I am not sure how I feel about Tuesday. Let me tell you why, firstly Tuesday November 26th marks 11 months since we lost Janice; secondly it will be my first of my weekly ultrasounds for baby and it is scheduled within an hour of Janice's time of death.
I have the feeling that this a sign of something I just don't know what it is. Part of me feels it is Janice telling me she is at peace, happy, and with her sibling and I and that Janice is looking out for her sibling. I don't know if I can go to this appointment by myself. This is going to be a very strong emotional day for me.
Janice is with me and I believe that but that doesn't make these days easier. It doesn't make the fall and winter pass any easier. Between all the birthdays, Thanks Giving, Halloween, Christmas, and the anniversary of Janice's passing is almost too much to bear. The fact that most of my family don't seem to understand how hard it is for me or the fact that having another baby doesn't take away the pain or hurt that I am going through over Janice and that the pain and hurt will never go away. At least that is how it seems from my side of looking glass.
I wish I had someway to validate that Janice is still with me and that she is happy and at peace with where she is and with what is happening in our lives. May Janice help keep her sibling safe.
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