Janice was so precious, sweet, beautiful, and full of life. I am left feeling empty and alone. Everyday I have to wake up to the reality that my little angel is in heaven and never coming home to me again. Janice you meant so much to mommy, why did you have to go? I can't get over you; I can't move on without you. How do you ever stop crying? When do the memories stop making you cry out in pain and anguish from the knowledge that there aren't going to be any new memories? The care bears make me cry now because they make me think of her and how much she loved them. Janice reminded me of myself when I was young and believed that somewhere in the clouds those loving bears were hiding and were smiling down at us.
Why us? What did I do to deserve having her ripped from my life? Was I not there enough for her? What did I miss? How did I fail her?
Janice was so happy and energetic and having so much fun on Christmas Eve and then to be gone from this world in a mere 48 hours seems impossible. Yet it is my reality. It is what I have to live with and it isn't fair! I wish I could hear her calling "mum" or "again" or "horse" as she climbed on my back. I just want to hear her voice again. Hear her rolling around on her board. Watch her sleeping again. I will never get any of that. Why?
How do people expect you to just go back to your life after a loss like this? Sometimes it feels like people say "I'm sorry for your loss. So when you coming back to work?" How? No one seems to realize what I am going through and even if they don't say it I know that they expect me to put it behind me. Yet how many of them have gone through anything like what I am? They have no right to EXPECT anything. I will pick up the pieces and rejoin the world when I am ready.
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