Staying Positive

I find this pregnancy difficult, for what I consider understandable reasons; Everyone however tells me to stay positive or next year. People need to understand that staying positive about this pregnancy that is full of worry and uncertainty is very hard. None of my friends can understand  what I am going through because none of you went through giving birth to a special needs child, to love and get to know that child for three years only to have to bury them. None of you know the fear and emotions that come with getting pregnant again after that  whether you planned the pregnancy or not. The fear that it will happen again, the emotions of remembering going through these same things with a child that isn't here any more. 

No one can understand the change in meaning that Christmas now brings. It isn't one of wonder and magic and childhood memories, for me Christmas is now a reminder of the last days I got with Janice and of that horrible phone call. I pray that none of you have to go through what I have and am going through. 

I find holidays the worst and October and December are so close and Christmas seems to start in November It is the worst time of the year. Working in retail where you see families daily doesn't help.  I find myself jealous and angry; jealous that I can't have what they have and angry because Janice was taken from me. There are still days where all I can do is stare at the till to keep myself from breaking down and other times when I can't even do that. 

I know Janice would want me to be happy and I know she would be ecstatic about becoming a big sister. I just find it hard because I keep thinking of what Janice would be doing and all the things she would want to "help" with.

I have gotten feedback at work that I make people feel uncomfortable by telling them about Janice. But again these people complaining whether it is the customers or co-workers haven't gone through what I have and by telling people before they ask works as a barrier of sorts.If I tell them I don't have to worry or deal with them asking "how is Janice?" which is harder to deal with and tends to result in me fighting back tears because I can't cry at work. But very few seem to understand or comprehend what I go through on a daily basis.

Writing feels like my only outlet as I don't like burdening others with my grief, worries, concerns, and emotional state. Christmas this year I think will be me keeping to myself in the apartment and if my family can't understand that then that is there problem. 

So don't tell me you understand cause unless you have gone through what I have you have no idea of what I am going through. The emotional conflicts that happen between the grief I still feel for Janice and the excitement of this new baby. I can't even imagine the emotions I will experience on the anniversary or on the day I give birth to this new little one.

This post may seem a little broken but this is how I feel and how my thoughts came out. Leaving it at that.