Long night

It has been a while since I have done this. It is almost 1AM I started this at 1230 on my phone and then the app stopped and deleted everything. I don't know why I am still up. Maybe it is the move or my upcoming leave, or maybe I am just missing Janice. I don't know. Moving from this apartment, Janice's home feels a lot like when I had to leave her that final night. I wonder how long she lay there until the nurse collected her to take her downstairs. I miss her so much. I know there was nothing I could do but I still feel like I failed her. Part of me feels like I am being punished for some unknown cosmic reason, why else was my little angel taken from us?

Janice was so happy and full of life I still don't understand what happened. I make rational deductions and I know what the doctors say but it doesn't help Just like when I see everyone on facebook posting things Janice should be doing or would be doing. It is torture sometimes seeing how everyone else gets to have those family moments and pics of all their kids together. Something I will never get and then I get people looking at me and wondering why I don't say anything or comment ... it is cause sometimes all I want to say is "do you know what I would give..." Don't get me wrong I am not writing this to make anyone feel guilty but it is hard when no one seems to understand where i am coming from. Even my own family sometimes doesn't realize how hard it is for me to do the family thing because I have to put on a smile and pretend that I am happy watching my nieces play and tell me stories when all I want to do is cry.

Even this baby I have growing inside me brings tears to my eyes knowing that they will never get to know their big sister like I know my siblings. That I will never get those family pictures of all my children together. I know Janice wants me to be happy and that she is up in heaven playing in the clouds  pretending it is Care-a-lot but I still miss her. I still want to wake up to her calling me, to be able to go in her room and see her cuddling as many "bears" as she can while patting a spot for me to join her. What I wouldn't give for her to be making me curl into a quarter of the bed as she is stealing my pillow, to be able to watch her sleep. 

So many people don't realize how lucky they are.

The ultrasound and blood work tell me that this baby is fine and I know that it is not Janice nor would I want it to be. I don't want a replacement. I want a healthy little one that will grow up to be their own person, but I still want them to know their big sister and everything about her. I want them to know that no matter where they go they have someone watching out for them. I just wish that they could have met her and gotten to know her themselves. That I could be complaining right now about how Janice is wanting to "help" with everything and commenting on how excited she is to be a big sister.

I don't know if the tears will ever stop or if someday I will be able to smile without the sad though of wishing Janice was here. All I can do is try to make it day by day and maybe someday I will be able to finish Janice's scrapbooks with a smile on my face.