Janice is on my mind again. When I couldn't sleep I would go into her bedroom and tuck her hair back and out of her face and pull her blanket up to keep her ware even though I knew she didn't like being covered up. I would sit on her bed and talk to her and somehow that helped and I could go back to bed and sleep.
With Abbygail when I try that it reminds me of those nights in Janice's room and makes me want to cry. I miss Janice so much. I can see all the things that she would be doing with Abby and to help with Abby. But she isn't here. Janice is gone and will never get to experience being a big sister.
I wish we had more videos of her. I miss her little voice so much. I wish so much that the past year and a half was a horrible nightmare and I would wake up to Janice stealing my pillow. I know this blog has turned into me saying a lot of this stuff over and over again but I can't help it. My family of 3 should be a family of 4. Janice should be here and she isn't. I just want to scream "WHY?"
People try to tell me at least she didn't/isn't suffering. Have you seen the pictures? Show me the picture that tells you my little angel was in pain or suffering. Someone tried to tell me she was spared the bullying that Janice would have endured when she got to school. I really don't think like that, Janice was so friendly and full of life I think anyone that tried would have been faced with many others of Janice's friends. I know that medically she had some issues but I wanted to think that my little angel Janice would have over come them with all that determination she showed us on a daily basis. Janice never let anything stop her.
I sit here in front of the laptop crying as I type this, my only outlet for the grief that still eats at me. The guilt that when Janice needed me the most I wasn't able to be there for her. I should have been beside her in the car as Kevin drove her to the hospital that fateful day. It is still so vivid in my mind. The look on Kevin's face as he handed her still form to me. I wanted to scream but found no voice. How still and quiet she was; somehow part of me wanted to believe she was just sleeping. Even in the funeral home she always looked like she could wake at any moment. I feared leaving her that night thinking what if Janice wakes up and mummy isn't there? The coldness of her body in her red Christmas dress complete with hat, her pink mitts and pink Yoshi that will forever be with her.
People try to tell me to get over it. They imply that I shouldn't cry or have bad days any more because I have Abbygail, Those are the people that have their perfect happy families that don't understand the feeling of knowing that your family is always missing one. The ones that don't know the silence left behind by a child not being there any more. Every day wondering what that missing and lost child would be and should be doing. Seeing something in a store and thinking how much that Janice would have liked it. The people that don't know the pain of having to open gifts mean for a child that will never see them, never play with them.
Janice would be turning 5 this September and starting kindergarten. Janice should have brought home mother and father's day crafts from daycare. Janice should have been having gotten used to her "chair" and using that to go our and about while still using her "board" when at home or at the water park. Janice loved the water, I wish I had more pictures and more videos of my sweet little girl that left this world too soon. .
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