till about 9pm. Even as we left I didn't want to I kept thinking "What if she wakes up and she is all alone?" I felt like I was abandoning her leaving Janice all alone on the cot in the ER.
I through myself into telling everyone to avoid awkward conversations and planning her service. This year I have nothing to channel my grief and pain into and all I can do is cry. I miss my little girl. I miss Janice and I want her back so badly. I keep asking Why? Why? Why? If I had known that I would only get those 3 precious years I would have let her sleep in our bed every night and steal my pillow all the time. I would have taken more pictures and done more things with her I would have quit my job to spend those years with her if I had known.
I am not stupid. With her medical conditions I knew she wouldn't live to be 80 but I didn't expect to loose her so suddenly and at such a young age. I don't know how I will get through tomorrow all I know is that somehow it will come and go and I will still be here and that Janice is in Heaven trying to make me smile like she used to. Janice's smile was so infectious and beautiful. I love you Janice I hope and pray you know that.
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