Touched By An Angel

I always believed in God. When I was a child I remember reading the "lord's prayer" off of a wall plack someone had given to me. I remember praying to him. I remember watching "Touched By An Angel" with my mom almost religiously and wishing that I could be visited by an angel. 

I had my angel. She arrived in my life with such a bright smile and so much life, her name was Janice and because of her I have to believe in him even more. I have to believe that Janice is being taken care of and loved like she was down here. Which means believing that even if I feel he is cruel for taking her from me that God is there and has his reasons for making me go through this pain. 

The thing that "Touched By An Angel" stressed was that "God loves you" I don't particularly feel that at the moment. But you can't have feelings for someone that doesn't exist, which means that I have to believe in him to be mad at him. I have to believe in him to ask him questions. I have to believe in him to beg him to give me back my baby girl. 

I still find myself asking how someone so loving as God is suppose to be why he is took my little girl from me after such a brief time. He is all forgiving so it can't be anything that I have done, could it. I like to think that I am a good person. I help people when I can. I try to live a good life. I don't go to church but that doesn't make me a bad person. I did everything for Janice. The day Janice was born my life changed and I flew with it. I started to live for the day and for her. Now that she is gone I feel lost. I can't trust the future as it feels like the woods at perpetual dark. I don't know what to live for any more. I find some solace by listening to "Borrowed Angels" and watching  "Touched By An Angel" and "Twice In A Lifetime" all three point to there being a God and that he loves us and when we are done on Earth he will welcome us into his home and care for us there. 

I just hope that Janice is happy. I was "Touched By An Angel" her name was Janice and she will always be my little angel and I know that God had a reason and that I will see her again. I just don't know how to get through the present to continue on.

Everything happens for a reason and God never gives you more than you can handle but he will put you so close you will cry for a reprieve.