It is funny the things you remember and what makes you remember them. Today I was only up for about 6 hours and slept the rest but now I am back up due to an ache. This ache seems to occur always in the same place as of about last Thursday. But back to the memories.
We have a digital picture frame that cycles through Janice's three years and some of the pictures I don't actually remember them being taken while others I can picture the day and see it so vividly. There is one where she has her doll in the doll carrier that we got her and another where Janice has two dolls in her bucket car seat. Really we could have turned her around so much earlier than we did but I was waiting and I guess hoping that she would get to the proper weight. I think it was only the last year that she faced forward in her car seat. Janice always liked being able to look forward and be up where she could see things. I miss her.
I know this baby is almost here and will be here in a few weeks but it will never change the fact that Janice isn't here or that I lost my first born child. I know logically that there was nothing that could have been done to change Janice's passing, I have played it over and over in my head so many times that I know that; but it doesn't change the fact that it isn't... wasn't fair. I will always be missing a piece of myself, the piece of me that left this world when Janice passed.
Her siblings will know her as best I can but it isn't the same as growing up together. I intentionally waited and put off having any more children wanting Janice to have some independence and freedom before introducing a baby into her life. But sadly in the end that meant waiting for her to pass from this world. The irony is that it was only the day prior to her death that we actually started talking about it. Sure people had asked if we were going to have any more but I knew that I needed Janice to be situated first and so I put it off. Janice would have made such a good big sister and I can see her face lighting up at the sight of her baby sister...pictures that will only ever be in my mind as Janice isn't here for me to take them. It is funny how that is.
I feel that I am in a good place to have this baby but that will never take away the pain or longing that will forever be a part of me. The part of me that Janice filled and although I know that she is always with me it is not the same as being able to hold Janice, hear Janice's voice and laugh, being able to see Janice and watch her do all those quirky things like doing donuts on her board, being able to watch Janice grow up with her siblings and watch Janice turn into the beautiful, intelligent, and inspiring woman I know in my heart she would have become. I always knew that I would have more than one child I just always thought that they would both be living and thriving. Janice is forever apart of us and our lives and that will never change.
Mommy loves and misses you Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann. You are never far from my mind and always, forever in my heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment