With Janice’s birthday come and gone and Christmas coming up, I find myself in a rut. Don’t get me wrong I know a baby is on the way and I can’t wait but that doesn’t change the fact that I miss Janice. I can’t help but wonder what new things she would be doing now. What she would be into? Would she still be in to her “Bears”? Would she be excited about being a big sister? How would she be now?
Janice’s birthday was one of the hardest days so far. I struggled on Mother’s Day but Janice’s birthday was worse. I can’t imagine what Christmas and Boxing Day will be like. I find myself still mentally shopping for Janice. What I would have bought her for her birthday and what would be on her Christmas list.
I can’t believe how fast this year has gone by. I still have days when it feels like just yesterday I was watching her play in that big plastic container and Grandma and Gramps. Janice was so happy and full of life Christmas Eve. I still can’t make sense of how fast that changed. Despite the over one thousand pictures and videos I have of Janice they don’t seem enough. I still find myself asking how a child so full of life and happiness could have left so soon. It might be a little pathetic but I still keep Grumpy at my bedside so that I can grab him and hold him when I miss her and can’t sleep. I still sometimes have to fight the urge to bring him to work or out wherever we are going.
It is going to be a fine line raising this little one to know their big sister Janice without them feeling like they are in her shadow or replacing her. No one can replace Janice and no one is expected to. I am told it will get easier but I think it is just more good days than bad than getting easier. You will always miss them. It is just a difference of their memories bringing tears or smiles. This week it is tears but I know my little angel, Janice is looking down smiling and in her own way trying to tell me that she is ok and happy. I just miss Janice’s voice, her laugh, the sound of her rolling around on her board, holding her and getting hugs, and seeing her beautiful smile. It is the little things you miss. The things that everyone takes for granted the things people complain about.
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