It has been a while since I posted and tonight I just felt that I had to.
As much as people try to understand and make me feel better, I feel none of them understand. Especially with Mother's Day on the weekend I feel so much on the outside.
I love both my daughters but Abbygail doesn't and never will fill the void that Janice left. The memories I have of Janice flinging herself off my chest the first time I held her, two nurses poised behind her in case she did accomplish flying out of my arms. The many nights at Children's Hospital rocking Janice not sure what the future held just knowing that in that instance Janice was mine and that I loved her more than I had loved anything or anyone in my life to that point. The way Janice would light up when she saw me; the way she would fling her arms around me to hug me and say "Mum"; the way she would inch toward me as I was leaving for work and in a soft pouty voice say "mum?" as if asking permission to come with me, and it would break my heart leaving her behind even though I knew I couldn't bring her to work with me.
I miss her so much.
People made it sound like Abbygail would heal my heart and make everything better. They didn't and don't understand the heart break that never heals, the scar is always there.
Each holiday that goes by and I hear about Mother's Day teas and the things other people's children are making them and apart of me wants to scream. Janice would be starting Kindergarten this September, and be having her 5th birthday and I have to wonder what crafts and cards and other silly things she would be making at school and daycare to bring home for us. What she would be wanting for her birthday? Would she still be into Care Bears? How many friends would she be inviting to her birthday? Would Janice have been doing the Therapeutic Riding? and would she like the horses?
So many questions and no answers to go with them.
Yes, I have Abbygail; but she can't replace her sister, nor would I want her to. They are each their own and I wouldn't want it any other way. I had my tongue sucker and now I have my thumb sucker. But I will never stop longing for Janice to be in my arms. I will never forget the fact that I am the mother of TWO although I only get to watch one grow up.
Janice is FOREVER apart of our family.
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