I miss Janice. I miss her every day. I miss her every night. The pain never truly goes away. Sometimes it is just a matter of how much it hurts and what triggers you run into on that given day.
The hardest thing in this world is loosing a child and when that child is your only child it is that much more devastating. When you have other living children you don't miss the hugs, and the playing. I mean your family is always one short but when you need a hug your other children can help fill that void. When you loose your only child you are left with empty arms, if you are lucky you have stuffed animal or something sentimental that you can hold and hug but it isn't the same.
Even having another child taking you back to step 1 and there are so many things that you should get but never will. Like a picture of the siblings together. Seeing your children playing together or tormenting each other. Watching the younger one try to imitate the older one. All things I don't get to see with Janice. I don't get to see Janice watching over her siblings, although she can watch over them in a way not everyone can.
When I dream of Janice both of us are so happy. I find them peaceful and heavenly.I believe as many have commented that it is Janice's way of telling me she is happy and well, also her way of checking in on her family. Sometimes she is walking, it is like she is still alive. I know she isn't and that is why waking up can be so devastating. In my dreams I can hold her, hug her, kiss her, play with her, anything we want to do. In the light of day when I am awake the reality is so much different. Not many can fathom the devastation of waking up. In dreams any one your heart longs for is just a phone call or thought away. Then to be ripped away from the life you wish was still here, the life in which our loved ones are still with us; a utopia where there is no pain or loss and life is as near perfect as imperfect beings can be. I long for the dreams but I still hate waking up and leaving her behind, it almost feels like that horrible night again when we left Janice's small form behind at the hospital. It was very hard for me I think she may have only spent 3 or 4 nights in the hospital without me maybe even less and so leaving her that final night broke my heart as much as it broke when I was told she was gone. That night I honestly didn't want to leave her for fear that she would wake up alone, denial of the situation.No one wants to believe that their loved ones are gone and not going to wake up again.
Janice's sibling will show me that you life does go on but there is always going to be someone missing. There will always be things that will make me think of Janice and bring tears to my eyes. Life does go on after loss but it is never the same and anyone that tells you different is a liar or has no idea of real loss.
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